Is it rude to ask where clothes are from?

amother

Calendula

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 11:46 am

It looks like quite a lot of us (dare I say the majority?) get hand me down (or even shop on clearance/2nd hand store)
why is it still embarrassing to say so?
Do wealthy families never pass down clothing from one kid to the next?

Maybe it shouldn't be uncomfortable to answer: "oh it's a hand me down or I don't remember where we got it from!"
Be proud! There is nothing wrong about it!!

amother

Midnight

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 11:47 am

I personally could care less to say it's a handmedown or it's secondhand. Davka in the secular world (and some of the frum world) it doesn't even have to be for financial reasons. I could just be trying save the planet or something. There are plenty of people who could afford new clothes who prefer secondhand for these reasons.

The only thing I draw the line at is if I found the item in the trash. I have a few beautiful things I found next to the dumpster. (Not IN the dumpster.) That is a bit beneath my dignity and I prefer not to say.

I live in Northern Israel.

But ya, I think it's an odd question unless you literally want to buy it. It's just like why?! Not something you need to know and has a good chance of embarrassing someone.

amother

Midnight

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 11:51 am

amother Calendula wrote:

Wealthy people likely do pass down mainly for sentimental reasons. It's cute to see a handmedown from an older sibling on a younger sibling. Many people like that. Or they don't like the current styles and would rather save things they love.

amother

Natural

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 11:52 am

Ucchh. I hate the question. My sis in law asks me all the time. I feel like its so nosy. Like she's computing just how I spend my money. Her mom (my mother in law) does it too. I'm not a great shopper and usually will buy something expensive that is local. And whenever I tell her, she follows up with how she got her dress for $10 on the clearance rack. And I just feel stupid. Like, I don't care I'm happy for you that you're a good shopper but why do you always have to rub it in my face.

Anyway, you can tell when someone is being a yenta and someone is just asking to make conversation. When ppl just ask to make conversation, I don't get those ick vibes. I just answer and don't give it another thought. So I guess my answer would be it depends on who asks and how its asked.

gr82no

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 12:12 pm

I don’t care. Most of my clothing is old so I don’t remember or from cheap stores.
I love getting hand me downs for my kids because it saves me money. But I think I won’t get it when they’re teens if they will feel self conscious about it.
Before our shabaton in high school our teacher gave a big speech about not asking where things are from cuz a girl might be embarrassed. I was wearing a hand me down from a neighbor and a girl asked me. I said hand me down and she felt really bad but only because of the teacher’s speech. Oh well.

amother

Olive

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 12:16 pm

I think it depends who you ask. I would only ask someone who I know shops in the same types of stores I shop at. I have one daughter who has an extremely hard time finding clothing because of her figure. Someone I know well and know that she shops in the same local stores I shop at has a similar figure to my daughter. When I noticed she was wearing something new that looked really good on her I asked her where she bought it because I know she and my daughter have a hard time with clothing.
I do not think it’s appropriate to ask someone you don’t know well, as many people have already said.

amother

Hawthorn

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 12:26 pm

I'm not sure I would say it's rude but it can definitely put the other person in an awkward position.

By my family chanukah my sil asked me where my skirt was from. It happened to have been a kids skirt that I bought in a size 18. I felt funny not answering on the other hand I was a little embarrassed to say where I got it...

amother

Ginger

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 12:37 pm

After reading all responses, I think the answer to wether it's rude or not, may be community dependent. If you run in circles where people judge others by where they shop or what they wear, then ir is a rude and inappropriate question to ask.
But if you live in a community where 2nd hand shopping, hand me downs, target/wal mart is normal and acceptable, then it might not be an inappropriate question.

Amalia

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 12:43 pm

amother OP wrote:

Wow definitely going to avoid asking in the future.

I use hand me downs for my kids but don’t find it embarrassing to say that I do - kids need a whole new wardrobe every season, who has patience to do all that shopping? And who can afford it. But I get that not everyone feels that way.

Small talk is so hard for me! Im sad about losing this question lol. I’d appreciate any suggestions for small talk things to say at Simcha.

Maybe a book like this would help you?
“The Fine Art of Small Talk” by Debra Fine. (I found it on Amazon. There seem to be many good books on this subject now. It won’t help you specifically with the frum small talk but may still be helpful.)

amother

Pink

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 12:57 pm

It doesn't bother me at all, whether people consider it rude or not I couldn't say. I'm always tickled to say if something was secondhand because I'm proud of my frugality. OTOH, I can afford to be proud because I'm frugal by choice. Well, if I weren't frugal, then eventually frugality would be a necessity, but I think YKWIM. I don't really have to buy secondhand, I just like to. My answer might be very different if I had no choice but to buy secondhand or even firsthand at gmachs. B"H I don't live among people who would have contempt for me because I shop thrift stores and K-Mart.

amother

Freesia

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 12:59 pm

Why not just respond with the brand if you find it embarrassing to say it is second hand.

(many people don't though, and some people find it embarrassing or wrong to buy new clothing for enviromental reasons)

I just kept a bunch of baby clothes for iyh future grandchildren. Not because I can't afford to buy new, but some of them are adorable and I love the idea of a future granddaughter wearing the same dress as her mother did!

amother

Magnolia

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 1:05 pm

I ask all the time and am asked this all the time. Maybe it’s because I live OOT and so we’re always trying to find places to get tznius/Jewish-style clothes? I typically say “can I ask where you got it?” But I don’t think I’ve ever had anyone say they’d rather not tell me. I ask because I’m genuinely interested, and I’m not ashamed of saying it’s from target or second-hand, etc. and I certainly am not mentally calculating how much you spent! Stores have deals all the time, how do I know if you bought a $180 skirt on clearance, or maybe you skimped somewhere else to buy it full price? If you don’t tell my the actual number, it’s not part of my thought process. But if you tell me your skirt is from Target? I’m gonna be so excited they’ve got tznius options! Your kids’ shoes are from Ali Express? Please tell me what you think about them so I can decide next season if I should buy next season! You like my daughter’s coat? YOU BET I’m going to tell you how excited I was to find a SAM coat second hand for $12. I just genuinely like hearing about deals, sharing them, finding out what people think of brands, and finding new stores. How sad that people judge and are afraid of being judged about this!

amother

Tulip

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 1:22 pm

Interesting, I have the opposite.

We are far from wealthy, but my DH likes to buy me designer shoes (he’s good at finding deals). I feel uncomfortable sometimes when someone asks about my weekday shoes, and they’re Ferragamo’s or something. I would much rather tell someone that my daughter’s outfit is from tottini.

amother

Midnight

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 1:39 pm

amother Magnolia wrote:

I really think OOT is just a different mentality all together. I grew up in very OOT America. It's a matter of survival (dress your kids tznius without having frum stores) and also a culture where frugality is the norm.

So I think the answer to the OP is it really depends on where you live and what your circles are. But if it's just to make conversation, there are way better options out there.