Is Simcha hospitality dead these days?

amother

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 5:48 am

The last few simchas in my family we didn't get put up with local families. We were directed to hotel info where a block of rooms was booked. It was too expensive so we didn't go, then we had upset family. I said what happened to placing people with local families, was told its too hard and nobody does that anymore. In my community this is still done, but wondering about other places.

amother

NeonGreen

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 5:53 am

If the Baal simcha directs you to a hotel then they should pay for your stay.

If they choose not to then they can’t be upset if you don’t show up. That’s all wrong.

Whenever we were directed to a hotel we had our stay payed by the Baal simcha. Otherwise it makes zero sense.

amother

Purple

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 5:57 am

amother OP wrote:

In my OOT community this is how it’s done.
No, the Baal Simcha does not pay unless it’s a Rav they’ve invited
I’m assuming you mean over Shabbos
It’s only done if there are no hotels within walking distance

amother

Yarrow

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 5:58 am

Lakewood and surrounding area still puts up guests. I hear if it’s too hard to put up anyone but to be upset that you didn’t pay for a hotel is a bit much. I wonder if it changed since covid? Otherwise why would people stop helping their neighbors? Doesn’t feel like a Jewish value.

amother

Magnolia

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 6:07 am

Is it a neighborhood where families live in small apartments? Maybe it's just too much of an imposition to ask local families to host.

In my neighborhood, we host out of town guests all the time.

amother

Ghostwhite

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 6:15 am

There are no hotels anywhere near where I live. There are a few people who made their basements into an airbnb but most of us host our neighbors' guests when there is a simcha.
The expectation is that it's only for Friday night. If they're staying longer, there are hotels that are within a short drive.

amother

Maple

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 6:16 am

I guess it's community dependent because we just thanked the most amazing 5 or 6 neighbors for hosting our out of town family.
And we just agreed to host for one of them in return.
And before that we had a parent of a neighbor (and his other daughter) for two weeks.
It's the neighborly thing to do. We're grateful when they assist us and we're happy to assist them.

NotInNJMommy

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 7:04 am

I would never be upset if someone couldn't afford to come to my simchah and if I couldn't afford to bring them, such that they couldn't make it. I mean, I'm sure I'd miss them, but I'd never be mad at anyone. I've also had to decline simchas because of cost.

amother

Diamond

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 7:17 am

I live in Baltimore.

I recently made a bar mitzvah and people graciously opened their homes for my company to stay for shabbos.

I also have a spare room that I happy lend to neighbors for their extra yom tov company and simchas.

amother

Navy

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 7:18 am

amother Diamond wrote:

Baltimore hospitality is amazing. Both times I visited for family simchas I was blown away by the levels of hachnasas ohrchim that I am other guests experienced!

amother

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 7:21 am

Regular suburban community where people live in houses. And we had been hosted by locals there before, although now that I think about it, last time that happened was pre covid, so maybe something the changed. Also, the hotel wasn't so convenient. It was over a mile away from the shul where everything was happening. Or maybe the family member just didn't want to bother asking around an arranging (not the same family member as the last time we'd spent shabbos in that community). I also was raised with the value of hachnassas orchim, and that it's not a question if you're hosting a simcha you arrange places for people to stay in the community and there are plenty of people happy to open up their homes. Obviously individuals vary and not everyone is cut out for this particular chesed, but I just find it hard to believe that it's an entire frum community that nobody wants to host.

amother

Lightgreen

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 7:21 am

I live in Lakewood and my guest room is in use for simchas at least once a month. When I made a simcha my neighbors graciously hosted my guests, some of them even gave us 3 bedrooms for larger families! B"H for simchos and for a wonderful neighborhood.
I wonder if OP's relative decided to go with the hotel to avoid having to make all the arrangements, which is honestly a massive pain in the neck.

amother

Forsythia

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 7:26 am

It's still done in my OOT community, but I think you can't expect this everywhere.

It probably does (and should) depend on some factors.

1. Availability of hotels in walking distance.
2. Size of typical simcha and typical number of out of town guests.
3. Frequency of simchas with many out of town guests.
4. Size of community itself and extent to which people know each other.

In my community, a lot of people make simchas elsewhere, such as Lakewood or Baltimore. And the community itself is not huge, so there are not so many big simchas here. And we are not close to NY/NJ, so we get fewer out of town guests at our simchas than someplace like Passaic or Philadelphia might. There are no hotels within walking distance. And most people in our community have at least briefly met each other, so there is more of a feeling of communal relationship to draw on when asking people to stretch themselves hospitality wise. With all that, I think it is sustainable here for the near future to keep simcha hospitality a thing. But if one or more of these things change as the community grows, I think the simcha hospitality practices might change too.

amother

Saddlebrown

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 7:42 am

I live in Lakewood with family in many oot cities. My neighborhood and others 8ve been to in Lakewood host. Every oot community Ive visited for family simchas hosts. I've been hosted in Flatbush and 5towns as well.

Sorry about your experience.

amother

Camellia

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 7:56 am

Where I live it's a big issue because people who have extra space rent it out. Either they rent it as a short term rental or they have tenants. Real estate is very expensive and very few people have extra room. There is a growing community that's a 20 min walk from the main community (where the simchas and events are held) but also small houses or it's just too far to be helpful.
When my in laws made their first wedding or two they were put up by families. Since then anyone coming for a simcha or something and does not have local relatives is expected to pay for a short term rental ($100+ a night). I live in Crown Heights.

Chayalle

Fri, Jan 06 2023, 8:22 am

I put up guests for Simchas all the time - I live near three different Simcha halls. I have been hosted by my sisters' neighbors in the Monsey area as well (and I'm very grateful to all my hosts over the years for their wonderful hospitality.)