Why do grandparents give chanukah gifts only to the grandkid

CPenzias

Mon, Dec 19 2022, 9:34 pm

Op- I get it. I made the chanukah party yesterday for my husband's side of the family and my kids got nice gifts and my mil gave me a fancy bookmark. What a cr@ppy gift! At least put it with a book or gift card. A fancy bookmark was so random, I would have rather not had anything.
That said, I didn't buy them anything but felt that making the party was en if a gift as that cost too

amother

Marigold

Mon, Dec 19 2022, 10:09 pm

amother Burgundy wrote:

It sounds to me like OPs love language is gifts (or at least it's a strong one for her). To her, and anyone else like her, gifts are a way of showing love. Not receiving gifts, specifically when it's "gift season" seems to be telling OP "I don't love you". Sounds crazy to people who can't relate but it's real!

I need compliments and praise. I (and I could imagine a bunch of my siblings,) would be very hurt if my parents just complimented and praised the grandchildren, even though they are our own kids. You never stop needing a parents love (in whatever way you need to receive it).

And sometimes it’s great to grow up
No matter what your love language is
And then with maturity you won’t feel so slighted or hurt
Hopefully by now you know your parents love you and if not then there’s a problem with the relationship that can’t be solved with a gift
Also op is talking about in laws
Which leads to another question for further insight: op what do your parents give you at chanuka ? For how long have you been married?
Hugs and hatzlocho

amother

Poinsettia

Mon, Dec 19 2022, 10:22 pm

To me Chanukah gifts seem kind of childish, like they’re fun when you’re little but you outgrow them. Adult Chanukah is about spending time together and being grateful for the nissim of Chanukah/today.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 4:06 am

CPenzias wrote:

You seem to have expectations.
It's OK to be disappointed.
That said, it's quite another thing to publicly voice what a bad gift you got.

imorethanamother

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 10:20 am

CPenzias wrote:

But…did you make the Chanukah party with the intention that people would give you gifts? Like a mini wedding for yourself?

You probably didn’t. So you can choose to feel slighted or you can choose to see anything given as a bonus not deserved. For me, my joy is seeing my children get things.

amother

Cantaloupe

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 10:26 am

amother Aqua wrote:

I think because it’s just easier to buy gifts to kids.

For many finding the right gift for adults is daunting.

Gift cards or cash always work

(I don't think gifts are necessary, but if the reason is that it's daunting, a gift card or cash is always appreciated)

amother

Ecru

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 10:40 am

I totally understand op.She’s human. For a lot of us not getting a gift makes us feel like we are getting ignored. It is especially painful when we work hard for the party and get a thoughtful gift for mil. We like to be appreciated and acknowledged. A thank you doesn’t do that. put your money where your mouth is .

CPenzias

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 11:42 am

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

You seem to have expectations.
It's OK to be disappointed.
That said, it's quite another thing to publicly voice what a bad gift you got.

I have no expectations. I actually was surprised when she said she had a gift for me... so I was excited about it but then confused.
If they have expectations on me to TELL me to make the family party (not ASK) the least they can do is get me a normal gift or no gift.
The chanukah after I got the bariatric sleeve (like a week later) my mil gave me Godiva chocolate. It was thoughtless

CPenzias

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 11:45 am

imorethanamother wrote:

100% I did not have any expectations of receiving any gifts at all and I'm always happy to watch my kids get excited about their gifts. I'm saying I would have preferred no gift for myself (me and my husband actually... we're supposed to share the bookmark) rather than a thoughtless one

imorethanamother

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 11:47 am

CPenzias wrote:

So, you’re different than the OP. She feels slighted that her kids got gifts and she didn’t get.

I wonder if this is a pervasive issue that’s also been a problem, or if she’s forgetting to realize that her engagement ring and bracelet and whatever countless jewelry items kallahs get these days are very expensive gifts.

CPenzias

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 11:54 am

imorethanamother wrote:

I can't speak for the op but I can say that I got a gold bracelet and my engagement ring is a tiny diamond that my husband paid for. They don't have the financial means for expensive things. That said they raised a really amazing husband for me and I'm very grateful for that. They have done a lot for us over the years. The bookmark was just sad 😔. But they are really wonderful people and like I said, my husband is an amazing husband and father bh

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 12:30 pm

CPenzias wrote:

Guess the root of the issue are yours in laws, right?

amother

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 1:07 pm

Yes my love language is gifts. Yes I agree that it's not a jewish idea to give gifts on chanukah, but if you already are giving gifts I'm wondering out loud why one would think to give their grandchildren and not their children. That's all. I appreciate everyone's perspective and I'll try to think about it. I don't actually get much from my in-laws during the year either, though I realize it's an assumption most people make. And I am the one to always send a gift here and there, a birthday, an annoversary, just because. I very rarely receive gifts for any of those occasions, and when I do it's something thrown in that was clearly laying around the house)just because everyone else is getting something (on a visit for example).
So thank you all for taking the time to share your comments, and I'll try to appreciate what I have and what I don't need.