ADHD and chores | Imamother

Mon, Dec 12 2022, 12:54 pm

Hi all! I have a 10 yr old girl who is borderline ADHD. We tested her and they say she isn't officially ADHD because she does ok at school, but we are really struggling at home with keeping her room (somewhat) clean, getting her stuff done, etc. Lots of procrastination and a major deal if ask her to do chores around the house, unless it's something very easy that she has done many times in the past. With my other kids, I would do a chart with a prize, or consequences, but I am not sure what is reasonable for her. Can you tell me how to work this? Thanks!

bigsis144

Tue, Dec 13 2022, 9:32 am

My 10 year old ADHD son will cry for 2 hours over having to do 5-10 minutes of chores.

I cleaned his room while he was at school (couldn’t walk across the floor without stepping on dirty clothes, legos and garbage, all mixed together) and he was so upset he cried and refused to go to sleep and dumped his legos all over the floor again.

I don’t know how to balance
1) “his brain actually prefers it this way, he needs to see everything out in the open even if it looks visually chaotic and stressful to me”
2) “it really doesn’t matter if it’s good or bad for him; it’s his problem to either live with or choose to change; all I can do is close the door if it bothers me”
3) “even though he says he likes it this way, he will actually be calmer and happier once he gets used to cleanliness. I know better because I am the adult.”
4) “it’s important for him to learn organization/hygiene skills and to balance his needs with the needs of others. Let’s find a solution so that he can see his Lego but I can make it from the door to his closet without breaking anything.”

amother

Jetblack

Tue, Dec 13 2022, 1:15 pm

I have an 8 year old son with ADHD. Many things are very hard for him. I have found that charts and big prizes really motivate him. We have done lots of charts but always with a large present at the end that he really wants. The charts need to be very clear. He needs to understand when he can get a check on his chart and when not. If the rules are not super clear he will find loopholes. We havw done many month long charts and every time he does the thing he needs to do he is the one that makes the check. Another big motivator for him is money. He'll do almost anything for money.

amother

Currant

Tue, Dec 13 2022, 1:39 pm

for my 8 year old this is what we try to do.
consistency- she has the same job every shabbos. she knows it's coming, it's not a surprise to her. my daughter thrives on structure. this might play in to what you said about your child being willing to do something they've done many times in the past, they feel competent and it takes less executive skill planning

non negotiable- she needs to do it, crabbing won't change that and she knows it because she's tried previous weeks with no luck.

clarity- we typed up a list of exactly what was involved in setting the table so that she could go over the list and make sure she didn't forget anything.

some self sovereignty ( hope that's the right word) she knows that the table needs to be set for each meal. she can choose to wait to the last minute or she can choose to do it in advance and show her how that's often in her best interest, as long as it gets done by when it needs to get done it's fine so I don't nag her to set it for lunch, she tells me when she plans to set it, I might tell her when it's that time but that's it, she's the one who decided when she wanted to set it. I found this made a world of difference because it took out the power struggle.

self responsibility- I use to often bring her stuff at school that she forgot at home, I stopped, she needs to take ownership

first this then that- it's in her schedule that she needs to clean her room every day before she can do homework with her father (she's a conscientious student so it matters to her

try to keep it manageable- if her room isn't cleaned regularly, which it didn't used to be, it's too much for her and gets overwhelming. at this point she tries to keep very little in her room because she doesn't want to deal with cleaning it up but that took time Wink

but if she's overwhelmed I'll say ok put all your laundry in your basket, now pick up the dirty tissues

if she's getting distracted by her books I'll take them away until she's finished with what she's doing..

She has decided for herself to wake up early to get ready for school because it's distracting for her to get ready when her siblings do

and realize it's very very hard when someone has executive skill deficits Sad

speaking from experience
personally it's more important for me to figure out how to set myself and my daughter up for success then to think of what reward to give her/me at the end. as some parenting person said children who can will.

hope this helps!

amother

Bergamot

Tue, Dec 13 2022, 1:52 pm

LO wrote:

A bit of a side point, but maybe it will save you the difficulties we went through. Is your DD very bright? We were consistently told our DD did not have adhd because she was able to do school work and concentrate on reading & other educational things. Eventually we took her to someone who specializes in bright kids with behavior issues & he immediately diagnosed her with adhd. He explained that adhd presents differently in gifted children. Medication has been so helpful for her, I just wish we had gotten the diagnosis sooner. She is still suffering from all those years of difficulty.

And, to answer your question, very specific charts often work for her. They need to be clear, truly doable (don’t expect too much and leave room for bad days), and the incentive needs to be worthwhile (in her mind).

Hatzlacha!

amother

Linen

Tue, Dec 13 2022, 1:56 pm

amother Bergamot wrote:

Same. And were were told, especially in bright girls. Looks different.

We finally got the diagnosis, she's already in high school.

imasinger

Tue, Dec 13 2022, 2:14 pm

amother Currant wrote:

This is gold, every word.

amother

Currant

Tue, Dec 13 2022, 3:15 pm

amother Bergamot wrote:

my daughter's also bright (skipped grade) we aren't ready yet to try meds but I do think about it, would be curious to hear more of your experience, any side effects?

amother

Cinnamon

Tue, Dec 13 2022, 3:19 pm

amother Currant wrote:

While this is good, I don’t think it will work for someone with severe ADHD

amother

Bergamot

Tue, Dec 13 2022, 3:21 pm

amother Currant wrote:

my daughter's also bright (skipped grade) we aren't ready yet to try meds but I do think about it, would be curious to hear more of your experience, any side effects?

B”h we have not had side effects on her current regimen. The psychiatrist we used started slowly and kept tweaking until we felt it was working. She currently takes 3 meds and is doing great bli ayin hara. But it took us a long time to get here and she missed out on a lot of things because of it.

ora_43

Tue, Dec 13 2022, 4:07 pm

Predictability - give her chores she knows how to do well, and plenty of advance notice. Ideally, same chore same time of day.

(of course she'll need to learn how to do new chores, but give her extra time to learn and make regular chores the familiar ones)

If it's a big task, like cleaning her room, break it down for her. Eg work in small chunks of time, 10-15 minutes, and clear one space at a time. If necessary give clear instructions one at a time - take all the clothes and put them in a pile, ok, now see what's dirty and what's clean, ok, now dirty clothes go in the laundry and clean ones get folded...

Body doubling. That's the name of the technique, I didn't make it up Smile

. It means, you work while she works. She picks up the toys on her floor while you fold the clothes on her bed, or she loads the dishwasher while you wipe down the counters. IDK why it works but it does.

(body doubling can also be the incentive to clean, like, 'if you come clean your room for 10 minutes right now, I'll clean with you.' Basically double her return on effort.)

scruffy

Tue, Dec 13 2022, 4:08 pm

ora_43 wrote:

These are really good tips!