How do people do it? (Buying house in NJ)

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Forum -> Inquiries & Offers -> Lakewood, Toms River & Jackson related Inquiries

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amother

Amaranthus

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 6:55 pm

amother Daphne wrote:

This comes up really often.

My husband and I and many friends bought houses without any family help. In fact, from the day we graduated high school we both were on our own for every penny.

We bought a few years ago when houses were cheaper. Put in about 50k of work into our house. Bh we were able to afford it then. Now, we also would have been able to but it definitely would have been a bigger deal now.

No family money, no previous house sale, just real hard work on both our ends and siyata dishmaya. It’s really all it boils down to.

In life there are always the haves and have nots regardless of what either side does. Bottom line is that there’s a god who decides what everyone’s finances will look like.
I always say that because neither of us have parental support (not physical, or emotional) we rely on our father in heaven and bh he has never let us down.

Not trying to provide disillusionment, but I'm asking cause I struggle with this. What should people say who've tried as you have, but haven't made it. Did Hashem not provide for them?

Furthermore, where did you get the money to buy the house plus the $50k to start off with? If both of you were working for a few years without having too many responsibilities, that would explain it. But OP is questioning, how young couples where there is only one income, didn't come into marriage with much savings, and had kids immediately, are able to buy such expensive homes and do very costly renovations?

amother

Daphne

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 7:46 pm

amother Amaranthus wrote:

1- Not trying to provide disillusionment, but I'm asking cause I struggle with this. What should people say who've tried as you have, but haven't made it. Did Hashem not provide for them?

2-Furthermore, where did you get the money to buy the house plus the $50k to start off with? If both of you were working for a few years without having too many responsibilities, that would explain it. But OP is questioning, how young couples where there is only one income, didn't come into marriage with much savings, and had kids immediately, are able to buy such expensive homes and do very costly renovations?

1- Of course hashem provided for them! Maybe not as much as they wanted. But in my situation I have no choice but to rely only on him. I have no family members. And the ones I do have just want to get money for me..

2- where did we get the money from? I’m a realist. I knew my financial limitations and went against the trend of marrying a learning boy and married a working Ben Torah. So we both worked very hard and saved money. We both bh had really good jobs. We came into our marriage with only 10k. We saved and saved. And that’s how we were able to do it. We bought our house after 3 years of marriage. Again my house wasn’t crazy expensive to begin with. $400k. But now only a few years later it’s worth almost double (another way hashem provided)

amother

Amaranthus

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 7:53 pm

amother Daphne wrote:

1. Likewise. But I guess you've been blessed in that Hashem has provided you enough to start you off properly in life.

2. Then your situation doesn't really answer OP. If people would follow your trend and marrying working ben Torahs, then OP wouldn't have needed to pose her question. The answer would have been self-explanatory. The question is how people who don't prepare financially before marriage, don't have savings, and only have one income are able to afford expensive homes and costly renovations merely a few years after they're married.

In those situations, the answer almost always is the parents, one way or another.

amother

Daphne

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 8:02 pm

amother Amaranthus wrote:

Back to our numbers 😀

1- I agree I’m blessed in this aspect but I promise you that most people would never trade this blessing for my challenges as well.
I have everything else against me
Im just focusing on my blessings.

2- I didn’t realize OP was asking only about learning couples.

amother

Amaranthus

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 8:10 pm

amother Daphne wrote:

1 - Agree. Although not being financially sounds does not preclude one from having significant challenges as well. Unfortunately, I have a supersized load of them too.

2 - She was inquiring specifically about couples who have just left kollel and/or where there's only one income in the household.

amother

Kiwi

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 8:25 pm

amother Daphne wrote:

You are the antithesis of what is conjured up when people say hashem will provide. LOL

You and your husband were quite realistic in terms of needing to be able to actually *earn" a certain income in order to have any kind of "middle class" life style.

Often when I read those kinds of posts, it is somewhat like the person did nothing and passively money just happened to appear because they needed it that month - completely unrelated to working at a job and I assume getting qualifications so that one could earn more than minimum wage.

I don't think anyone would question why your family owned a home.

I think OP was referring to people where it is obvious that they don't have an income to be able to afford their home. And really this question seems to come up often - in general it is because they have wealthy parents or in some way inherited wealth.

amother

DarkGray

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 8:36 pm

I was just sitting at the park one day eavesdropping on the conversation next to me where a young kollel wife was talking about the house they just bid on for 750k. Her husband is still in kollel and she sells baked good from her house. There is obviously family money there - not a question

amother

Bone

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 8:42 pm

My parents give each kid $100 k for a down payment and before you start worrying about the next generation, everyone is doing very well for themselves post kollel.

ROFL

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 10:05 pm

amother Alyssum wrote:

We were one of those buyers. Two little kids, husband left kollel a year earlier.

We have a relative who paid cash for our home, and we give him monthly payments (interest free BH!).

We do pay our own taxes, and covered all the expenses (inspection, title agency etc). But we are so grateful! We would have never been able to buy otherwise.

Thank you for being honest about that !

amother

Brown

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 10:06 pm

amother OP wrote:

We recently bought a house in an area in the outskirts of lakewood, which happens to have pretty expensive homes. We weren't seeking out this area per say but we were in the parsha of upgrading from our starter home and we found a house we loved that made sense for our kids. We were able to do it ONLY because we came from another area where housing went up like crazy, so we made alot of money on the sale of our first house, and were able to use it on a down payment on this house, which we BH are very happy in for so many reasons. Even so, my husband and I both work like dogs, full time, and built up our careers for over 20 years. We're pretty frugal (relatively), and think before we spend, which is how we were able to make a purchase like this after many years of being careful and responsible.
My question is, there are so many young families in this area, VERY young, like mid 20s. 2 or 3 small kids if that, many of the husbands just coming out of kollel recently, and most woman arent working. These are their first homes, so they aren't cashing out on a previous home. These woman are often doing huge projects to their homes such as new kitchens, bathrooms, basements, some putting in pools, and full paint jobs, tons of cleaning help and babysitting, etc
I'm wondering where I am going wrong, that I spent years building up savings and making responsible decisions, when it seems to come so easily to so many others. If you are one of these young families, please explain, because I would love to quit my job, and still sustain my current lifestyle- Tell me where I am going wrong, please!

Looking at other people is such a machalah. It’s not worth it.

When I was growing up in the Five Towns a 2800 square-foot home was considered well to do and quite comfortable. I live in a 3000 square-foot home in Lakewood with really basic floors counters and appliances that aren’t updated unless something breaks and my kids are happy. I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

An acquaintance just made a 250k wedding in an exclusive venue a drive from Lakewood. One of the top Jewish superstars sang by a sheva brachos. The chosson and kallah will likely have their own McMansion before they have their first baby.

Sound like a dream. Not. There was a messy divorce (and more proceeding it) and each spouse remarried. They are still at each other’s throats as if they divorced yesterday. Who enjoyed the gala wedding? Not them. They were each eating their hearts out over every family photo, kibbud, and dance, and let everyone know it.

The entire engagement and wedding was acrimonious and stressful. The sheva brachos speeches were full of innuendo each aimed at the others side.

Every gesture or action from either spouse triggers the other and the kallah and her siblings are emotional wrecks.

I’m sure some who attended the wedding or see the young couples gorgeous house will be asking why they aren’t so blessed but little do they know.

Everyone is put on this earth to be tested. Everyone. Look at your own situation and be very grateful.

amother

Ginger

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 10:12 pm

Who says they’re doing it?
There are many people who live far beyond their means and become house poor when they buy a home.
I think the best philosophy is to do what you can afford and make it work as you work your way up!

Buying a starter home and selling it to buy an upgraded home is the most sensible way of doing things.
Not everyone has that foresight, ability or self control to stay within their means.
Be thankful you and hubby are not like that.
It’s a gift you are hopefully passing onto your family.

amother

Daffodil

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 10:32 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

House prices have doubled in the past two years. I would love to live within my means but that would mean living nowhere. Instead I'm looking for a small house (that will have a huge mortgage in today's world) and hoping for the best.

cupcake123

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 10:34 pm

amother Brown wrote:

Even had this couple lived happily ever after we should fagin them and not be jealous right. There will always be people richer and poorer then us.

amother

DarkRed

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 10:49 pm

On the topic of monclear and mackage how in the world is everyone wearing it? It's 1.5k!

amother

Brown

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 10:50 pm

cupcake123 wrote:

Even had this couple lived happily ever after we should fagin them and not be jealous right. There will always be people richer and poorer then us.

Absolutely. It’s just easier to see it sometimes. No one’s life has anything to do with yours. Anyone who compares and contrasts is asking for dissatisfaction in life.

cupcake123

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 10:52 pm

amother Brown wrote:

Absolutely. It’s just easier to see it sometimes. No one’s life has anything to do with yours. Anyone who compares and contrasts is asking for dissatisfaction in life.

Agreed!

amother

Floralwhite

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 11:14 pm

amother Bone wrote:

My parents give each kid $100 k for a down payment and before you start worrying about the next generation, everyone is doing very well for themselves post kollel.

What do your parents do that they can afford to gift this much?
Will you be able to do the same for your children?

amother

Bone

Sun, Dec 04 2022, 11:17 pm

amother Floralwhite wrote:

What do your parents do that they can afford to gift this much?
Will you be able to do the same for your children?

Business owner and sahm.

I would love to. My oldest is 13 so we will see.

amother

NeonPurple

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 12:40 am

amother Lightyellow wrote:

A lot of the young people are going into hard money loans. You make a bomb but it’s very dirty business and would NOT recommend.

What is hard money loans? Please explain.

amother

Brown

Mon, Dec 05 2022, 2:46 am

amother OP wrote:

amother Floralwhite wrote:

What do your parents do that they can afford to gift this much?
Will you be able to do the same for your children?

I feel like the whole tone of these sort of threads, “what am I doing wrong?” How are they all living it up? etc. are really unhealthy discussions and can only lead to resentment and feelings of inadequacy at one’s situation, spouse, parents etc. I wish they would not keep recurring on imamother.

Does it help anyone to hear “I’m a SAHM with a 10 bedroom 7000 sq ft home and my parents bought it with pocket change. My husband does hard money lending with his dads spare cash, and fips homes in his spare time and we don’t even know what to do with all of the income BH BH! We have two guest suites, and my cleaning lady and driver each have their own wing with a walk in closet. It’s such a Bracha.”?

No, it helps NO ONE. We feel resentment toward our spouse for not flipping homes and doing hard money lending so we are stuck in a 2800 sq ft attached townhouse. We feel resentment at our parents for not giving us, or not being successful enough to give us a credit card to swipe and a down payment for a mansion. We feel resentment toward Hashem for our life situation. We look with the opposite of an ayin tova at our neighbors and imagine them as spoiled rich kids or engaged in nefarious businesses or irresponsible debt to support their lifestyle.

Most of all we miss out focusing on all of the tremendous Bracha we have in our own lives because we are so busy focusing on everyone else.

The most simple of us lives better than the richest kings of just a few hundred years ago. They wore heavy robes because the heat in the castle wasn’t as adequate as our homes. It took them days in uncomfortable coaches and bone jarring roads to get to places that take us an hour in the comfort of our car. Need I mention refrigeration. A/C, and indoor plumbing?

Most people alternated between subsistence and starvation. It wasn’t expected that their children would survive to adulthood. The average child didn’t have the luxury of schooling and most adults we’re illiterate, and didn’t have time to read a magazine anyway. They worked to the bone from dawn to last light.

OP, you said it best yourself:

“we made alot of money on the sale of our first house, and were able to use it on a down payment on this house, which we BH are very happy in for so many reasons”

FULL STOP.

We have so much Bracha in our lives. Craning our necks to look at everyone else is just not letting us see it. Let us stop with “what is everyone elses secret that I am not in on” threads and enjoy that which Hashem has given each of us.

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