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Forum
-> Parenting our children
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amother
OP
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 Tue, Dec 06 2022, 5:27 pm
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Any and all advice and tips welcome. TIA!
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amother
Lightcyan
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 5:28 pm
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Ooooh the million dollar question.
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amother
Blushpink
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 6:23 pm
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From what I've learned, it starts with being present for yourself
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wantavaca
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 6:32 pm
make them their favorite foods. sit and eat with them and listen with focus and eye contact.
notice where they already are awesome and comment on that.
warm physical touch of any sort
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shprintz1
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 7:34 pm
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No devices. Everything else comes naturally without distractions. Cook and clean before or after spending time with them
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amother
Ultramarine
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 7:42 pm
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Being conscious about being with them - they'll naturally feel the love, warmth that's all kids need - warm home, cozy, hot food, clean clothes, tidy as much as possible well loved and yes toys around is ok I've come to learn I can't keep it spotless the kids need to play and have their toys their way, but really love and spending time you're fully present not distracted or on ur phone ❤️
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effess
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 7:44 pm
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Really listen when they talk
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amother
Winterberry
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 8:05 pm
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I put my phone out of reach. And try to make eye contact every so often while they talk.
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amother
Bergamot
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 8:30 pm
When they talk to you, stop what you are doing and make eye contact. The whole time.
Look for clues when your child might need some emotional support from you. If a kid is showing any kind of emotion on their face or in their behavior, ask them what's going on. Shows that you are attuned to their inner world.
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amother
Foxglove
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 8:32 pm
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I love all of these ideas but practically how do I do it when there is dinner to be made, laundry to be done, appointments to be made? I would love to say I'll do it all when they're asleep but it's not enough time that short window from their bedtime
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ShishKabob
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 8:35 pm
| amother Foxglove wrote: | | I love all of these ideas but practically how do I do it when there is dinner to be made, laundry to be done, appointments to be made? I would love to say I'll do it all when they're asleep but it's not enough time that short window from their bedtime | Even while you do laundry you can be present for them. They come to the place where you are and while you are sorting you can shmooze with them and make eye contact and really concentrate on the conversation. Ditto for when you make dinner.
Also, no judgement, just listen and try to really feel what they are feeling.
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amother
Foxglove
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 8:36 pm
| ShishKabob wrote: | Even while you do laundry you can be present for them. They come to the place where you are and while you are sorting you can shmooze with them and make eye contact and really concentrate on the conversation. Ditto for when you make dinner.
Also, no judgement, just listen and try to really feel what they are feeling. |
It really counts as truly listening though if I'm also in middle of cooking? I guess it can
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ShishKabob
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 8:38 pm
| amother Foxglove wrote: | | It really counts as truly listening though if I'm also in middle of cooking? I guess it can | Totally, if your main focus is on the child and not the other gazillion things going through your brain.
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amother
Arcticblue
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 8:39 pm
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Tuning in. Reading between the lines. Meeting their unique needs. Connecting the dots to figure out what makes them tick. Holding space for ALL their feelings. Not judging.
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ShishKabob
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 8:46 pm
| amother Foxglove wrote: | So how do I stop being distracted by all the billion other things in my brain??? | Hugs, we are all in the same boat in some way or the other. Basically, tell your brain that it's time out now. When you kids come home, you focus ONLY on them, not on the finances, not on your sholom bayis, not on the messy house, you focus totally on them. They will automatically feel it and then you will find that they won't need that much from you because your are consciously totally giving your whole self to them.
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amother
Orange
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 9:29 pm
When you are around your child(ren), take a millisecond to tune in to that child. Meaning, taking note of his specific personality and any events or things happening in his life at the moment, use the opportunity to connect. Ask detailed questions about school, tests, friends, challenges, updates from prior conversations. Listen more than talk. Wait before responding to see if he feels like sharing anything else. Find openings in the conversation to validate his emotions or experiences, give a compliment, or describe his character traits. Smile and insert humor to lighten up the conversation. Put yourself aside because you are not the main character here.
Eye contact, putting your phone away- all good. But if you aren't tuned in, you'll be on a different wavelength, and the conversation will sound like the wires are crossed. Recognizing the individuality of the child in front of you and putting yourself and your ego and judgments aside, will smooth out any awkwardness and misunderstandings.
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BH Yom Yom
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 10:08 pm
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These tips are gold. Keep them coming!
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amother
Daisy
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Tue, Dec 06 2022, 10:38 pm
I struggle with this a lot.
One thing I’d say is, while around your children, don’t judge yourself in how you’re parenting. Don’t think. The more we think about “I’m not present”, the more we aren’t. The less we think, the more we can be.
I know, I know. I wish I had a brain switch.
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