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Chayalle
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 Mon, Nov 28 2022, 2:53 pm
Maybe because I don't actually see hosting as such a big deal. I'm wondering myself why it's such a "thing" by people to receive a gift (most of which I/they don't need, as posters have acknowledged).
Maybe because I'm a bit of a minimalist by nature, and don't need "stuff" and see it as wasteful to spend on things no one needs.
not sure but it's interesting to hear everyone's perspectives.
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Chayalle
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Mon, Nov 28 2022, 2:57 pm
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BTW interestingly, the one aspect of hosting that I consider to be a big deal, and that I don't do (though I've been asked many times) is babysitting. I work all week and need Shabbos to recharge. Also DH does not appreciate me being busy with someone's baby on Shabbos as part of hosting - he wants me to be available to my family. I had an experience lots of years ago where someone came with a baby and with the assumption that as their hosts I was responsible for their baby all Shabbos. Like, they came home after midnight on Shabbos night and I was up with a crying baby. Then they were gone all afternoon (it was a summer Shabbos) again, with a baby that didn't sleep much. And came home late after Shabbos. The thanks I got from them was about how nice it was for them to have a vacation, thank you very much. My no-babysitting-included (I learned to tell people this up front) started right then and there. And BTW that was the time I received the measuring spoons (from the Baal Simcha) and nothing from the couple that got free babysitting all Shabbos. As I don't consider babysitting to be part of Hachnasas Orchim that I signed up for, that was the one time a (big) gift would have been in order.
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flowerpower
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Mon, Nov 28 2022, 3:04 pm
| amother Moccasin wrote: | | I host often and I've asked people to host my guests. Usually the person making the simcha and the guests who stay at your house both give a gift. It's not necessary and if it doesn't happen I'm not upset. It's usually something small and inexpensive. The nicest thing I ever got from guests was a beautiful hand written card that came in the mail a week or two after I hosted them. |
I host very often (strangers) and 98% of the time the one staying leaves something there. I usually get chocolate or a small platter or nothing. And yes! It’s a lot of hard work preparing the place- from washing up the apartment, changing linen, restocking the fridge and coffee area....
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Chayalle
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Mon, Nov 28 2022, 3:09 pm
| flowerpower wrote: | | I host very often (strangers) and 98% of the time the one staying leaves something there. I usually get chocolate or a small platter or nothing. And yes! It’s a lot of hard work preparing the place- from washing up the apartment, changing linen, restocking the fridge and coffee area.... |
I admire your level of Hachnasas Orchim.
For myself, I just change the linen, make sure the space is clean (cleaning lady, or run the roomba and wipe down bathroom if for some reason cleaning lady didn't show that week....otherwise it's part of her cleaning schedule anyway), and put out water bottles.
I had a teacher who taught us on the mishna in Pirkei Avos "V'yihu Aniyim Bnei Baisecha" that one explanation of this is not to go too crazy when you host company....if you stress about it less, you are likely to be willing to host more often....
You, flowerpower, do not fall into this category. You go all the way. More (flower)power to you! But it works for some people.
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snailmail
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Mon, Nov 28 2022, 4:19 pm
It depends on the community & on the baal simcha. My sisters have large houses, guest rooms in basements and regularly host guests for simchos. Its not really a big deal - housekeeper makes beds & cleans up after. They often get gifts for hosting, anything from flowers or a candy platter to a full china tea set service for 12! In my community very few people have separate guest rooms in basements and it is at least an inconvenience for people to host. It also depends if the baal simcha is making a lavish affair and hosting many people (you expect them to provide some token of gratitude) or its just bare bones and minimal people guests.
Its always menchlich to provide something to your host - if you cant afford it, at least a personal thank you note.
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amother
Brass
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Tue, Nov 29 2022, 1:19 am
| LittleDucky wrote: | No gift you ever get will be perfect for anyone. Someone will find a way to complain about anything you give except maybe cash. But then again, I don't want to feel like an AirBnB so there you go!
I don't have space to host people but wish I did. If I would host, if I could host, I wouldn't do it for a gift. (Starting to sound like Green Eggs and Ham here. Would I, could I? Not on my couch, not on my floor. No room behind this door! ). I would do it to participate in your Simcha, because we are friends, and because I hope that you or someone else would help me when I IYH make one. (Not that you would be required to help me when I need it. Just that it is part of being in a social society).
But yes, a gift is part of the socially accepted norms for hosting. Others expect it. It can be small, not perishable, so it can be prepped in advance. Bottle of wine/sparkling grape juice, candy, pretty hand soaps, a new Nitilas Yidayim towel, toy for the kids, sefer... |
My mother finds a way to complain about that, too.
Too much cash, or too little cash.
Cash is impersonal, shows you didn't put any thought into who you were giving it to/ shows you don't know the person and didn't care to find out/ it's tacky/ it's impersonal/ you didn't take the time to find a proper gift and don't really appreciate her efforts.
Bottom line, gift what you can, if you can. And don't sweat it.
Give me a gift I can't use, I'll regift it at some point, so THANK YOU for saving me the hassle of buying something and spending money I might not have during that future month! 
But just remember you will never please everyone.
A chocolate bar can also be faulty. The giver thinks that you need to put on more weight/ thinks you can't control yourself and don't bother dieting/ is cheap and impersonal/ is the wrong kind of chocolate/ is the wrong hechsher...
Just. You'll never please everyone, so don't try.
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Chayalle
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Tue, Nov 29 2022, 8:06 am
| amother Moonstone wrote: | I've never heard of such a thing.
I've hosted people with children and I've never been asked to babysit. I'm floored.
I once hosted a woman with a 2 year old who was visiting without her husband for a wedding. I had a 4 year old at the time so I offered for the kids to play together and I'd watch them on Friday afternoon so that she could shower. She was so profusely thankful. And it was not a big deal for me at all.
Never heard of someone leaving their baby for hours on end with a stranger.
Maybe this is community specific where there's no eruv? |
There is an Eruv. I was taken by surprise at their attitude too. (They were from OOT, I wondered if that was an OOT standard.)
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