Dd giving birth soon no room to have her in my house

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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doodlesmom

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 6:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

I live very far from her. We have a tiny house. I don’t know how almost everyone have their kids over.

What do u mean by very far? Different country? City? Neighborhood?

amother

Bellflower

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 6:16 pm

I've had difficult recoveries (c-sections, infections, etc.). Not sure if that's the level your daughter has.

But if she doesn't have any older kids around, and the complications are not over-the-top, there's really no reason she needs to move in. Hopefully people are making her some meals? And her husband will step up and help? I honestly recover better at home than I would in my parents' home. I went there once after a baby because it was right before Yom Tov, and honestly I couldn't wait to get back home again.

If you're able, you can ask her if she wants you to come and help for a few days. If you're not, though, she'll figure it out. You can support her in other ways, especially if you're able to help out a bit financially. Things like paying the fee to get groceries delivered, buying some things online to make her life easier and having them shipped to her, things like that can really help.

amother

Lightcyan

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 6:24 pm

amother Bellflower wrote:

This.
It feels bad, why should the kids have to relate on chesed if they have a mother. It's ok, it's a cycle and we give into it when we can. I'm all for helping her do well in her own home if possible. You'll get there when you can. Bshaa tova!

amother

Mocha

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 6:32 pm

Lovely of you to want to host dd but know that many many many women don't have the luxury of going home to Mom after delivery. Probably most women. Nobody I know had this luxury, I live in an apartment jungle and not only didn't people go home to Mother, they didn't have room for Mother to stay over, or Mother was still employed and couldn't get so much time off. They manage. Their husbands step up to the plate, they hire help, or they grit their teeth and slog through any way they can. Pleasant it's not but fatal it's also not. Your dd will survive.

amother

Lightcyan

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 6:41 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

Yes. I will add that I'm grateful for community help. Meals for 2 weeks, chessed girls once or twice.

amother

Begonia

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 6:42 pm

My mom never offered to any of my siblings, couple need to figure out a plan. friends/ relatives/ town org, whoever.
You say you have no room.
thats it. you dont.
Ask her what ideas she has , that would be helpful,
and As much as you love her, your cant offer the space.

and as being said before, most people I know dont move into mom, expect for one.

BH moms have enough on their plate, not always they can.

amother

Lightcyan

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 6:48 pm

amother Begonia wrote:

Yes. I was dealing with traveling for one of my parents. The kids were amazingly understanding. Though they didn't have complications.

amother

Strawberry

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 8:22 pm

Can your children that live at home move into a neighbors basement for a week, just to sleep there?

zaq

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 8:26 pm

"Almost everyone" has their kids over? This is news to me. If this were true, there would be no such thing as kimpatorin homes.

amother

Rose

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 8:34 pm

amother Mocha wrote:

It seems like some posters didn't read that part where OP mentioned that her daughter has complications which is why she needs help. Caring for a baby by herself might very well be life threatening for her.

essie14

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 8:45 pm

I didn't go to my mother and she didn't come help me.
We had cleaning help and ate take out and DH took some days off.

If you want to pay for that, OP, that would certainly be a nice gesture. But many mothers work full time and don't fully take care of their postpartum daughters.

You can pay for a baby nurse, as well.

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 9:19 pm

zaq wrote:

"Almost everyone" has their kids over? This is news to me. If this were true, there would be no such thing as kimpatorin homes.

In some communities, this is what most people do for first baby. Don't start bashing about entitlement if you don't know the first thing about a community.

OP, I know some people who had a few kids sleep by grandparents etc. as a temporary arrangement.

losingweight

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 9:34 pm

OP can you rearrange the dining room furniture to accomodate some beds for the week? In most chassidish communities the kimperurin goes to her mom or kimpeturin home to rest up. Seldom do they go straight home.

Iymnok

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 10:23 pm

I was in Israel, my mother in America. She asked me when it’s best to come and she’d come for two weeks. She stayed either in my apartment or in a neighbor’s guest room. BH she was able to. It was a huge help.

LovesHashem

Tue, Nov 29 2022, 10:25 pm

amother Navy wrote:

What do they do in Israel with their small apartments?

Were used to living in smaller spaces.

amother

Brass

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 12:15 am

LovesHashem wrote:

Were used to living in smaller spaces.

That's true but I don't have the luxury of moving in to my mother's house because there is no room. My mother comes to visit me when she can (she also works full time) and DH takes off vacation to be around. MIL sends in food and somehow we manage. My MIL would quite happily host us but it's very small there and I want my own space after birth.

WitchKitty

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 12:46 am

Around here most young women go to the mother after birth. The first 2-3 births at least. The only ones I know who didn't were those whose mothers gave birth at the same time.
Kids share beds or couches. It's only one room you need.

amother

Oatmeal

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 2:05 am

If you live far away, is the new mother going to be up to traveling to you? Especially with complications? My in laws invited us to come when my first was 2 months old and I couldn't make the trip.
Does she even want to come to a house packed with younger siblings?

amother

Rainbow

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 5:51 am

WitchKitty wrote:

Community norms or not, everyone in this picture is adults. Seems like she hasn't given birth yet. Why can't the adults have a conversation to work out a plan. Presumably the dd is quite well aware that her mother lives in a small house and doesn't have room for her. And the dd is obviously aware that she'll need significant help because of complications. So I'm not understanding why mom and dd don't work out a plan that takes everything into consideration.

Personally, I don't agree with moving kids out of their rooms for an extended period of time. In emergency cases or for short stays, it's fine. But for longer stays, it's unfair to them. Some kids may not sleep as well, some kids feel like they're personal space has been overtaken, especially if they're delegated to the couch and have limited access to their personal stuff in their rooms.

Just One

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 6:08 am

This adult everybody's taking about might be a 19 year old who's just figuring out how to adult. Part of the equation for marrying kids off young is that mom and extended family are there to step in for the first couple of years.

If OP's daughter comes from a community where going to mom after birth is expected, that might be her daughter's after birth plan, complications or not. Leaving her in a lurch is unfair.

If doubling kids up and squeezing them in for two weeks is really not feasible, then I second the idea of paying for a night nurse and some extra cleaning help.

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