Don't enjoy the parties with in laws

amother

Fri, Dec 23 2022, 1:50 am

The men have a great time. The sils - noone fargins each other. Does anyone else have this?

First there's the politic about the menu. By the time the party comes around, one is annoyed at another. The whole family gets involved. Finally, one sil sides with another. And funny thing is the sil that was on your bad side last year is good with you now.

That's how it goes every year. It's so petty.

DrMom

Fri, Dec 23 2022, 2:12 am

It's once a year. Make the best of it.

If the SILs aren't kind to one another, then you be the one to reach out to them.

Perhaps if there was some sort of structured activity just for the women, it would help you interact in a more fun way?

amother

Fri, Dec 23 2022, 2:48 am

DrMom wrote:

For years I tried being the nice one. I cooked what they wanted, agreed on all their choices. They always took advantage. My 3 snobby sils get away with everything, and everyone is afraid to disagree with them. I'm done being nice.

DrMom

Fri, Dec 23 2022, 2:59 am

amother OP wrote:

Don't worry about the actual food. Be the bigger person and cheerfully go along with the menu if a majority of the participants want a specific menu. Whatever. It's one meal.

BTW, are the people who make all the decisions just the 4 of you (3 snobby SILs + you)? Because it will be difficult to argue for something different if 3/4 of the people planning have another idea and vote as a bloc.

Putting the menu issue aside: What typically happens at the party itself? Do you have any meaningful input to that?

amother

Glitter

Fri, Dec 23 2022, 8:26 am

No one invites me to parties. My parents aren’t alive, my siblings live 2 hours away, and my my husband’s brothers celebrate with their wives families. I make my own fun, but I guess I’m not missing out by not being invited to Chanukah parties.

amother

Tealblue

Fri, Dec 23 2022, 8:48 am

Chanukah parties are awful in every family. Ppl are either honest about it or not. You smile you win. And spring for fancy iced coffee sfter

amother

Junglegreen

Fri, Dec 23 2022, 8:58 am

amother Tealblue wrote:

Chanukah parties are awful in every family. Ppl are either honest about it or not. You smile you win. And spring for fancy iced coffee sfter

No they're not. My family and my in laws have very nice and enjoyable Chanukah parties. For both of them food is not a big deal, each person decides what they want to bring and brings it.

amother

Mistyrose

Fri, Dec 23 2022, 8:58 am

amother Tealblue wrote:

Chanukah parties are awful in every family. Ppl are either honest about it or not. You smile you win. And spring for fancy iced coffee sfter

They aren't always awful. We loved ours! Kids and adults had a great time. A few family members live out of town so they couldn't attend, but our small party was wonderful.

OP, does your family work on their relationship year round? Do sils do favors for eachother, come over etc. Working together once a year can be hard if there is no relationship.

mommy3b2c

Fri, Dec 23 2022, 9:04 am

amother Tealblue wrote:

Chanukah parties are awful in every family. Ppl are either honest about it or not. You smile you win. And spring for fancy iced coffee sfter

Don’t be ridiculous. There are plenty of people who know how to get along with each other .

amother

Maple

Fri, Dec 23 2022, 9:14 am

amother Tealblue wrote:

Chanukah parties are awful in every family. Ppl are either honest about it or not. You smile you win. And spring for fancy iced coffee sfter

No they're not. My children have a grand time and so do the adults.
Granted it was in a big space this year with lots of room for every age group to have their game and fun.

But even when we didn't have this space we used to divide the party in two or three nights by age range in a smaller setting. (Yes my immediate family is huge keh)

My family has their own issues but fun get togethers and unity isn't one of their problems.

amother

Maple

Fri, Dec 23 2022, 9:20 am

amother OP wrote:

Can you have more than one menu?
Like an extra food or dish for each sil.
I'm serious.

Sometimes this is what settles things with immature people.

amother

Opal

Fri, Dec 23 2022, 9:41 am

I don’t like my husband’s family’s party but that’s because it’s boring. They all just sit around, refuse to play any games or do anything fun so after 15 minutes there’s nothing left to talk about and you just sit. My family at least tries to have fun.

amother

Fri, Dec 23 2022, 11:18 am

Food is not what bothers me. It starts innocently with that, but then escalates into disagreements on other things.

Over the years I started doing whatever they wanted. Prepare whatever recipe they want, chip in whatever amount they said, and just go along.

What bothers me is when one gets upse8t they make a big deal and involve all sils. (Yes we are a small family, 3 snobby sil, 2 normal ones) so everyone takes sides and glares at the 'bad one' that year. They snicker in front of the others and there's a very unpleasant atmosphere. My older kids started resenting to join. (Something we do anyway)

I feel a part of it is jealousy and competition. I just wish they would get along and not be so nasty with all.

amother

Coral

Fri, Dec 23 2022, 12:04 pm

Honestly if they are going to do the party that way I’d opt out. There’s no halacha that you need to have a party with every branch of the family.

None of my family have this sort of dynamic. Most branches are very chilled about it and whatever you bring is good. The one branch that takes their party really seriously, Bubby runs the show and it’s the same menu and venue nearly every year so it has its own rhythm.