How do you deal with criticizm from family or ILs?

greentiger

Wed, Jun 11 2008, 10:45 am

How do you deal if your family does not agree with your parenting methods? There is a limit to the amount of times I can say "I hear and I'll consider it" and I am getting a bit tired of having my MIL tell me how good it is for a kid to sleep in their own bed.

Recent convo:
"So is your baby sleeping in her crib that we picked out together?"
"Well I put her there when she sleeps during the day"
"And at night??"
"She is still in my room" (I don't dare say in my bed)
"Why don't you use the crib??"
(Think quick!)
"Because I am too tired to walk so far at night when she gets up to nurse"
"You mean she doesn't sleep through the night yet?! She is a big girl!"
(Sure... all of 5 months)
"I do it for my milk supply"

I really don't want to argue since I won't end up convincing anyone that their parenting methods are not what work for me, but how do you get people to respect your choices?

yo'ma

Wed, Jun 11 2008, 11:24 am

My mil is so careful around me, she walks on egg shells around me. I think she thinks that if she says something wrong, I'll bite her. Yes, I complain about things, but never to her and my dh never repeats it to her.

greentiger

Wed, Jun 11 2008, 11:30 am

I don't only mean MIL. Its everyone from the nurses in the tipat chalav to strangers in the street. Some people you can ignore and some you just can't.

Seraph

Wed, Jun 11 2008, 11:35 am

see my thread "no, my son doesnt need that" in the natural parenting section.

"Oh wow, thats something to consider" is a line I've wanted to use but havent yet.

yo'ma

Wed, Jun 11 2008, 11:35 am

Maybe I look scary Twisted Evil

or I'm doing everything right LOL

, but pple don't really give me advice, maybe once in a blue moon.

Tamiri

Wed, Jun 11 2008, 11:35 am

Just nod and smile. You can't argue with either, unless it's on imamother.

mugsisme

Wed, Jun 11 2008, 12:38 pm

You can always say, "Oh, good point. I will ask the ped. next time I am there." Nothing left they can say after that.

Or use the two ear method. In one ear, out the other, with no pit stop in the middle. I just answer my mom, Mm-hmm. Then she says, OH, your not going to listen me, are you? See, she learned.

You can also answer, My child's doctor said it is OK to do this or that. Again, they can't argue with that.

Stand firm, and just ignore what doesn't work for you. What works for one does not work for all.

zufriedene

Wed, Jun 11 2008, 1:21 pm

being a MIL SOMETIMES I GET FRUSTRATED WHEN THE ils just dont hear??
I really try to be considerate, but we did bring up your dh to be this wonderful person he is, so why resent us so??Is there anything u couldve contributed to the conversation without offending?? like maybe we'll try it out, or maybe u have a different suggestion?

I made up my mind to love and enjoy my DILs and put a DAGESH on their qualities and overlook their shortcomings. I hope they do the same with me!!

amother

Wed, Jun 11 2008, 2:29 pm

My mil and I have total opposite views on parenting. I'm more into natural and she is rigth away if the baby coughs then she already gave two dosage of tylenol. I think my mil learned right away not to say anything to me and I'm happy that way. I totally disagree with her way of raising kids and I would never want to emulate her. Just because she raised her son doesen't mean she knew what she was doing. I give my son's good personality credit that he went to out of town yeshiva at a young age not always is a good boy the product of his home.

zufriedene

Wed, Jun 11 2008, 2:59 pm

sorry to disappoint u, but a kid that went to out of town yeshiva, without coming from a loving home and having very positive object relatiobship with his mother would never grow up to that personality u adore!!

freidasima

Wed, Jun 11 2008, 3:13 pm

zufriedene I am sorry but I disagree. I know two men who left home at 14 and one went overseas to school and one to yeshiva and they never came back home and that's what made them menschen. Their parents are nutty, they are a bit on the edge but good husbands and fathers because....they didn't learn from their parents...

so it depends who and what...

greentiger

Wed, Jun 11 2008, 3:30 pm

Tamiri wrote:

Just nod and smile. You can't argue with either, unless it's on Imamother.

LOL thats basicly what I do till I hear from other relatives how I am ruining my kid (while she is telling me to let her have icecream Rolling Eyes

)

ora_43

Thu, Jun 12 2008, 7:38 am

I don't discuss my ideas with them, so debate is automatically limited. In the situation you describe I probably would have gone with a half-truth to make them happy, ex:
"So is your baby sleeping in her crib that we picked out together?"
"Yes." (why tell her exactly when, if it will only lead to an argument?)
This is what I do with birth control questions:
"So, have you thought about waiting a bit before getting pregnant again?"
"Yes, we've already discussed that." ["and we've decided to have another baby whenever Hashem blesses us again" going unsaid].

If I want to be completely honest I would just say something like "This is what works for us." Ex:

"So is your baby sleeping in her crib that we picked out together?"
"Well I put her there when she sleeps during the day"
"And at night??"
"She is still in my room"
"Why don't you use the crib??"
"This is what works for us." (repeat as necessary).

IMO by answering her questions you might be giving her the feeling that you're open to her suggestions, or that you feel defensive and she might succeed in changing your mind. In my experience the best way to avoid friction on issues like child raising, religious standards, etc, is just to make it clear (as nicely as possible) that you are not open to advice on this issue and talking to you is a waste of time. It's not ideal (b/c now the inlaws might think they have a stubborn DIL who won't listen) but IMO it's better than the alternative (arguments, bad feelings, etc).