Wedding of child who only has one living parent

amother

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 4:23 pm

Who walks him/her down the aisle?
In a situation that I am familiar with, I thought the living parent would walk the child down the aisle alone, but there is some talk of a sibling with a spouse walking together with the parent and child so here is a "married couple" walking the child down the aisle. Is this halacha? Minhag?
I've seen this before so there must be merit to it, but I've also seen divorced parents walk their child down the aisle, and they are not "married".

amother

Brown

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 4:34 pm

I had this and was told it should be a married couple, as it happens for various reasons my other parent didn't mind not doing it, so we chose a rav and rebbetzin who were close to our family.

The rebbetzin and my mother in law walked me, and the rabbi and my father in law walked him, in case that isn't obvious.

amother

Tuberose

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 4:44 pm

Ask your rav, mesadder keddushin, etc.

In my case, my father was remarried and walked me down with my stepmother. They walked down all my siblings and step siblings as well. This was our ideal choice.
(Note certain emotionally vulnerable relatives from the deceased parents side were incensed. My take - the dead parent is in the olam haemes and is happy the kid is happy).

In my aunts case, my married oldest uncle (her brother) walked her down with their (not remarried) mother. I've seen this, with an aunt/uncle/married sib the most (and what the emotionally vulnerable relatives wanted for the kids in my family)

amother

DarkPurple

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 4:51 pm

amother OP wrote:

Are you ashkenaz?

Yes. Litvishe. Doesn't it make sense that an almana should be able to walk her child down the aisle? There's no halacha, only minhag, and not causing paint to an almana is a d'oraisa.

I was also involved in a situation during where a parent couldn't be at a wedding (international situation) and the Rav said it's up to the Kalla - she doesn't need to have 2 people walk her down...

amother

Daylily

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 4:51 pm

40 years ago, my mom and dad got married and were walked down men with the chosson, women with the kallah.

My father had both parents then, but my mom only had her mother.

They chose another married couple, my mother's uncle and aunt, to walk down, but my grandma did to. So it was my father's father-father (chosson) - mother's uncle, but for the women it was my father's mother - mom (kallah) - mother's mother - mother's aunt (4 people). My grandma wasn't giving up her chance to walk her daughter down!

My friend had divorced parents. They both walked her down the long aisle, and then right before the chuppah, her married BIL and sister joined them and brought them directly under the chuppah.

I do believe this is all minhag, because another friend I know had both parents deceased.
She was walked down by her younger, unmarried siblings. No one had any issues with that.

amother

Tuberose

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 5:03 pm

amother DarkPurple wrote:

Are you the almanah? If so I'm so sorry for your loss and pain.

Who is saying the mother cant?

amother

Diamond

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 5:11 pm

My mil passed away before some of my bils got married. Me and my husband walked them down to the chuppa, along with my fil. Since in Chabad the 2 father walk the chassan and the 2 mothers walk the kallah, my bils had their father, brother and future fil walking them. Bh the other sides of the family had no issue with this.

I know one wedding with a similar situation, but the other side were very insistant that the surviving parent could not walk alongside them, and the wedding was almost cancelled. (the whole discussion only arose the day of the wedding for some reason) Some people forget that basic halachos like treating widows nicely take precedance over minhag over who walks who to the chuppah.

amother

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 5:29 pm

amother DarkPurple wrote:

It's not causing any pain for this parent to not walk down alone. They are specifically asking and crowd sourcing for a married couple to join in walking down the aisle. This parent seems to think it halacha and not minhag, for a married couple to walk down the aisle.

amother

Daphne

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 5:32 pm

amother OP wrote:

My father and sister walked me down. My father and a sister walked all of us down.
A friend of mine whose parents are divorced both walked her down.
I'd never heard of must be a married couple walking down/single parent walks on the side. My father and my friend's father zichronam l'vracha were both talmidei chachamim. Litvish.
Ask a rav.
We have divorced heimish machutanim. For that chasuna, the fathers walked the choson and the mothers walked the kallah. Do chassidim say that the interfirers (is that the word) still need to be married to each other?

amother

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 5:33 pm

amother Mayflower wrote:

My mom and grandpa walked me down. I walked my sister down with my mom. Imagine how hurtful for a widow/widower not to walk their child. Horrible.

That is not the situation here. The living parent is walking the child down the aisle, but is asking for a married couple to join. I am wondering if the married couple joining is necessary, and/or if it's based on halacha or minhag. This parent spoke to a rav and this is what they were told. That a "married couple" must join. My question is, that I know several divorced parents walk their children down the aisle, so I cant make sense of this whole thing.

Thanks so much everyone for your replies and experiences.

amother

Daphne

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 5:35 pm

amother OP wrote:

They asked a rav.
Everyone should ask their own shaila.

amother

Jetblack

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 5:38 pm

My father was niftar. My mother walked down all my siblings, together with her parents. my grandfather was niftar right before my wedding, so then my oldest sibling and spouse walked me down along with my mother.
Ashkenaz

amother

Dahlia

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 5:58 pm

amother OP wrote:

Dh's mother was an almana. Dh looked into the question of it having to be a married couple but it was not a requirement. My mil walked dh down together with her brother in law, who was married, but he was close with dh. Ashkenaz yeshivish.

Anyway if the living parent wants a couple to join, what's the problem? In our case, my mil and dh were not comfortable with a married couple joining.

amother

Mauve

Wed, Jan 04 2023, 6:08 pm

DH's mother died a few years before we got married, it was going to be his mother's parents walking us down, but his grandfather died a few weeks before the wedding.
So DH did a lot of research about the relevant halachos and minhagim, there are no halachos involved today but a lot minhagim that are based on halachos that were relevant in the times when there were other proceedings involved in getting married and at some point in the proceedings the ppl who walked down the would've had to be in a yichud situation together so had to be ppl who could be in yichud together. So it doesn't have to be a married couple but a pair of ppl who are allowed to be in yichud together so parent and a child is also fine to walk down.
DH wanted to stick to those minhagim as best he could so his maternal grandmother couldn't walk down with his father, so his younger sister walked me down with his father him. Ppl were a little incensced that an unmarried girl walked us down but according to DH it's fine and she didn't mind.
But bear in mind, the actual halachos are no longer relevant, it's just minhagim based on the old halachos, so if it's uncomfortable in any way do what works and makes ppl happy.