Do you let your kids win?

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 8:57 am

My 5 yo has taking a liking to board games recently.

However, he hates it when we beat him.

I usually try to play a good game but then let him win at the end.

My DH and MIL, on the other hand, never let him win. He cries and cries and gets very upset.

When we play a board game with siblings, he also gets upset when a sibling wins.

I don't know how to handle this... I remember being a "sore loser" when I was a child, so I get his feelings. I totally understand. Also, he's five. I can let him win, right?

But then, how will he learn?

Advice is appreciated. TIA.

amother

Natural

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 8:59 am

I don't. This way when they win, they know they actually earned it. I sometimes might not put my all into a game (if I'm distracted), but I won't purposely lose. I don't see how it teaches my child anything to do that, other than feeding the beast.

If you're afraid of his reaction, you need to teach him how to deal better with losing rather than avoiding the situation. Giving a kid tools and minset changes is more helpful.

The other solution is to play non-competitive games.

amother

DarkGreen

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 9:00 am

No, I like to play the games fairly. I don't let my kids win. I will help them play, but not outright win

amother

Teal

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 9:04 am

Yes I absolutely let them win (ages 6 and under). It makes them feel like a million bucks. They are not yet smart enough to win against adults so how is that fair? I don't let them win every game, only some.

BrisketBoss

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 9:09 am

Yes I would, or stick to non competitive games. This is very normal for the age, and there's no reason they 'need' to experience losing.

Kids will give you cues--you'll know when they want you to go easy, and when they want more of a challenge.

amother

Natural

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 9:10 am

amother Teal wrote:

My 4 y.o. has won me in memory. My 6 y.o. has won me countless times in cover your assets. My 8 y.o. has won me in monopoly deal and chess. I don't view my children as "not smart enough" I guess. Maybe because of my expectations of them, and treating them as equals (in this regard), they actually play better Smile

amother

Aquamarine

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 9:11 am

When I play with children I let them win sometimes, maybe more times than me, but I don't let them win every time.

amother

Dandelion

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 9:13 am

Haha of course I let them win
They are little
They’ll learn with peers and as they get older
I mean really it’s hardly an even playing field my goodness
It’s just for fun

behappy2

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 9:20 am

I ask them before "do you want to play fair or do you want me to let you win" and they will tell me. Over time more and more they will ask me to play fair. Just like Brisketboss says, they will let you know. Kids don't want to win all the time and as they get older they don't feel good about it.

I would have a conversation with the adults and see if they can do the same.

When it comes to older siblings it's all fair game because even though they are older they are also kids. You can tell the older kids that if they want the younger sibling to play with them then they need to let them win some.

amother

Snowdrop

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 9:21 am

I let my kids win. Occasionally I’ll ‘win’ so they realize that u don’t always have to win. I do emphasize that we are playing to have a good time the purpose of the game is not to win.

amother

Lemonchiffon

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 9:25 am

Many times I let them win

amother

Eggplant

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 9:29 am

I’ll dumb down my own moves to closer to their level but I won’t outright let them win.

It’s not fun for me either if I’m always winning

amother

Snowflake

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 9:41 am

I'll let them get more points or play with easier rules.
Under a certain age gets 400 when they pass go instead of 200.
When we play Trouble, he can start to play a piece when he rolls 6 or 1, while I can only start a piece with 1.
Child under 12 gets double points in scrabble.

I'll still win about half the time, but this method keeps things fairer while still allowing me to enjoy the game. It's more fun for everyone when the parent isn't pretending to lose each time.

BrisketBoss

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 10:00 am

amother Snowflake wrote:

Yes, handicaps are great.

Groups of mixed age children often come up with them organically.

gootlfriends

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 10:04 am

How do you let someone win? Playing poorly? Kids need to learn its ok to lose. It's not a big deal. Games are about bonding.

BrisketBoss

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 10:07 am

gootlfriends wrote:

How do you let someone win? Playing poorly? Kids need to learn its ok to lose. It's not a big deal. Games are about bonding.

The last sentence is exactly why we let them win when that's what they want. As they grow older their desires will naturally change. It's about the connection, and connecting with children on their own terms does not cripple them. It does the opposite.

Rubber Ducky

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 10:13 am

No, I will not let them win although I will give advice. And my 4-year-old grandson makes ups rules that favor him during the game — which is very normal behavior for his age — and I go along with it if we are the only 2 players.

My husband let the kids (and now grandkids) win. But they figure out he's doing it by age 6 or so.

seeker

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 10:38 am

If it's a game of chance (e.g. candyland) no. If it's a game of skill/knowledge where it is really not a fair competition at all, depending on the game I will dumb it down a little so the kid can enjoy playing the game even if they don't have a fair partner to play with. Some games you can just do a handicap - like if I play boggle against my kids they can do 3 letter words but I start at 4. That's for speed and knowledge. Strategy I'm more likely to just encourage and tell them that they'll get better by having me play well.

amother

Jade

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 10:42 am

behappy2 wrote:

My mother did the same with one sibling like this. Before starting a game she would say, "is this the kind of game where you need to win, out the kind where anyone can win." If the cold said they need to win, then the other siblings were free to opt out of the game. But my mother always played. Sometimes she would do exaggerated silly "cheats" do the sibling would win. "oh, out looks like someone else is ahead of you, that can't happen, let's just jump you ahead " this helpless the child realize how little fun it was and also showed how the behavior was viewed by others. The sibling learned pretty quickly.

lucky14

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 11:44 am

No but I will sometimes modify games so there is more of an even playing ground. Like for spot it with a younger child I will count to 5 or so (in my head) until saying I found the match.

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