SIL sent 13 year old alone to my bar mitzvah without asking

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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette

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amother

Grape

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 9:14 pm

amother Hotpink wrote:

I’m sorry Op, but I really disagree with you. I don’t think they are self centered rather struggling to survive. If you have never lived this type of life it’s hard for you to understand. I would have compassion on poor nephew and be understanding that in life sometimes we don’t understand. Mazel Tov on the Bar Mitzvah, it sounds like it was very special!

WHO SAYS THEY BEHAVE THIS WAY BECAUSE OF THEIR DS???

amother

White

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 9:15 pm

I have a sib who I could seeing doing this and believe me it is not because of their kids kwim

amother

Wed, Nov 30 2022, 9:33 pm

Where did you get the sense that they’re struggling to survive?

All you know about them is that their DS13 needs tutoring.

Two years ago, they had a need that my job provides. I did their entire thing at no charge, and I ate the cost of it. Once it was finished, I got three complaint texts from this SIL without a single thank you. And I did a phenomenal job.

She’s been a guest in my home and given her toddlers and preschoolers bowls of chulent to walk around with. When I said: Food may only be eaten in the kitchen or dining room, she responded: oh, my kids eat better when they walk around.

Every time I interact with them, she does something else that leaves me speechless. Each time I try to be DLZ and think this is a one-off mistake she made.

My therapist told me to stop being surprised by her obnoxious behavior. I posted here to see if there may be a valid point of view that sending her kid to my Simcha the way she did was normal.

amother

Broom

Thu, Dec 01 2022, 7:06 am

OP, after reading all responses, I applaud you hands down. You are trying to make sense out of a very weird and hurtful situation. All I can tell you, it won't ever make sense, because it is so not normal. I've learned that being DLK,Z isn't saying we don't know what where when. Sometimes it's just accepting that these people are obnoxious, and ZE HU. They might know better, or they might not.

However, you should realize that their kids might be suffering because of this. So you did well by taking in the kid, midnight and all.

amother

White

Thu, Dec 01 2022, 7:30 am

Exactly Op!
This is what I am talking about.
While there can be an exception to the rule typically people who would do this indeed do these kinds of things act this way in general.
its not like "oh I cant believe this person would ever do such a thing".
Totally agree with your therapist.

amother

Carnation

Thu, Dec 01 2022, 7:46 am

I have a sil who also does things similar it’s so so hard especially since I used to be close with my brother and every time she walks in when we are on the phone she makes him hang up, she is beyond dysfunctional in many ways and my brother chooses not to see , and I would never tell him anything bec don’t want to cause shalom bayis issues but so so hard:(

amother

Papayawhip

Thu, Dec 01 2022, 12:08 pm

amother OP wrote:

You hit the nail on the head.

They’ve done a lot of mildly/ very obnoxious things. Anytime I brought anything up, they’re full of defenses.

I just spoke to my therapist. She told me that I have to stop being surprised by them. They’re rude and self-centered, and she pointed out that I’m constant surprised by their next-level cluelessness.

I’m sad to acknowledge that that’s the truth. They’re not caring people. I don’t mean anything to them. They only think of me in terms of how I can service them. (I’m not going to write out all the other stories of things they’ve done). I’m so sad that this is how my brother ended up, and this is the wife he chose, someone who constantly displays her own selfishness almost every time we interact.

OP, I also have a SIL who is obnoxious. My brother, who is an easygoing sweetheart, was a little older when he married her. She is arrogant and puts us down every time we are with her (which BH is not often as they live abroad.) Like every little thing. The last time she visited us, she told me that her family knows the proper way to make scrambled eggs. The implication being, that we don't. It borders on the ridiculous.

(she gave me a whole speech about how we don't host them properly and roll out the red carpet enough. When we visit their country, she does absolutely nothing for us - we take care of ourselves, make our own arrangements for everything - so I'm not sure what her point was.)

What I've realized, though, is that difficult as she is, my brother is happier with her than without her. He has a home, a family, etc....so I'm happy for him for that, even if she drives us nuts and is so difficult. He is actually happy with her (I think).

ShishKabob

Thu, Dec 01 2022, 12:29 pm

OP, we all have these ppl in our lives that have that ability to make our jaws drop. Each time with a new thing.
The thing is that these people are NOT normal. They appear normal for all intents and purposes, but they really do not function like regular people. That's why it's difficult for us to wrap our heads around it.
Thank Hashem, that you are functioning properly, you know the norms, you have good middos and may Hashem repay your kindness tenfold. May you always have nachas from your children and always be on the giving end. Hugs!

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