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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
SIL sent 13 year old alone to my bar mitzvah without asking
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octopus




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 7:42 am
They sound dysfunctional.
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MiracleMama




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 7:46 am
amother OP wrote:
My brother and his wife had an excuse to not attend my first son’s bar mitzvah. I feel it was an extremely lightweight excuse, but who knows what was really going on. My brother told me, about 3 weeks before the event, “My DS13 falls behind when he misses school, and he’s being tutored in so many subjects, that I wish we could come, but it would be so detrimental to him.”

I wondered why the 13 year old couldn’t stay with a friend for Shabbos, but felt that it’s not my place to question their excuse, perhaps they’re dealing with something serious and private.

This was a major Shabbos. I had 120 people from OOT for Shabbos, and many more at the kiddush. Although it was catered, I was busy with 1,000 last-minute things (hosts canceling, vases not fitting the flowers, shalosh seudos venue had to be changed at the last minute, etc)

On Thursday night before the Bar mitzvah, my brother called DH and said “I have a ride for my DS13 to your bar mitzvah. He’ll arrive at midnight at this address.”

And that’s what happened.

Was this remotely normal?

Note that my bar mitzvah DS is not close to this nephew of mine, as I suspect that this nephew is socially slow, and they haven’t seen each other much in the past few years.

My DH was so busy that he didn’t even think of telling my brother that we’re not up to hosting other people’s kids at the last minute.

And, the kid arrived, we picked him up at midnight.

Brother and SIL did not call or text Mazel Tov the entire week prior to the bar mitzvah.

Friday afternoon SIL texted me “How’s my DS doing?” With zero mention that I was making a Simcha.

I do NOT need any gifts. They did not send a Sefer or chocolates or a card.

I’m really annoyed

Yet I’m afraid, based on past experiences, that if I bring it up, they’ll just be defensive and upset at me. On the other hand, this is going to bubble inside me for a while.

Putting aside that this nephew was their excuse for not coming for Shabbos, when all my other siblings came from near and far, I feel it was so inconsiderate not to ASK us if we wanted to host their son! And that they didn’t call or text Mazel Tov at all!


So, yeah, that's weird and rude. Very much so.

Focus on the bolded I guess.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 7:59 am
amother White wrote:
I’m stuck on the details
Where did he stay?
Who took care of him?
They didn’t ask you if this would work but expected you to pick him up somewhere at midnight?
They assumed you would be happy he could join?
Mazel Tov


He stayed on a pile of 5 blankets that DS pulled out for him on the floor of his room.

Yes we picked him up at midnight.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 8:01 am
amother Mint wrote:
They probably used their original excuse and forgot what they told you. There must have been some other reason why they couldn’t attend since they worked out a way for the 13 year old to come. Or maybe they have another child who needs all the tutoring and you thought they meant the 13 year old?


There was no confusion about which kid it was.

They should keep their story straight! If their excuse for not attending as a family is this kid, then when they send this kid, they should think up a new excuse!!!!!!!!
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 8:36 am
oneofakind wrote:
If they are generally normal people, there must be something serious and private going on. If they are generally weird, this is part of their weirdness and you have to accept it and even expect weird behavior. If they act normal, you can be pleasantly surprised.


You hit the nail on the head.

They’ve done a lot of mildly/ very obnoxious things. Anytime I brought anything up, they’re full of defenses.

I just spoke to my therapist. She told me that I have to stop being surprised by them. They’re rude and self-centered, and she pointed out that I’m constant surprised by their next-level cluelessness.

I’m sad to acknowledge that that’s the truth. They’re not caring people. I don’t mean anything to them. They only think of me in terms of how I can service them. (I’m not going to write out all the other stories of things they’ve done). I’m so sad that this is how my brother ended up, and this is the wife he chose, someone who constantly displays her own selfishness almost every time we interact.
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cookier




 
 
    
 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 8:38 am
Perhaps the original reason was the truth but he was doing better and desperately wanted to go but they weren’t able to arrange a ride and place to stay for the whole family and thought one kid would be easier for you to handle than the whole family showing up? And maybe she was worried about her son and that clouded out the reasonable thing of saying mazel tov/asking about your simcha? I only have a little one but I can imagine even at 13 if I’d sent her relatively far at the last minute and hadn’t done that before, I would be worried and might forget to be polite in that stress.

What they did was certainly not fair to you, and not having a pre-arranged ride and sleeping accommodations for their CHILD is unacceptable, but I think there are a lot of possibilities behind their behavior and they almost undoubtedly were not shipping their kid off in the middle of the night to hurt you. I know it’s very difficult not to bring it up when we’re rightfully hurt, and we always want to believe that if we could just tell them they’d fix it, but the truth is most of us aren’t great at telling someone we were hurt without putting them on the defensive, and most of us have a hard time hearing we hurt someone. If that’s the case and it’s not a relationship you’re prepared to lose, then you’re doing the right thing by not bringing it up. Just know your feelings are valid, and what they did was not ok, but you can only control your behavior and if you’re happy with how you handled it in the moment, that’s all you can do. Maybe one day they, you, and your relationship be in a place where you can discuss it, but until then it would be appropriate to set boundaries around your interactions. Something like “we enjoyed having your son with us/he had a good time, and it really added to DS’s simcha to have his cousin. Iyh your whole family will be able to come to the next simcha! When the time comes, I’ll be happy to help with arrangements, but I need more than a few hours’ warning to do so. I am so thankful we were able to pick him up, but the risk of not being able to get to him quickly or find a safe ride for a child so late is too high.”
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amother
Oak


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 12:07 pm
amother Sienna wrote:
Maybe being slow runs in that branch of the family


This literally hurt to read. Seeing that it received over 30 likes felt like a punch in the gut.
Maybe it's because I just lost my brother who suffered from autism so I'm feeling sensitive. Maybe it's because I have another close family member who people would call "slow".

Is life about finding the right sized vases for your flower arrangements? Maybe it is...I'm most of the time guilty of the same...focusing on getting all the mundane physical things perfect, and getting annoyed at weird people for being weird.

Life is short. Be nice to the "socially off" and the "slow" people. Be grateful you are not them. Be grateful that you only have to feel annoyed by them from time to time and not suffering from whatever they are suffering from for an entire lifetime.
Sorry if I'm preaching but I'm talking to myself too.
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amother
Lilac


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 2:23 pm
OP I assume the parents are lacking in social skills. It was extremely kind of you to take care of your nephew. My DH's cousin was learning in a certain yeshiva in our town. We were not close(emotionally) at all to this side of the family. The Day of the Seder, Again, The Day of the Seder for Pesach there's a knock on the door. Boom, This cousin shows up (he's about 18) with his suitcase, and stays with us for the week of Pesach. No asking us first, no nothing. How did they know we had a bed for him?? (The yeshiva sent him because it was closed for the week. They said''we have family in town''. This is a true story. I was younger so we accepted it. Now I would not put up with this type of thing.
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amother
Seashell


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 4:31 pm
cookier wrote:
t I can imagine even at 13 if I’d sent her relatively far at the last minute and hadn’t done that before, I would be worried and might forget to be polite in that stress.

.”


No, you wouldn't. Assuming that your brainbox is outfitted with at least the standard equipment, you would either deliver the kid to the simcha yourself, send him with a trusted adult escort, or tell him you're sorry, there's no way to get him there and he can't go. You wouldn't send your kid into the Great Unknown in the middle of the night and "forget to be polite" out of worry. Of course, it's possible that OP's relatives don't, in fact, have a full complement of sense, social and common, which could explain both their apparent rudeness and the fact that they see nothing wrong with sending a kid off on his own in the middle of the night. But if this is the case, why is OP unaware of their handicap? It's her BROTHER for Pete's sake, she would know if he were suspected of being on the spectrum.
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 4:38 pm
I really appreciate all the validation.

SIL is a top therapist, and it keeps boggling my mind how she behaves towards me each time we interact.
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amother
Ginger


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 4:40 pm
amother OP wrote:
My brother and his wife had an excuse to not attend my first son’s bar mitzvah. I feel it was an extremely lightweight excuse, but who knows what was really going on. My brother told me, about 3 weeks before the event, “My DS13 falls behind when he misses school, and he’s being tutored in so many subjects, that I wish we could come, but it would be so detrimental to him.”

I wondered why the 13 year old couldn’t stay with a friend for Shabbos, but felt that it’s not my place to question their excuse, perhaps they’re dealing with something serious and private.

This was a major Shabbos. I had 120 people from OOT for Shabbos, and many more at the kiddush. Although it was catered, I was busy with 1,000 last-minute things (hosts canceling, vases not fitting the flowers, shalosh seudos venue had to be changed at the last minute, etc)

On Thursday night before the Bar mitzvah, my brother called DH and said “I have a ride for my DS13 to your bar mitzvah. He’ll arrive at midnight at this address.”

And that’s what happened.

Was this remotely normal?

Note that my bar mitzvah DS is not close to this nephew of mine, as I suspect that this nephew is socially slow, and they haven’t seen each other much in the past few years.

My DH was so busy that he didn’t even think of telling my brother that we’re not up to hosting other people’s kids at the last minute.

And, the kid arrived, we picked him up at midnight.

Brother and SIL did not call or text Mazel Tov the entire week prior to the bar mitzvah.

Friday afternoon SIL texted me “How’s my DS doing?” With zero mention that I was making a Simcha.

I do NOT need any gifts. They did not send a Sefer or chocolates or a card.

I’m really annoyed

Yet I’m afraid, based on past experiences, that if I bring it up, they’ll just be defensive and upset at me. On the other hand, this is going to bubble inside me for a while.

Putting aside that this nephew was their excuse for not coming for Shabbos, when all my other siblings came from near and far, I feel it was so inconsiderate not to ASK us if we wanted to host their son! And that they didn’t call or text Mazel Tov at all!


You definitely should not bring it up to them!

He’s your nephew, not a stranger! What do you mean, this isn’t normal? Sounds like they’re going through some issues or difficulty, why don’t you have rachmanus?
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amother
OP


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 4:43 pm
amother Oak wrote:
This literally hurt to read. Seeing that it received over 30 likes felt like a punch in the gut.
Maybe it's because I just lost my brother who suffered from autism so I'm feeling sensitive. Maybe it's because I have another close family member who people would call "slow".

Is life about finding the right sized vases for your flower arrangements? Maybe it is...I'm most of the time guilty of the same...focusing on getting all the mundane physical things perfect, and getting annoyed at weird people for being weird.

Life is short. Be nice to the "socially off" and the "slow" people. Be grateful you are not them. Be grateful that you only have to feel annoyed by them from time to time and not suffering from whatever they are suffering from for an entire lifetime.
Sorry if I'm preaching but I'm talking to myself too.


I’m sorry for your loss!

I probably mis used the term slow.

I just meant that this nephew always seemed very immature to me. So it’s not as though they sent a self sufficient teen to me.
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amother
Starflower


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 4:44 pm
amother OP wrote:
I really appreciate all the validation.

SIL is a top therapist, and it keeps boggling my mind how she behaves towards me each time we interact.
I’ve been to some “top therapists” with bizarre behaviors. It’s not a contradiction at all.
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amother
Dustypink


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 5:45 pm
I look at it as Hashem sent this nisayon.

Focus on the beautiful event, your son milestone
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amother
Grape


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 5:51 pm
amother Ghostwhite wrote:
What can I say, people are weird. Just listened to SIL venting about people not coming to her upcoming bar mitzva. Meanwhile she and her husband (she decides the social attendance in the family, her husband is my husbands brother) missed both of my sons bar mitzvas for pretty poor reasons and one of our dd's bas mitzvas. I just clamped my mouth shut very very hard. I think she might not even remember that this happened!!!!

I would think it is normal to send a 13 year old alone, close or not, but the way they did it is odd.

Be dan lkaf zchus and assume there was a good reason.

its normal and yes the way is odd
but waht I'm most confused about is that the excuse they gave was BECAUSE of the 13 son!!!!
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amother
Grape


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 5:53 pm
amother Aquamarine wrote:
I thought it was mean that she called her nephew slow whatever that means.

??? Mean? slow is a diagnosis (not an official one but a diagnosis at the very least)
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amother
Grape


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 5:56 pm
amother Lily wrote:
I think a 13 year old boy should be invited to his cousins bar mitzvah. Regardless if he is “slow” or not.

Also a 13 year old is not a kid that you need to watch over to make sure he ears and sleeps.

Number on, it sounds like THIS boy needed to be watched over much more.
And without so much warning, they told her to find a place for him and pick him up from a specific place at a specific time...
especially the fact that SIL asked if how he's doing and no mention of anything else.
Also, it doesn't sound like he was disinvited (OP, correct me if I'm wrong), it just that usually family as a whole is invited and if only one child will attend, standard protocol is to ASK if its ok....
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amother
Charcoal


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 5:58 pm
amother White wrote:
Right — love all these parents who send kids and are like don’t worry he/she/they can take care of themselves
Sure
Self centered rationalizing at best
Your thread title says it all op
I’d let it go and have 0 expectations of some people


Reminds me of what my mil said after my dd had jaw realignment surgery. She said that oh, she's 16 already, she can stay by herself at night. Ah, no she can't. She was throwing up blood and that would be highly irresponsible of us to leave her alone.

Same mil and her son suggesting all the time to send her to Israel during vacation by herself while staying by their dd.
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amother
Grape


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 6:00 pm
amother Peachpuff wrote:
Maybe your simcha is a painful reminder to them of how their own son same age is not thriving the same way...

It doesn't need to be anything serious going on. It could just be feelings that they can't process.

may be a painful reminder but...grow up
its not as if she's childless for 15 years while op is making her 15th bar mitzvah in 15 years- well, the second part may be true...
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Wed, Nov 30 2022, 6:11 pm
amother OP wrote:
You hit the nail on the head.

They’ve done a lot of mildly/ very obnoxious things. Anytime I brought anything up, they’re full of defenses.

I just spoke to my therapist. She told me that I have to stop being surprised by them. They’re rude and self-centered, and she pointed out that I’m constant surprised by their next-level cluelessness.

I’m sad to acknowledge that that’s the truth. They’re not caring people. I don’t mean anything to them. They only think of me in terms of how I can service them. (I’m not going to write out all the other stories of things they’ve done). I’m so sad that this is how my brother ended up, and this is the wife he chose, someone who constantly displays her own selfishness almost every time we interact.

I’m sorry Op, but I really disagree with you. I don’t think they are self centered rather struggling to survive. If you have never lived this type of life it’s hard for you to understand. I would have compassion on poor nephew and be understanding that in life sometimes we don’t understand. Mazel Tov on the Bar Mitzvah, it sounds like it was very special!
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