12 year old dawdles with everything

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 9:53 pm

I am so at my wits' end with my 12 year old son. Getting him to do anything is literally like pulling teeth. We have to ask/beg/threaten tens of times before he actually does anything and if we express the smallest amount of frustration, he gets mad and oppositional. Here's an example from tonight:

I told him that right when he comes home from learning tonight, he needs to take a shower. Reminded him again in car. When he came home, I said ok so go up right away and take a shower. "Okayy", dawdles around, just taking his time. I remind him 10 times and he angrily yells "OKAYYYY", finally goes up. Half an hour later I call up asking if he's in shower. "Not yet, just cooling down", "ok so get in the shower", "ok", 10 more times of that ("I'm going in!!!!") and half hour later he turns on the water. I have to remind him 10 times to get in the bath (he decided to take one instead of a shower). He's finally in and 45 minutes later after telling him to come out 10 times he says he can't wash cuz the water is cold. I told him too bad, just wash. He says ok. Multiple times (each time he says "I'm washing") and 15 minutes later he's still in there. When I tell him I'm really frustrated, it's way past his bedtime and he needs to come out asap, he yells and starts crying "stop telling me 'go go go'. 15 minutes later he's still in there.

Next comes brushing teeth and going to bed - it's the same story. ARGHHH I'm pulling my hair out!!
We're already doing incentive charts for getting up for minyan and for behavior in school so I cannot do another one of those. And in terms of consequences, there are very few that I can do besides for take away computer time - which is already tied to school behavior. Help!!

BrisketBoss

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 9:56 pm

He has ADHD, right? This sounds like my entire childhood with my siblings. Smile

You're so not alone.

I know I recommend this all the time but I'm recommending collaborative problem solving again. https://livesinthebalance.org/walking-tour/

amother

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 10:13 pm

Thanks for your reply, but no he doesn't have ADHD. No trouble at all with impulse control, attention or hyperactivity.

Gonna check out that link though - thanks for the suggestion!

pgk

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 10:15 pm

You just described my son. He’s 13 and he does have adhd.

amother

Lightblue

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 10:16 pm

Impulsiveness and hyperactivity are not requirements for adhd. Inattentive types don't have those symptoms.

amother

Anemone

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 10:23 pm

My ten year old is exactly like this. No ADHD.

amother

Cyclamen

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 10:29 pm

L dopa, l tyrosine and tryptophan can really help with this type of behavior

behappy2

Thu, Dec 29 2022, 10:32 pm

Maybe he just doesn't want to do it!! How about when you put supper out, does it also take him an hour to get to the table 😉

amother

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 10:50 am

behappy2 wrote:

Maybe he just doesn't want to do it!! How about when you put supper out, does it also take him an hour to get to the table 😉

That’s for sure. Things he wants to do, he does quickly and efficiently. But everything else is like pulling teeth. At my wits’ end!

amother

Starflower

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 11:20 am

This is my 13 yo son too, no ADHD. He's been like this forever. We just finally last year realized and decided to take a step back and not nudge. If it gets done, yay. If not, not. He learns eventually. Makes for much much much less stress, confrontation and negative feelings.

(With my son, it's just the doing things he does or even doesn't want to do. Not so much with behavior BH. It's just the slowness and distractibility of more interesting things)

amother

Lightgreen

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 11:42 am

Yes, this is also my son and he does not have ADHD. I think he doesn't appreciate being told what to do and the more he is hocked, the less he will cooperate and dig in his heels. Is there a way to incentivize (not punish) him for getting the task done. Such as, "please get in the shower. If you're out by 8:15, I'll make you a snack or we can work on a puzzle together or I'll get down the photos from Tatty's Bar Mitzvah (you get the idea). Unfortunately, I am busy after that, so it has to be by 8:15." This is just a suggestion. Maybe he has to go to bed without a shower some time (I know, I'm a two shower a day kind of Mom for myself but sometimes it might not be harmful to be a little stinky to avoid the power struggle). Are there turns in the bathroom with his siblings and he will lose his by dawdling? Maybe set up a bathroom schedule and if he misses his slot, that's it. Obviously, there are times when there is no choice but to push him. Have you ever just stopped the conversation and tried to have an unemotional discussion about why he is taking so long? Does he need extra decompression time after school or activities? How are his planning and execution skills in general?

amother

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 12:30 pm

amother Starflower wrote:

Thanks, but how do you deal with situations where it is not ok if it doesn't get done? (ex: homework or going to bed on time - if it was up to him, he'd go to bed at 1am and then of course he will be a total wreck the next day)

amother

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 12:49 pm

amother Lightgreen wrote:

Thank you for all these ideas!

amother

Starflower

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 9:52 pm

amother OP wrote:

By us, sometimes just having a mature conversation with him- not in the moment - can help. He has thought of ideas on his own and we try to implement them. Sometimes with success other times not so much.
But really, the best us not to take it personally.
Yes, there are times that it's frustrating. He's not doing what needs to get done. But, fine he'll learn the hard way and iyH do differently next time.
Regarding sleep- at this point he knows he won't wake up for minyan if he goes to sleep too late. But still it's sometimes later than we like...
I just try to remember that everything is a test. This kid and his hang ups were chosen to be mine to deal with. I try to stay calm as best as I can and realize that "gam ze yaavor".
I don't really have any genius ideas, TBH. BH working on myself and trying not to get frustrated helps the best.
(The most frustrating by me is when ALL my other kids are ready to leave in the car. Out the door. He's still on the couch reading without shoes etc. I'm like- we are going, bye! He has glanced up and answers- what we are leaving?! Hang on I just need to 1, 2, 3 etc....
BH BH BH this doesn't happen so often anymore, but it used to be all the time!)

amother

Hyssop

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 10:02 pm

Give general expectations and leave it up to him to manage his time. Lay out the consequences if he doesn't. But don't make them huge consequences at first. Sometimes the consequences can also be natural. You want him to learn and not need you for the rest of his life telling him what to do.

For example,

"Son, please make sure you take a shower tonight and go to bed by 10 pm. If you do not, it will be hard for you to make it to minyan tomorrow and is not a good way to start your day."

My DD is like your son. Everything she does is in slow motion and not on my schedule. I had to learn to chill and let many things go. Also learned it's much better to let go of the micromanaging approach. Yeah, somethings don't actually get done but is it worth nagging? It's better to have some peace.

amother

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 10:05 pm

The problem is that those consequences don’t mean anything to him. He’ll be late to minyan? Ha, it’s this same struggle every single morning to get him up, out of bed, dressed, downstairs, out the door, etc.
It’s not a consequence for him if he’s late…

amother

Starflower

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 11:29 pm

amother OP wrote:

Ok, so I'm not really qualified from my own experience here... I hope you get better ideas from others! Hatzlacha raba!!!

gottago

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 7:19 am

How does your son feel about this? Have you had that conversation?
My 10 year old is like this and recently expressed how frustrating it is for HIM!
We are now working with a behavioral health specialist to try and help him. We don't yet know what is going on, but possibly anxiety or ADHD- primarily inattentive, which is quite different from ADHD- primarily hyperactive.

amother

Steel

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 9:00 am

Is your son depressed? If not, what will help him with motivation? I agree this sounds like extreme micromanagement. I found that the boys come home tired so it takes longer. Did you try asking him what schedule could work for him? Try letting him relax over some food, go to bed earlier, without a shower. Have him take the shower first thing in the morning before shachris. Is he this way in school also? How does his rebbi keep him motivated?

amother

Melon

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 10:22 am

What would happen if the tables are turned
Do it to him so he understands how it feels
After 3 days he’ll get the picture

Serve everyone dinner except for his plate
Fold everyone’s clothing , his clean clothing stays in a basket

And when he says”hey, what about me”” you say whoops I forgot in a minute and wait until he reminds you a few times.

Then AFTER 3 days have a serious talk with him and explain that a family needs to work together

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