Why do grandparents give chanukah gifts only to the grandkid

amother

Bottlebrush

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 1:17 pm

my in laws give all their kids and grandkids gifts every year. married or not

Some of the gifts that were given to the marrieds- lucite candlesticks, diffuser, personalized pitcher, electric lighter for lighting shabbos candles

amother

Azure

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 3:17 pm

If grandparents give $18 / $50 to each grandkid, what should they give to their children?
I believe there are a few reasons why they give only grandchildren & not children:
A) Would you be ok with receiving $18/$50 ? If not how much would be a gift amount? If more than that, I'm sure it would add up to hefty sum.
B) I assume you/your husband work, so you earn your own money, so you can buy your own things, while your children do not, so this is a gift for them to buy what they want.
C) Grandparents dont want their $50 gift going straight to pay for their childrens bills.

Of course, I may be totally off, but this is what I have seen and my thoughts on it.

amother

Bottlebrush

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 3:18 pm

amother Azure wrote:

we get $100 from each of my grandparents and they are not rich

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 3:21 pm

amother OP wrote:

Yes my love language is gifts. Yes I agree that it's not a jewish idea to give gifts on chanukah, but if you already are giving gifts I'm wondering out loud why one would think to give their grandchildren and not their children. That's all. I appreciate everyone's perspective and I'll try to think about it. I don't actually get much from my in-laws during the year either, though I realize it's an assumption most people make. And I am the one to always send a gift here and there, a birthday, an annoversary, just because. I very rarely receive gifts for any of those occasions, and when I do it's something thrown in that was clearly laying around the house)just because everyone else is getting something (on a visit for example).
So thank you all for taking the time to share your comments, and I'll try to appreciate what I have and what I don't need.

Grandchildren is the profit for the grandparents as they say. It's more fun to gift for them (as they are younger and usually have less negative memories than their own children)
By the way OP some of us *never* get anything from in-laws. Mine for example aren't alive anymore.

amother

Royalblue

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 3:21 pm

amother Azure wrote:

My in-laws give $18 for anniversary and $15 for their children/inlaw birthday, $10 for kids birthdays and $5 per child for Chanuka.
Yes, I wish they would give me also and not just my children even just $5. Its the gesture that matters.
But it's just part of a bigger issue. So I understand that.

amother

Marigold

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 3:22 pm

Do people whose love language is getting gifts also enjoy giving gifts all the time to everyone?

Op what do your parents do? Were you raised to expect this custom and get gifts from your folks at chanukah etc? You and presumably Dh and all your sibs and their spouses? Do you give your parents and in laws gifts at chanukah?
Do you find yourself often jealous of your kids?

Really trying to understand the mindset in case we need to reevaluate

amother

Azure

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 3:23 pm

My parents live far away & always buy my kids gifts - whether thy fly in to see us, or just send via amazon. Sometimes they send us gifts /money too.
My FIL would often bring gifts (usually a fancy cake/food) when they would come & my MIL something for all the grandchildren. Now the family is so large KN"H that it is rare that MIL would ever buy anything as got too much & complicated for everyone of all ages. Sometimes would be a gift for each family - a kitchen gadget / appliance but now that there are so many married grandchildren, & gread grandchildren, that got too much too!

shabbatiscoming

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 3:23 pm

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Since when is chanukka gifting an obligation?

This, this, this. SO many times this. I dont understand when this became the norm. I remember growing up, my grandparents gave us each a little bit of chanukah gelt. That was it. There was no gift giving. It wasnt a thing.
Its so sad how x-mas has weaseled its way into our chag.

Rappel

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 3:27 pm

OP, if you're looking for more expressions of love, can you come up with an inexpensive way for people to send you things you like?

For example: start a rock collection in a display table, and ask your parents and grandparents to start sending you cool rocks they find in different places.

Similarly, you can do fridge magnets, shot glasses, penguin figurines... Something small, something that you like, and something that allows people in your life to give to you without needing to put a dollar figure on it.

You'll be opening yourself up to opportunities for love, without pressuring the people you love the most.

amother

Anemone

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 3:30 pm

OP,
I’m just curious, if I got you perfume that was not your taste, a sweater that was not a flattering style on you, a cookbook that was not of particular interest….
Would you still be excited to get a gift? Would you appreciate it and use it, abandon it in a closet, or be annoyed about it?
Would you return it if you could, and if it was not returnable-how would you feel?
Would it matter how much was spent? What if it was cheap but kind of great or expensive but useless?
How doo ok you feel if it is obligatory cash or a gift card?- those are useful but not thoughtful.

imorethanamother

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 3:37 pm

Since some posters on here already said that they got a gift only to be completely insulted by the inexpensive nature of the gift, we open a whole new can of worms. Parents have to give gifts to grandkids AND kids AND they have to have significant value for each age group. So giving an adult a $10 gift would be seen as bad.

I’m going to start gifting my children lumps of coal so that they get used to the idea when they become adults.

sm40112

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 4:01 pm

shabbatiscoming wrote:

That's exactly what I think about gift giving on chanuka. Chanuka Gelt is the thing really

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 5:31 pm

For those who still bemoan "I didn't get anything for chanukka" I have a tip:
Start pesach cleaning of your closets and drawers and storage room (if you have)
Or even better, remind yourself what it's like packing your house hold before moving.
It's incredible sobering Smile

CPenzias

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 7:06 pm

Bnei Berak 10 wrote:

Guess the root of the issue are yours in laws, right?

That's a safe assumption, yes. I'm annoyed that so much is put on me and expected and assumed that I'll do it.

LittleDucky

Tue, Dec 20 2022, 7:24 pm

Sorry but even if your love language is gifts it doesn't mean you need to get them all the time. Or someone giving someone else something but not you means you aren't loved.
It just means that to "fill your tank" you are best filled by gifts. You don't need gifts just because someone else got it.
When at your sister's birthday party did you feel unloved because you didn't get a gift that day? Unless you are twins you didn't get because it isn't your time to get. Same here. The grandkids got because it was their time to get. Not yours.

amother

Wed, Dec 21 2022, 1:48 am

To answer, I actually get much more enjoyment from giving gifts than I do from receiving. Which is probably why I am the one who gives gifts often, as I've mentioned previously. I don't have big expectations and I think if someone put in thought to buy my a gift, even from the dollar store, the idea is that they thought about me and what I appreciate.
I am not jealous of my children
and give many special things to my children and my spouse - most often things that don't cost much.
The bottom line is that I wonder why people don't feel the need to connect through a gift to their children once they give their grandchildren. If they gave a birthday present, I wouldn't ask on chanukah, if they gave on our anniversary I wouldn't ask about my birthday - I just wonder why there is no feeling of "I want to give something to you because I love you"
which is precisely how this fits into a love langauge

and no, I don't have a mother for those who are wondering. and yes she loved giving to others even though she didn't have a lot of money, at all.