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If your parents are rich or well off
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amother
Plum


 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:12 pm
amother Charcoal wrote:
I like this question. I grew up in a comfortable home. I never knew my parents were "rich" till I went into shidduchim. My parents didn't want to be taken advantage of and insisted on mechutanim that will help support. B"h I got that. So, my in laws pay my Lakewood basement rent- that's it. My parents bought us a car and give us a generous allowance each month. My husband learns full time and having just had another baby- I'd love to be a stay at home mom- like my mother was and my siblings and many siblings in law are. However I can't afford it. My parents and in laws feel like they're very generous, which they are. But for the standards we are expected to live at- we do not have enough money. We are the only ones in our families that do not have 2 cars. I worked full time till now. I worry each month how we will pay our bills..... and me friends who were not supported at all live way more comfortably! (Yes I barely had to tap into my savings, and my parents will buy me a house, but I'm holding myself back from pushing my husband out to work in order to sustain our lifestyle) What bothers me most is that my in laws put pressure on us and expect us to live with their high standards (cuz my parents are rich) when they help their other kids much more, because "they need it" and we don't...

Your rent is covered, no monthly car lease payments, and a "generous allowance" each month. You also worked full time until now.
Why are you worried about bills?
And how can your friends who aren't supported live more comfortably? I'm genuinely confused.
Also, what pressure are your in laws putting on you that's high standard? What do they want you to have/wear already?
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amother
Seagreen


 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:15 pm
imacoolmom wrote:
This is something I’m genuinely curious about. I always assume that the children of the rich are also rich but I realize how much we really can’t assume things-some are living large, but some have told me that they don’t get $ from their parents, or not much, or they do but it’s not unconditional. Or the parents pay for certain things like the house or tuition but not more. It opened my eyes that just bec I know someone from a certain family they have unlimited funds ( I’m sure some do). My in-laws are well off ( not big $) and they only gave us for what they thought was important like help with tuition. Does anyone want to share their thoughts or experience on the matter?


First of all, never assume anything in life. And no offense, but of course not all children of rich parents are living it large.
My in laws are very comfortable. They helped us with a down payment and they help us when we may ask, very generous, but no, we do not live large, and neither do any of my husband's siblings.
We actually live month to month and we never thought to expect my husband's parents to save us.
They also have their retirement to worry about for themselves.
As I said, my in laws are extremely generous when we may need help, but we never assume anything will be given. Its always so graciously appreciated.
OP, you should never assume your in laws will give you and you should never assume that others have money or that if they do their children must be living it up.
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imacoolmom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:16 pm
amother Aqua wrote:
OP, can you please clarify what you mean by "rich" and "well-off"? I think people tend to have very different ideas on this. My parents live in a large home and drive luxury cars and take fancy vacations but they are upper middle class, not rich. Is that still "well-off"?

Hmmm fair question as it’s all relative. The way you describe your parents lifestyle I would call wealthy as fancy vacations luxury cars and large homes require a lot of $$ especially in a frum community.
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amother
Dustypink


 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:16 pm
amother Oak wrote:
My in laws are rich. They have an only daughter, which they fully support & bought her a house when she got married, and 7 sons which they won't even help with a down payment. So their daughter lives a high standard lavish lifestyle, while the son's are working long hours to provide for their families. The son in law and daughter have part time jobs.
My FIL does make out a tiny business check towards my kids tuition, so his taxes should be lower. This is his support towards us. $250 a month. Which we really appreciate as we don't really expect anything.


You don’t sound very appreciative. You sound resentful.

Parnassah comes from Hashem. You’re getting every penny Hashem wants you to have. No reason to be jealous
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amother
NeonGreen


 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:18 pm
My parents are rich and everyone assumes that they give us money-not true!
We got our down payment for our house which was very appreciated but we pay the mortgage ourselves, we pay our own kids tuition, our grocery bills and our vacation if we ever go!
My parents don’t give us anything on a day to day basis and I’m fine with it…we have 2 cars that we lease with our own money but I’ve heard comments like of course u have 2 cars u have ur parents credit card! We do not!!
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amother
Dustypink


 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:18 pm
amother Oldlace wrote:
My in-laws are very comfortable. They are very generous. DH works part time for his dad but his dad does not really need the help so tbh it’s more of a chessed than anything else. Yes, we get flown to Israel 3 times a year and our rent and cell phones and car paid but to me it means nothing because my DH is not motivated to get a real life and job Sad

Obviously I’m grateful to them because we lack for nothing but I wish we didn’t need the support.


Interesting because when I read what you wrote about your dh working part time and his dad doesn’t really need the help, I thought, how does anyone like that have self respect?
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amother
Royalblue


 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:19 pm
amother Slateblue wrote:
I have volunteered for Tomchi Shabbos when single, and I saw lots of families whose parents were rich on the list. Many wealthy parents believe in their children being financially independent- for the better or for worse.


Totally off topic but..
This is really disturbing me. I thought an organization like tomchei shabbos was more confidential than that. Every volunteer has access to the list of recipients? Do they at-least commit to a confidentiality agreement?
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amother
Dustypink


 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:19 pm
amother DarkCyan wrote:
My parents are very rich. I get nothing from them. I had to build from the ground up and we are barely making it. It’s really rough going from that lifestyle to this. It’s also hard knowing they can technically help us but won’t and when we are desperate it’s painful. There was also a time I had to take tzedaka and get food from tomchei shabbos. So everyone needs to stop with their assumptions.


That’s sad.
I wonder what those parents are saving their money for, their kids to enjoy the money after the folks are gone? Wouldn’t they rather see their kids use and enjoy it while they need it, during the parents’ lifetime?

Just curious, what’s the reason your folks don’t help. Have you ever asked?
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amother
Purple


 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:21 pm
amother Dustypink wrote:
That’s sad.
I wonder what those parents are saving their money for, their kids to enjoy the money after the folks are gone? Wouldn’t they rather see their kids use and enjoy it while they need it, during the parents’ lifetime?

Just curious, what’s the reason your folks don’t help. Have you ever asked?


Pretty sure the reason is so the kids don’t blow through it all. If the kids have their own means of making a living, the money can grow and be used continuously for large things like simchas homes retirement instead of being blown through.
People are less likely to blow through their own hard earned money than their parents…

Also for mental health it’s good to be productive
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imacoolmom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:22 pm
So I thought about it and what I’m referring to is parents who have big $, more than what they need. For instance my in-laws and my parents do well but there’s not unlimited funds and they need to think about t retirement as well among other things.
PS: I definitely definitely don’t think we should expect or feel entitled to help-only considering that we push for our kids to get married young before they know how to handle finances-our parents thought process was to give us a boost until we got on our feet ( which was nice in theory, but when we needed to make it on our own we were still lost )
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amother
Dustypink


 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:23 pm
amother Aqua wrote:
OP, can you please clarify what you mean by "rich" and "well-off"? I think people tend to have very different ideas on this. My parents live in a large home and drive luxury cars and take fancy vacations but they are upper middle class, not rich. Is that still "well-off"?


Yes
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amother
Oak


 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:24 pm
amother Bergamot wrote:
I’m confused about this. If someone is wealthy are they expected to support all their married children? Help with tuition or a house is huge. Gifts here and there are great.
Don’t the kids expect to work and support their own families?


We don't expect support or help. But it is very hurtful to see their daughter living the high life and being fully supported, while the other's aren't getting anything.
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amother
Dustypink


 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:26 pm
amother Purple wrote:
Pretty sure the reason is so the kids don’t blow through it all. If the kids have their own means of making a living, the money can grow and be used continuously for large things like simchas homes retirement instead of being blown through.
People are less likely to blow through their own hard earned money than their parents…


I understand that but what about people who are really suffering financially? Living in a small apt with lots of kids? Why not help them get a house? That’s an investment, it’s not blowing through the money
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amother
Clover


 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:27 pm
My in laws are rich. My parents are comfortable but raised us to live independently. Unfortunately DH was handed everything and has no sense of responsibility at all. My inlaws and parents supported us while we each were in school. After that they were both supposed to cut off the support. However, DH couldn't keep a job. My parents don't know because I'm too ashamed to tell them but DH parents bought us our house and pay the mortgage monthly. They aren't doing it because they want to, they are doing it because otherwise we would be homeless. And it's a terrible feeling. Having rich family isn't all it's cracked up to be. Though I'm grateful every day for the generosity of my in laws for giving to us after 10+ years with no end in sight.
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amother
Oldlace


 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:39 pm
amother Dustypink wrote:
Interesting because when I read what you wrote about your dh working part time and his dad doesn’t really need the help, I thought, how does anyone like that have self respect?


My DH is depressed and unmotivated. Does that help you?
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amother
Cherry


 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:39 pm
amother Clover wrote:
My in laws are rich. My parents are comfortable but raised us to live independently. Unfortunately DH was handed everything and has no sense of responsibility at all. My inlaws and parents supported us while we each were in school. After that they were both supposed to cut off the support. However, DH couldn't keep a job. My parents don't know because I'm too ashamed to tell them but DH parents bought us our house and pay the mortgage monthly. They aren't doing it because they want to, they are doing it because otherwise we would be homeless. And it's a terrible feeling. Having rich family isn't all it's cracked up to be. Though I'm grateful every day for the generosity of my in laws for giving to us after 10+ years with no end in sight.


Your post answers the previous poster who was saying that (well-off) parents should help out a young couple until they find their footing because we marry them off young.

This is a good example of why parents don't want to support their kids from the start. The kids rely on the parents and don't take responsibility for themselves. When they are finally forced to do so, they're often left scrambling for many years trying to figure out how to go about it. If a couple is forced from the start and doesn't have support to rely on, they usually get grounded pretty quickly. But once support is established, it's becomes a crutch and its very hard to get rid of. It's also much harder to settle yourself financially when you have children and the expenses are much higher.

For this reason, there are wealthy parents who give children extras instead of necessities. They want their children to be able to stand on their own two feet and support themselves with the basics, but at the same time they're happy to provide extras for them where they can. I happen to think this is very sensible plan - it encourages the children to mature and become settled well-rounded adults, while at the same time they get treated to some luxuries and extra stuff.
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amother
Cyclamen


 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:40 pm
My parents are comfortable enough BH that my father retired before he was 50 and BH never worked a day since (more than 20 years- ad 120 in good health) I did not
Grow up with any sense of their money. But BH my college and graduate degree were laid in full (which I’m hugely grateful for since my colleagues are all
In student debt) and not only gave me several
Hundred thousand to put down on apartment, they also recently gave me enough money to pay off mortgage. They are hugely generous with us and my children and we are privileged in many ways BH. But they live in a modest home, drive modest cars, wear modest clothes, have no cleaning help, and we do the same. No one would know that BH I own my apt outright (thanks to them) at work full time and don’t take them or their generosity for granted. I don’t rely on them financially but I know the generational wealth (not having debt) gives me a leg up. I also
Know if gd forbid something happened to me
Or my family, financially I’d still be ok, which is a huge measure of comfort. My children know
They have things (like amazing memories
Of pesach spent away, and lots of other travel
Experiences) because of them. We are hugely grateful to them and hope I
Can repay them in Nachas
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imacoolmom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:42 pm
amother Clover wrote:
My in laws are rich. My parents are comfortable but raised us to live independently. Unfortunately DH was handed everything and has no sense of responsibility at all. My inlaws and parents supported us while we each were in school. After that they were both supposed to cut off the support. However, DH couldn't keep a job. My parents don't know because I'm too ashamed to tell them but DH parents bought us our house and pay the mortgage monthly. They aren't doing it because they want to, they are doing it because otherwise we would be homeless. And it's a terrible feeling. Having rich family isn't all it's cracked up to be. Though I'm grateful every day for the generosity of my in laws for giving to us after 10+ years with no end in sight.

Clover this I get bec years ago dh was trying his best but we just weren’t making it and started to get into some debt our parents bailed us out many times and it was a horrible horrible feeling-grateful of course that we didn’t lose our house but dh felt embarrassed and somewhat emasculated it really took a terrible toll on his self esteem.
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tweety1




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:42 pm
My parents are RICH RICH. They have a small family yet don't give a penny to their children. Some of us are really struggling. They're great at telling us "do this do that" to make money.
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imacoolmom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Nov 27 2022, 4:43 pm
tweety1 wrote:
My parents are RICH RICH. They have a small family yet don't give a penny to their children. Some of us are really struggling. They're great at telling us "do this do that" to make money.

See, this I just don’t get.
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