Is it rude to ask where clothes are from?

amother

Lightyellow

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 1:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

When small talking at a Simcha, I tend to compliment the person’s outfit and then ask them where it’s from. Is that a rude thing to ask people? I don’t actually care where it’s from a lot of the time, I just want to have something to say because I’m an introvert and small talk doesn’t come naturally to me.

Asking where it’s from might make them think you’re going to run to the store and buy the same outfit. It’s enough to just say you love what they’re wearing.

vintagebknyc

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 1:57 pm

theoneandonly wrote:

Am I the only one who loves bragging about my hand me downs? Well, not necessarily bragging, but if someone compliments it or asks where I got it, I am very happy to say who I got it from (and who they got it from, if applicable).

I brag when people compliment the $2 Chanel dress I got at Goodwill.

amother

Sage

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 1:59 pm

I think it's VERY rude to ask if you don't actually care. Just compliment and move on.

Asking what brand is EVEN MORE RUDE than asking where. That just shows how shallow you are.

However...
I think if you love something and want to buy something like that, it's okay, if you do it very sweetly and sincerely.

For instance... I'm fat. I saw a very well-dressed overweight woman in the supermarket, and I didn't know her at all. I said, "I hope you don't mind me asking, but I just love your top. Where did you get it." She told me it was from Target. I said, "Wow, I can't believe it. It looks so good on you! I'm going to see if they have any more for me"... and I did! I got myself the same top!

I have approached many people regarding things that I had that I would have liked to buy for myself. Most people take it as a compliment.

Also...people know that you don't always have to tell the truth, right? Like, if you got a gorgeous outfit at TJ Maxx (which I've seen many times!) but don't want to say, you don't have to. You can say, "What, this old thing? I can't recall" and be done with it.

Same for gemach, had-me-down, etc. No shame necessary.

snailmail

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 2:04 pm

I hate small talk too. This seems a very nosey thing to ask. Are you interested in buying the same thing - then go ahead and ask. If you are just nosey (which I think is why most people would ask) - you are basically asking is this expensive, how much did you pay. I often get hand me downs, or buy at Target or the likes - I would rather not start telling the world where I get my clothes from but others seem to have no problem with it, or even brag that they got whole wardrobe for 6 year old as a hand me down & only had to pick up 2 items on sale from Target or the like. On the other hand, I am not impressed when people go around 'bragging' that they had to spent $1000 in Jewish store for a few outfits.

amother

Bisque

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 2:11 pm

When I grew up we got hand-me-downs from a wealthy relative.

I really didn’t mind wearing them as they were always in great condition and up to date - often designer brands.

The only issue I had was girls constantly asking me where my things were from. I had terrible anxiety because of it and it really affected my self esteem as a teen.

Just saying the brand didn’t work for me either as I often didn’t know it, or it was too designer and I felt weird when people around me knew we were dirt poor.

It’s a horrible question and should be banned.

zaq

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 2:15 pm

While I might not object myself if s/o asked me where got my outfit, it's not s/t I would ask anyone (unless I wanted to get something similar for myself, in which case I would make that clear from the get go), certainly not just to make small talk.Say instead that you love the color, or the clever collar design, or the elegant way the fabric flows--some detail about the outfit itself. In general, personal questions, especially questions about money, are considered rude in the US. You're less likely to be bashed for asking someone about their s@x life than about their money. And asking where s/o got something can absolutely be a way of covertly assessing their socioeconomic status. People might look at you differently if your clothes are from K-Mart or Goodwill than if they're from Saks.

The question is, of course, whether you would even want to have anything to do with people who would judge you based on where you shop.

chanchy123

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 2:26 pm

It’s not rude, it’s completely normal conversation.
If you are uncomfortable to share, as others said, just be vague or say you don’t remember, it will be fine.
If you know the person is of low means it can be rude.
BH in my world, saying you got an item of clothing from a gemach, second hand store or random hand me downs - not to mention discount shops - is nothing to be ashamed of.
I mostly ask if I see someone wearing something I had been looking for myself.

amother

Pink

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 2:29 pm

amother Cadetblue wrote:

I wonder what people would feel with the question "Is it new?/Did you get it for the simcha". I ask that a lot of times. I feel it is maybe more open-ended for the person to answer however makes them comfortable.

This is even worse than asking where I got it! You're obviously not asking because you want to get the same thing for yourself, and it comes off as VERY nosy unless you're talking to your BFF. Yiu don't need to know that I'm wearing this dress for the fifty-seventh time because it's the only simcha dress I own. I'll cheerfully volunteer the 411 that I couldn't find a dress in my size so I bought two identical dresses three sizes too small on post-holiday sale at Marshall's and had a dressmaker cannibalize the one to expand the other, but I really don't care to tell you that I didn't buy it just for this event and I resent your asking.

BTW, "open-ended" means "can't be answered yes/no." "Is that dress new?" is very much a close-ended question. "How did you find both a bag and a face covering to match your dress so perfectly?" is an open-ended question.

icedcoffee

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 3:21 pm

amother Cadetblue wrote:

Just want to reiterate the amother before me that this is definitely worse! "Where did you get it" allows people to respond with several options: the brand name, the store name, whether it was from a thrift store, hand-me-down etc. Asking if it's new forces them into a yes/no binary. I, like 99% of the population, rewear things to multiple events but I would feel pretty weird if someone asked me that straight up about a specific dress. At least asking for the store can spark a conversation, but I can't imagine why anyone who isn't a yenta would need to know if I've worn this dress before or not.

With regards to the OP's question, it's a perfectly well-meaning question but I agree it can be a bit touchy. I consider myself an extremely savvy secondhand shopper - I've gotten Prada, Oscar de la Renta, Balmain, Sandro etc for pennies - and I'm happy to share the "story" of my strategy/finds but I can absolutely imagine others not feeling so comfortable. I also wouldn't really know in the moment if someone is just asking about the brand or if they actually want the whole megillah about how I personally acquired it. I don't think it's a rude question but I also can see why others don't really want to advertise that they buy secondhand and in the moment it can feel like you are put on the spot even if it's "easy enough" to say something vague.

amother

Amaryllis

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 3:31 pm

amother Currant wrote:

I don't get the shame of hand me downs. I grew up very comfortable financially and we always passed clothes on around the family when they were in good condition. Pretty much everyone I know passes clothes on to friends and family if they don't need them anymore, because why not??

I think we need to over the embarrassment of where we buy out clothes at.

Also, telling where something is from doesn't always give away price. Maybe you bough on sale? If you're embarrassed about what you spend on your clothes, maybe shop elsewhere?

Agree! We are doing very well financially bH and I buy my kids and myself designer clothing but I still take hand me downs. And I give hand me downs! It’s part of the regular frum culture. It’s nothing to be ashamed of

agreer

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 3:45 pm

amother Olive wrote:

Op got her answer-
Anyway she said she doesn’t really care where people got their clothing from- she just doesn’t know what else to say when she sees them

Yes she did, but there are still so many others, as evidenced by the responses, that ask these intrusive questions OR WORSE.

This is a very eye-opening thread for those that actually care about how their words affect others.

For the group that doesn't care about anything, they'll keep asking these hurtful questions, thinking that just because they don't mind, others don't either.

amother

Sage

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 3:49 pm

amother Olive wrote:

Op got her answer-
Anyway she said she doesn’t really care where people got their clothing from- she just doesn’t know what else to say when she sees them

Really?

- How's it going? What's new with you?
- Can you believe this weather?
- How was your Chanaka/Shabbos/Last few days off from school?
- How's work going? Tell me more about it!
- Doesn't the kallah/bar mitzvah boy/mom look fabulous?

And then, as a fellow introvert... if there's nothing else to say, just eat your food or drink your drink and listen to others make conversation around you.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 5:38 pm

amother Hawthorn wrote:

I'm not sure I would say it's rude but it can definitely put the other person in an awkward position.

By my family chanukah my sil asked me where my skirt was from. It happened to have been a kids skirt that I bought in a size 18. I felt funny not answering on the other hand I was a little embarrassed to say where I got it...

And I proudly say which of my clothes and shoes (many pairs) came from kids stores . Why is that embarrassing?
I’m equally as proud if I got it on Amazon or Bloomingdale’s. Who cares ? I just have good taste.