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When asking neigbors to host OOT guests for a simcha...
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amother




DarkYellow
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 2:41 pm
I have hosted numerous times. I am usually given a small gift. I don't need the gift, but I appreciate the gesture of appreciation. It's a lot of work to host. If it wouldn't be a physical gift, I would also be ok if thanks were sincerely expressed in some way.

Once I was asked last minute to host guests for shabbos. I worked hard to prepare their room. They came while I was in the shower on Friday, and then they used a side door to go in/out over shabbos. They left early Sunday morning. I did not see them once! No gift, and not even a verbal thank you. That felt strange.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 2:53 pm
amother Fern wrote:
You’re in the minority,


Maybe because I don't actually see hosting as such a big deal. I'm wondering myself why it's such a "thing" by people to receive a gift (most of which I/they don't need, as posters have acknowledged).

Maybe because I'm a bit of a minimalist by nature, and don't need "stuff" and see it as wasteful to spend on things no one needs.

not sure but it's interesting to hear everyone's perspectives.
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 2:57 pm
BTW interestingly, the one aspect of hosting that I consider to be a big deal, and that I don't do (though I've been asked many times) is babysitting. I work all week and need Shabbos to recharge. Also DH does not appreciate me being busy with someone's baby on Shabbos as part of hosting - he wants me to be available to my family. I had an experience lots of years ago where someone came with a baby and with the assumption that as their hosts I was responsible for their baby all Shabbos. Like, they came home after midnight on Shabbos night and I was up with a crying baby. Then they were gone all afternoon (it was a summer Shabbos) again, with a baby that didn't sleep much. And came home late after Shabbos. The thanks I got from them was about how nice it was for them to have a vacation, thank you very much. My no-babysitting-included (I learned to tell people this up front) started right then and there. And BTW that was the time I received the measuring spoons (from the Baal Simcha) and nothing from the couple that got free babysitting all Shabbos. As I don't consider babysitting to be part of Hachnasas Orchim that I signed up for, that was the one time a (big) gift would have been in order.
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flowerpower




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 3:04 pm
amother Moccasin wrote:
I host often and I've asked people to host my guests. Usually the person making the simcha and the guests who stay at your house both give a gift. It's not necessary and if it doesn't happen I'm not upset. It's usually something small and inexpensive. The nicest thing I ever got from guests was a beautiful hand written card that came in the mail a week or two after I hosted them.


I host very often (strangers) and 98% of the time the one staying leaves something there. I usually get chocolate or a small platter or nothing. And yes! It’s a lot of hard work preparing the place- from washing up the apartment, changing linen, restocking the fridge and coffee area....
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 3:09 pm
flowerpower wrote:
I host very often (strangers) and 98% of the time the one staying leaves something there. I usually get chocolate or a small platter or nothing. And yes! It’s a lot of hard work preparing the place- from washing up the apartment, changing linen, restocking the fridge and coffee area....


I admire your level of Hachnasas Orchim.

For myself, I just change the linen, make sure the space is clean (cleaning lady, or run the roomba and wipe down bathroom if for some reason cleaning lady didn't show that week....otherwise it's part of her cleaning schedule anyway), and put out water bottles.

I had a teacher who taught us on the mishna in Pirkei Avos "V'yihu Aniyim Bnei Baisecha" that one explanation of this is not to go too crazy when you host company....if you stress about it less, you are likely to be willing to host more often....

You, flowerpower, do not fall into this category. You go all the way. More (flower)power to you! But it works for some people.
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snailmail




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 4:19 pm
It depends on the community & on the baal simcha. My sisters have large houses, guest rooms in basements and regularly host guests for simchos. Its not really a big deal - housekeeper makes beds & cleans up after. They often get gifts for hosting, anything from flowers or a candy platter to a full china tea set service for 12! In my community very few people have separate guest rooms in basements and it is at least an inconvenience for people to host. It also depends if the baal simcha is making a lavish affair and hosting many people (you expect them to provide some token of gratitude) or its just bare bones and minimal people guests.
Its always menchlich to provide something to your host - if you cant afford it, at least a personal thank you note.
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amother




Goldenrod
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 4:20 pm
While it’s nice for the person making the Simcha to give the hostess a gift, I would never hold it against them if they didn’t. All the expenses for a simcha really add up. That said, when I’m a guest at someone’s house I always bring a gift…

Something that did bother me was when my neighbor asked me to host someone when she was making a simcha, and then did not give me a gift, but I later heard from a friend (who is not particularly close to her) who also hosted, that she received a nice hostess gift from her. Like what? You either give everyone or no one…
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amother




Mintgreen
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 4:35 pm
Recently made a simcha m did not have headspace to find nice vases bowls etc
So gave the hosts small Candy platters Abt $10 each (6"rounds)
It was the thought that counted
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amother




Fern
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 4:48 pm
amother DarkYellow wrote:
I have hosted numerous times. I am usually given a small gift. I don't need the gift, but I appreciate the gesture of appreciation. It's a lot of work to host. If it wouldn't be a physical gift, I would also be ok if thanks were sincerely expressed in some way.

Once I was asked last minute to host guests for shabbos. I worked hard to prepare their room. They came while I was in the shower on Friday, and then they used a side door to go in/out over shabbos. They left early Sunday morning. I did not see them once! No gift, and not even a verbal thank you. That felt strange.



Not mentshlich at all
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amother




Stone
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 5:48 pm
I give my guest room relatively often for simchos but I am not usually asked by the baalei simcha themselves. There's a gemach here that lists people who have guest rooms and the woman running the gemach tells me for which dates she needs space. If I'm not booked yet, I give her the space.

Since it's not a personal favor to the baalei simcha, I don't really expect anything from them. Although a thank you when they see me would be nice, I really don't expect them to think of it with everything going on. But I do appreciate those that remember.

ETA: Everything I wrote above notwithstanding, I do think it is proper for baalei simcha to give a small something to people who did them the favor of hosting their guests. When we are hosted we always give something - a bottle of wine and/or a box of chocolates - whether or not the baalei simcha gave anything. That way we can be sure gratitude has been shown.
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amother




Moonstone
 

Post Mon, Nov 28 2022, 10:22 pm
Chayalle wrote:
BTW interestingly, the one aspect of hosting that I consider to be a big deal, and that I don't do (though I've been asked many times) is babysitting. I work all week and need Shabbos to recharge. Also DH does not appreciate me being busy with someone's baby on Shabbos as part of hosting - he wants me to be available to my family. I had an experience lots of years ago where someone came with a baby and with the assumption that as their hosts I was responsible for their baby all Shabbos. Like, they came home after midnight on Shabbos night and I was up with a crying baby. Then they were gone all afternoon (it was a summer Shabbos) again, with a baby that didn't sleep much. And came home late after Shabbos. The thanks I got from them was about how nice it was for them to have a vacation, thank you very much. My no-babysitting-included (I learned to tell people this up front) started right then and there. And BTW that was the time I received the measuring spoons (from the Baal Simcha) and nothing from the couple that got free babysitting all Shabbos. As I don't consider babysitting to be part of Hachnasas Orchim that I signed up for, that was the one time a (big) gift would have been in order.

I've never heard of such a thing.
I've hosted people with children and I've never been asked to babysit. I'm floored.
I once hosted a woman with a 2 year old who was visiting without her husband for a wedding. I had a 4 year old at the time so I offered for the kids to play together and I'd watch them on Friday afternoon so that she could shower. She was so profusely thankful. And it was not a big deal for me at all.

Never heard of someone leaving their baby for hours on end with a stranger.
Maybe this is community specific where there's no eruv?
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amother




Brass
 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2022, 1:19 am
LittleDucky wrote:
No gift you ever get will be perfect for anyone. Someone will find a way to complain about anything you give except maybe cash. But then again, I don't want to feel like an AirBnB so there you go!
I don't have space to host people but wish I did. If I would host, if I could host, I wouldn't do it for a gift. (Starting to sound like Green Eggs and Ham here. Would I, could I? Not on my couch, not on my floor. No room behind this door! ). I would do it to participate in your Simcha, because we are friends, and because I hope that you or someone else would help me when I IYH make one. (Not that you would be required to help me when I need it. Just that it is part of being in a social society).

But yes, a gift is part of the socially accepted norms for hosting. Others expect it. It can be small, not perishable, so it can be prepped in advance. Bottle of wine/sparkling grape juice, candy, pretty hand soaps, a new Nitilas Yidayim towel, toy for the kids, sefer...

My mother finds a way to complain about that, too.

Too much cash, or too little cash.
Cash is impersonal, shows you didn't put any thought into who you were giving it to/ shows you don't know the person and didn't care to find out/ it's tacky/ it's impersonal/ you didn't take the time to find a proper gift and don't really appreciate her efforts.

Bottom line, gift what you can, if you can. And don't sweat it.

Give me a gift I can't use, I'll regift it at some point, so THANK YOU for saving me the hassle of buying something and spending money I might not have during that future month! Smile

But just remember you will never please everyone.

A chocolate bar can also be faulty. The giver thinks that you need to put on more weight/ thinks you can't control yourself and don't bother dieting/ is cheap and impersonal/ is the wrong kind of chocolate/ is the wrong hechsher...

Just. You'll never please everyone, so don't try. Smile
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amother




Arcticblue
 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2022, 2:50 am
amother Mintgreen wrote:
Recently made a simcha m did not have headspace to find nice vases bowls etc
So gave the hosts small Candy platters Abt $10 each (6"rounds)
It was the thought that counted


You act like this is strange.
I get those all the time.
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amother




NeonBlue
 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2022, 5:20 am
[quote="amother Goldenrod

Something that did bother me was when my neighbor asked me to host someone when she was making a simcha, and then did not give me a gift, but I later heard from a friend (who is not particularly close to her) who also hosted, that she received a nice hostess gift from her. Like what? You either give everyone or no one…[/quote]

To be DLZ: we recently made a Simcha and had guests staying at 14 different neighbors. We have a nice havdalah candle and personal card to each host, that I wrapped beautifully.

My teenage DD had delivered all the gifts the Thursday before the Simcha. Well, I thought she did. About a week after the Simcha, I found one gift and card rolling around my minivan! A Simcha is so busy, that mistakes happen!
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amother




Poppy
 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2022, 6:13 am
Chayalle wrote:
When I am a guest, I give my signature Babka bundt, and I always get comments about it being enjoyed.

But when I make a Simcha B"EH, not sure I will have the time and energy to bake that many babkas to give all the hosts.


Recipe?
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Chayalle




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2022, 8:06 am
amother Moonstone wrote:
I've never heard of such a thing.
I've hosted people with children and I've never been asked to babysit. I'm floored.
I once hosted a woman with a 2 year old who was visiting without her husband for a wedding. I had a 4 year old at the time so I offered for the kids to play together and I'd watch them on Friday afternoon so that she could shower. She was so profusely thankful. And it was not a big deal for me at all.

Never heard of someone leaving their baby for hours on end with a stranger.
Maybe this is community specific where there's no eruv?


There is an Eruv. I was taken by surprise at their attitude too. (They were from OOT, I wondered if that was an OOT standard.)
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amother




Cinnamon
 

Post Tue, Nov 29 2022, 8:34 am
Chayalle wrote:
There is an Eruv. I was taken by surprise at their attitude too. (They were from OOT, I wondered if that was an OOT standard.)

No it’s not an OOT standard, at least not my OOT. I have offered to watch a sleeping baby Friday night or awake kids Shabbos morning so the guest can go hear a bar mitzvah boy lein if it works for me that week but it’s not expected and my guests are surprised and extremely appreciative with the offer.
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