SIL sent 13 year old alone to my bar mitzvah without asking

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 1:41 am

My brother and his wife had an excuse to not attend my first son’s bar mitzvah. I feel it was an extremely lightweight excuse, but who knows what was really going on. My brother told me, about 3 weeks before the event, “My DS13 falls behind when he misses school, and he’s being tutored in so many subjects, that I wish we could come, but it would be so detrimental to him.”

I wondered why the 13 year old couldn’t stay with a friend for Shabbos, but felt that it’s not my place to question their excuse, perhaps they’re dealing with something serious and private.

This was a major Shabbos. I had 120 people from OOT for Shabbos, and many more at the kiddush. Although it was catered, I was busy with 1,000 last-minute things (hosts canceling, vases not fitting the flowers, shalosh seudos venue had to be changed at the last minute, etc)

On Thursday night before the Bar mitzvah, my brother called DH and said “I have a ride for my DS13 to your bar mitzvah. He’ll arrive at midnight at this address.”

And that’s what happened.

Was this remotely normal?

Note that my bar mitzvah DS is not close to this nephew of mine, as I suspect that this nephew is socially slow, and they haven’t seen each other much in the past few years.

My DH was so busy that he didn’t even think of telling my brother that we’re not up to hosting other people’s kids at the last minute.

And, the kid arrived, we picked him up at midnight.

Brother and SIL did not call or text Mazel Tov the entire week prior to the bar mitzvah.

Friday afternoon SIL texted me “How’s my DS doing?” With zero mention that I was making a Simcha.

I do NOT need any gifts. They did not send a Sefer or chocolates or a card.

I’m really annoyed

Yet I’m afraid, based on past experiences, that if I bring it up, they’ll just be defensive and upset at me. On the other hand, this is going to bubble inside me for a while.

Putting aside that this nephew was their excuse for not coming for Shabbos, when all my other siblings came from near and far, I feel it was so inconsiderate not to ASK us if we wanted to host their son! And that they didn’t call or text Mazel Tov at all!

amother

Honeysuckle

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 1:44 am

This is beyond the pale. I am so sorry OP.

amother

Firethorn

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 1:48 am

Ouch, OP. That's really upsetting.

I'm sure there's some way to be dan lekaf zechus, but that's not an easy one.

imaima

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 1:49 am

This is really weird. I am sorry. I hope the rest of your simcha was great

amother

Periwinkle

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 1:50 am

I would just try to belive that there's something more going on.
My brother recently made his first bris after a few girls and I didn't attend using something that could've been seen as a poor excuse.
In actuality I'd just been found out that there are some serious issues with the pregnancy I'm carrying and I just couldn't face the bris after pushing myself to attend the sholom zocher and vach nacht...

amother

Sienna

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 3:53 am

Maybe being slow runs in that branch of the family

Rappel

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 4:00 am

Sounds like they wanted their 13 year old son to be close to yours. or maybe they were worried that it would be a family faux pas if he missed his cousins bar mitzvah.

And for whatever reason, the parents really couldn't come.

They made it work, but they made some mistakes on the way.

Did it ruin your day? Can you forgive them?

Did your DS enjoy his time with his cousin in the end?

amother

DarkKhaki

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 6:27 am

OP who knows what's really going on. It could be something very serious is going on that they can't tell yet. Be dan lecaf zechus. You never know. It's still annoying, but you probably did double a mitzvah.

amother

Ghostwhite

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 6:32 am

What can I say, people are weird. Just listened to SIL venting about people not coming to her upcoming bar mitzva. Meanwhile she and her husband (she decides the social attendance in the family, her husband is my husbands brother) missed both of my sons bar mitzvas for pretty poor reasons and one of our dd's bas mitzvas. I just clamped my mouth shut very very hard. I think she might not even remember that this happened!!!!

I would think it is normal to send a 13 year old alone, close or not, but the way they did it is odd.

Be dan lkaf zchus and assume there was a good reason.

amother

Bottlebrush

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 6:38 am

I'm so sorry OP. That is not OK. We can try to be Dan lkaf zechus why they couldn't make it and chose to send DS last minute but the fact that they didn't even acknowledge your Simcha whether by phone or text is tough to swallow.

I hops you had a beautiful shabbos (it sounds like it was) and have only nachas from your son.

amother

Mocha

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 6:40 am

Rappel wrote:

Did your DS enjoy his time with his cousin in the end?

no his mother thinks hes "slow"!

amother

Aquamarine

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 6:43 am

amother Sienna wrote:

Maybe being slow runs in that branch of the family

I thought it was mean that she called her nephew slow whatever that means.

amother

Red

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 6:58 am

OP I understand you are upset for yourself, your family, your son.

But this screams out some kind of problem in your SIL's family. Please just try to focus on the nephew. This can't have been easy for him. He must be going through a lot. Poor kid.

amother

Cobalt

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 7:04 am

You hosted 120 out of town guests for shabbos and had a massive kiddush? Wow, thats so beautiful, you are so lucky.

amother

White

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 7:11 am

I’m stuck on the details
Where did he stay?
Who took care of him?
They didn’t ask you if this would work but expected you to pick him up somewhere at midnight?
They assumed you would be happy he could join?
Mazel Tov

amother

Lily

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 7:15 am

I think a 13 year old boy should be invited to his cousins bar mitzvah. Regardless if he is “slow” or not.

Also a 13 year old is not a kid that you need to watch over to make sure he ears and sleeps.

Last edited by amother on Wed, Nov 30 2022, 7:21 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

White

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 7:18 am

He was invited his whole family was invited but they said they couldn’t come

amother

White

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 7:20 am

Sounds like he really wanted to go was probably upset about not going they found a ride last minute and sent him
Good for you op for making it work

amother

Mint

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 7:21 am

They probably used their original excuse and forgot what they told you. There must have been some other reason why they couldn’t attend since they worked out a way for the 13 year old to come. Or maybe they have another child who needs all the tutoring and you thought they meant the 13 year old?

amother

Peachpuff

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 7:32 am

Maybe your simcha is a painful reminder to them of how their own son same age is not thriving the same way...

It doesn't need to be anything serious going on. It could just be feelings that they can't process.

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