S/o a school's perspective

amother

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 12:44 pm

Disclaimer: This is not about the recent unsettling story and please don't turn it into that. The responses on those threads just made me realize how little people realize about what goes on behind the scenes and how quick they are to rush to judgement.

I am a high school principal (please do not ask for any details about where or which type of high school. It doesn't matter anyway because I've heard similar tales from across the spectrum).

Allow me to describe a scenario which is all too common. A girl from a troubled background with unfortunately emotional and psychological issues as a result does not get into a high school. Well meaning askanim use all their connections to pressure the school to take her in. The school is made aware of specific issues which can be detrimental to both the student herself and her peers. They meet with many specialists to try to set up a plan of how they can safely integrate her into school. They set up meetings with the parents to agree on those terms. Everyone officially agrees and they are set.

The school year begins. All carefully set plans begin to unravel. Girl skips therapy. Doesn't take her medication. Shows signs in and out of class of being unhealthy and unsafe. Some other girls get involved in an unhealthy way as well.

School gets in touch with therapist (whose hands are tied), parents (who are unfortunately not so functional and don't get very far), and the askanim who pushed so hard and promised the world when trying to get her in (but can't really do much now)

At this point the school is really stuck. They have an unhealthy and unsafe dynamic in their school without much recourse.

There are unfortunately so many ways this can play itself out, none of which are good for anyone. (All of which have actually happened)

Parents of other girls become aware of what is going on and rightfully put pressure on the school that they are afraid of their daughters being around this situation.

Girl affects other girls and now school is dealing with an unsafe situation on a much larger scale.

School tries to find another place for this girl but no one wants to take her in.

School tries to set up an ultimatum that unless the girl sees her therapist and takes her medication she can't come back to school. School is then accused of throwing the girl out.

The worst actually happens and the girl does what the school was afraid of in the first place (tries to harm herself, others, ends up deathly ill from an eating disorder etc)

In all of these cases people are wagging their tongues and shaking their heads at the terrible school whose fault all of this is. And the schools need to stay silent and can't share the inside story.

I am the last person who sticks up for schools. I took the job that I do, so that in my own small way I can make some positive changes.

But at the same time, as sure as I was that I can fix the terrible "system " my eyes have been opened to so much that goes on behind the scenes and I think it's beneficial for others to see that as well.

amother

Zinnia

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 1:04 pm

amother OP wrote:

Disclaimer: This is not about the recent unsettling story and please don't turn it into that. The responses on those threads just made me realize how little people realize about what goes on behind the scenes and how quick they are to rush to judgement.

I am a high school principal (please do not ask for any details about where or which type of high school. It doesn't matter anyway because I've heard similar tales from across the spectrum).

Allow me to describe a scenario which is all too common. A girl from a troubled background with unfortunately emotional and psychological issues as a result does not get into a high school. Well meaning askance use all their connections to pressure the school to take her in. The school is made aware of specific issues which can be detrimental to both the student herself and her peers. They meet with many specialists to try to set up a plan of how they can safely integrate her into school. They set up meetings with the parents to agree on those terms. Everyone officially agrees and they are set.

The school year begins. All carefully set plans begin to unravel. Girl skips therapy. Doesn't take her medication. Shows signs in and out of class of being unhealthy and unsafe. Some other girls get involved in an unhealthy way as well.

School gets in touch with therapist (whose hands are tied), parents (who are unfortunately not so functional and don't get very far), and the askanim who pushed so hard and promised the world when trying to get her in (but can't really do much now)

At this point the school is really stuck. They have an unhealthy and unsafe dynamic in their school without much recourse.

There are unfortunately so many ways this can play itself out, none of which are good for anyone. (All of which have actually happened)

Parents of other girls become aware of what is going on and rightfully put pressure on the school that they are afraid of their daughters being around this situation.

Girl affects other girls and now school is dealing with an unsafe situation on a much larger scale.

School tries to find another place for this girls but no one wants to take her in.

School tries to set up an ultimatum that unless tge Girl sees her therapist and takes her medication she can't come back to school. School is then accused of throwing the girl out.

The worst actually happens and the girl does what the school was afraid of in the first place (tries to harm herself, others, ends up deathly I'll from an eating disorder etc)

In all of these cases people are wagging their tongues and shaking their heads at the terrible school whose fault all of this is. And the schools need to stat silent and can't share the inside story.

I am the last person who sticks up for schools. I took the job that I do so that in my own small way I can make some positive changes.

But at the same time, as sure as I was that I can fix the terrible "system " my eyes have been opened at so much that goes on behind the scenes and I think it's beneficial for others to see that as well.

Bravo! From a fellow school principal (whom this has happened to on a similar scale)- one student who is troubled and does not have the follow up and perhaps right arena to function in can cause such heartache to self and others.....

amother

Daylily

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 1:15 pm

OP, thank you for sharing your perspective. As the parent of the bullied, I think the best you can do is protect the other children to the best of your ability, and explain the situation to those parents so that they aren’t resentful.

My son was the victim of bullying at the hands of a child from a troubled home. From day one the principal communicated that he is doing everything he can, but the situation is complicated. He also showed that he will protect my son - he has suspended the bully when necessary. I don’t know everything he’s doing to work with the bully, and honestly, I don’t care. All I care is that my son knows that there is zero tolerance, and that he is not helpless.

At this point my son is older and understands that the bully is a victim himself, but he has only reached this point because the principal has dealt with this so effectively over the years.

I would strongly encourage principals to follow his lead. In situations where bullying comes from a dysfunctional situation, at least save the victims.

amother

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 1:20 pm

amother Zinnia wrote:

In general I find that many principals nowadays are well meaning but not so equipped to deal with many of these situations. But if we are reluctant to take in such students because we aren't equipped, we are pushed into accepting them. And then when we don't deal with it correctly (even if we knew we wouldn't be able to) we have to deal with the fallout. It's a very difficult situation.

amother

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 1:21 pm

amother Daylily wrote:

Thanks for this perspective. I'm sorry for what your son went through and I'm glad your son felt supported.

imorethanamother

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 1:39 pm

I totally understand everything you're saying. And I hear the dilemma.

But.

Girls hurting other girls are beyond rare. Girls hurting themselves is far more likely. And if you truly care about the girl herself, then why is it the solution never to accept the girl into any school?

To give a poor analogy, let's bring it into the family. Yes, one child in a family can upset the balance of the whole. It's not ideal, it causes stress and reduces attention for the other kids. Yes, wouldn't it be better if the whole family were healthy and strong and perfect? Of course! But that's not what life is about, and I'm convinced that the surge in mental illness, autism, learning disabilities, and other issues amongst us is to bring home how defenseless these children are.

You can be all NIMBY until it happens to you. And then you need support.

We are a family. For better or worse. We have children in our large, BH family that aren't perfect. And we all have to learn how to live with it, how to cope with it, how to manage it, and how to navigate it. Is it messy and imperfect? Yes. But we're family.

amother

Bergamot

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 1:40 pm

Thank you for sharing the perspective of the principal.

My daughter was also bullied by a child from a troubled home (elementary school). The school really tried, they brought in professionals, they moved the child to a parallel class (to give her a 2nd chance and to remove her from her "henchmen") but I heard that ultimately the girl dropped off the frum scene when she reached high school. I feel bad for her.

For myself, as a parent it was really tough. I sent my daughter to therapy (which cost us a mint) to help rebuild her self-esteem. It hurts that this happened to her. But we moved on.

I also want to mention that not everyone from a dysfunctional home is a bully or a problem. I myself grew up in a very difficult home and I'm grateful to the high school that accepted me. I think they were ultimately happy with their decision. I tried really hard, I did really well BH (academics wasn't an issue for me) and high school (and going away to seminary, and experiencing what normal feels like) really built me. When I meet high school teachers today, the feelings are very warm.

mha3484

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 1:49 pm

imorethanamother wrote:

I think there is a concept with teenage girls of social contagion. You see it a lot in secular society with whole friend groups of teen girls becoming transgender. There is a fascinating book by Abigail Shrier on this. Girls who are acting in ways that are self destructive don't always stay with the one girl. But I agree with you that you cant keep a girl out of school and we have to have more resources to help. I just think its more complex then my friend hurts herself but it doesn't effect me at all.

naturalmom5

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 1:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

Lets say hypothetically , this is 1% true what the * does it have to with anything
I think this is gaslighting at best and sheer evil at worst

I get it . The school is wonderful and its all the fault of these terrible parents

amother

Steel

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 2:23 pm

There's this prevalent attitude that the schools need to accept every child and be the best place for them when the reality is that many schools simply aren't able to provide every child with what they need. Forcing a school to accept a child that they don't have the resources to educate adequately is a lose lose situation.

For the poster above who said OOT schools don't kick anyone out, while that is often true, they also just don't provide for each child's needs if they're not equipped for it. I grew up out of town, one school for our community so we all went there, and it was a terrible fit for my brother. They didn't kick him out because the alternative was public school but he didn't get what he needed and it was a huge issue.

imorethanamother

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 2:27 pm

amother Steel wrote:

So you're saying that it would have been roses and sunshine if your brother had gone to public school?

My son currently is in public school because the Jewish schools can't provide for him. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. Or maybe I would, because my worst enemy are the teachers unions and I want their children to suffer like mine is so that they can be motivated to finally change the system.

Sometimes there isn't a perfect solution for a child, and we all manage the best we can in the environment we have. We make the choice that is the best of the worst, and that's all we can do.

imorethanamother

Fri, Dec 09 2022, 2:30 pm

mha3484 wrote:

I get it. I do. It's not easy. I am not a therapist and I don't know what I would do in this situation.

And my original post used the word "hurting" literally. It's possible also that a girl can be a bully and eviscerate another girl's self-esteem. I didn't express that in my post, and that's my mistake. If someone is an active threat to someone else, daas Torah should be consulted. It's a shame that we don't have R' Aharon Leib Shteinman with us anymore, I think he really understood better than anyone what the ramifications were on all sides. Too many of us have our egos in the way, myself included.