Husbands gift after child’s chasuna to wife

asmileaday

Mon, Dec 26 2022, 4:29 pm

amother Viola wrote:

Who says they aren't?

I don't see how this has to do with anything.

Seems like you are taking this and another similar sentiment personally. Why?

The reason for my comment is because from what I usually see, the women asking or demanding gifts at a financially tight time have no concept of money. They spend recklessly racking up debt their dh needs to struggle to cover. To them money is abstract, something that's always there, they just need to spend it.
If they were the breadwinner and saw how much effort it takes to earn what's needed to cover a basic lifestyle plus a simcha, and they still feel entitled to a gift then they most likely can afford it.

That's my humble opinion.

If someone can afford it buy and ask for all the gifts your heart desires. Gezunterheit. I'm referring to those that clearly can't afford it and still feel entitled.

amother

DarkOrange

Mon, Dec 26 2022, 11:30 pm

erm wrote:

My baby was something "concrete" that holds so much meaning (even after they grew up.) I look at my children and have a tremendous sense power of the "team my DH and I" are. I don't need a piece of jewelry to remind me of it. There isn't a present in the world that would have made me happier than holding my healthy child in my arms.

That's very sweet but as someone that has hard postpartum recovery I am not blessed to feel that way.

My babies are my gift to my husband that literally begs for them. And he isn't good at helping around the house either so that doesn't count as a gift either....I was done after 1 baby although they're delicious it takes a lot out of me to actually see and feel the "concrete gift" so wouldn't hurt to be celebrated and acknowledged somehow by him. Sort of like a real way for him to say "thank you for sacrificing yourself and your body to make this dream come true"

And before anyone starts throwing rotten tomatoes that he shouldn't be forcing me etc etc, obviously I'm for having another one, somewhat too, but never to his yearning and dreaming extent

amother

Tulip

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 2:08 am

amother DarkOrange wrote:

I hear you. As someone who has went through pregnancies and lost the babies I will tell you I had a lot of pain from it. from morning sickness, back pain, heartburn, varicose veins, to more...and it is worth every bit. You may not see it postpartum, but almost anyone older will tell you it was well worth it.

A child is a gift (albeit challenging) and not the other way around.

amother

Papayawhip

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 3:05 am

amother Pansy wrote:

DH does buy me gifts. Sometimes larger than others.
One “push present” was a cushion solitaire ring. I wear it every day. For my other child I got silver earrings as we had bought a house and that’s where we were financially.
These gifts are not because I pushed a baby out and deserve a reward. It’s a way to mark a very joyous event, to put the feelings into something concrete. It contains a tremendous sense of accomplishment, strong female power and of the team DH and I are. I wear this anchor every day.

When DH has career and personal accomplishments I have bought him a watch, iPad… all engraved to mark the effort and achievement.

It’s a way to bottle intense feelings of gratitude, appreciation, feelings of accomplishment pride and strength, that we later draw on.

DH is not good at writing cards, but my possessions hold so much meaning.

You obviously could afford these types of high end gifts. It’s very likely the OP isn’t in the same budget as you. I got gifts when we could afford , and didn’t get gifts other times. Depended where we were financially, it was never a “must”. The funds need to be available for the IPAD and watch, it’s not magically there because you or your husband happened to accomplish something.

amother

Papayawhip

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 3:10 am

amother Yolk wrote:

I always wonder what about the hakaras hatov the wife should show the husband for financing the wedding and all expenses all the years...

I have family members who literally couldn't afford to pay anything towards their child's wedding and others who borrowed to marry off in style and demanded gifts....

Those who get the biggest push presents, or presents when marrying off children, are the ones who have baby nurses and party planners. The jewelry woman receive for milestones are generally not indicative of the amount of work done or amount of hakaras hatov that should be felt.

Chayalle

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 8:43 am

Honestly not a thing in my circles, but I will say this - my good friend recently married off her youngest child, after her husband passed away. Her child bought her a beautiful gift in honor of the wedding. I thought that was really lovely.

amother

Gladiolus

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 10:49 am

Chayalle wrote:

Indeed it was, but it's a completely different concept. This is a child thanking her mother, who did, after all, give her the gift of life as well as making her wedding. My dc couldn't afford to give me a gift for making their weddings, nor was this kind of thing even a thought in our circles, but they wrote me the most beautiful thank-you notes that had me crying in my soup. Not thanking me for making the wedding per se, but thanking me for being their mother and bringing them up properly, and they mentioned some things I didn't even remember that I did or didn't think were a big deal at the time.

Ima_Shelli

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 10:54 am

Chayalle wrote:

Yes. See my earlier post about a group of us buying a gift for a divorced friend the day she married off a child.

Chayalle

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 11:00 am

Ima_Shelli wrote:

Yes. See my earlier post about a group of us buying a gift for a divorced friend the day she married off a child.

I think that's really nice coming from a group of friends.

For my friend, the nicest part was that the gift came from her child...presented to her right before the wedding by the child...

zaq

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 11:46 am

There's nothing wrong with anyone giving anyone a gift for any reason, including "it's Tuesday," assuming the giver can afford it. Gifts become problematic when they become obligatory, people feel entitled to them and resentful if they're not forthcoming or if they're of insufficient monetary value, and/or the givers can't afford them.

Parents, even if you're people of means and even more so if you're not, bring up your children to understand that just because soandso gets suchandsuch doesn't mean that they, your children, will necessarily get the same or even close to it. Even if you're the richest kid on the block, there will always be someone on the next block who is richer or a bigger spender, and if you expect always to get what "everyone else" gets, you're doomed to eternal disappointment. Try to foster in your children fewer expectations and a sense of gratitude for whatever they do get. They'll be much happier throughout life, and you won't be contributing to the plague of escalating expectations and conspicuous consumption that seems to be characterizing much of the frum world.

And if it's not your kids but you who are always looking over the fence and envying yennem's diamonds or vacations or car or sheitel...see above.

Bnei Berak 10

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 2:12 pm

zaq wrote:

WELL SPOKEN!

amother

NeonGreen

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 2:26 pm

I got a beautiful diamond bracelet. Wow. How lucky am I? Everyone saw how he gave it to me, and there was such excitement over it.

^{but we wont talk about how he treats me like garbage the rest of the time. It was all about teh showmanship} Anyone want to trade diamonds for kindness?

amother

Gladiolus

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 3:01 pm

amother NeonGreen wrote:

I'm sorry for your pain, and of course lavish gifts don't make up for mistreatment. But people need to stop being envious even if the gifts are not a public show covering up private misdeeds but gestures of genuine love and generosity. Here on imamother we tend to tell people "Don't be envious, you don't know what goes on behind closed doors" --which is true--but they need to stop being envious, period. Some people do have wonderful lives and we need to be able to fargin them that without "consoling" ourselves that they must be experiencing horrors that they're not telling us about.

amother

Tulip

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 3:49 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

I think she was just trying to bring out a point.

amother

Lemonlime

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 5:52 pm

That is a sweet romantic gesture that is nice for those who have the means and private. Let's not let it get to be a "thing", please! So many people are so financially stressed and they love their wives too.

amother

Tulip

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 9:21 pm

amother Gladiolus wrote:

and so was I, but not to her. To the imamother audience in general.

You did quote her.
Of course in a lofty world people should never envy, but we are just human beings and not angels. When so many extravagances became the norm in our society, It's ok to hear that even though things appear rosy by someone else, it's not always the case.

amother

Papayawhip

Tue, Dec 27 2022, 9:45 pm

amother NeonGreen wrote:

My sister is in this exact situation. I’m sorry for you. He treats my sister like garbage and every once and awhile feels bad about it and runs and gets her some expensive piece of jewelry. 😰
It’s heartbreaking