I have a student who is really suffering... what can I say?

amother

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 4:11 pm

I am teaching parsha to high school girls. We talked today about galus being a process to get to geulah. The idea of stress, challenges, pain, oppression, etc. as something necessary we go through as necessary for growth and change. I asked the girls to reflect on things they have gone through in their own lives that were very hard but they came through it feeling stronger, better, accomplished, saw some unexpected good that came out of it, etc.

One student was asking "but what about pain that never ends? what about people who suffer their whole lives? What about if someone can't see any good from their suffering, etc." I got the impression this was personal to her - not just academic curiosity. I was worried maybe she's in some deep depression. (She's made comments in the past that set off some signals that she's dealing with a lot - but nothing that screamed depression or unhappiness like today). I talked to another teacher of hers (I'm new in the school and just getting to know the girls) and find out she's living with chronic pain her whole life with no cure.

I feel terrible and wonder what I can add to the conversation or say to her privately that can give her even the tiniest bit of peace or comfort? I'm not her therapist - I've no idea if she has a therapist - but she seems so alone and hopeless in her pain and sadness and it is breaking my heart. What, as her teacher, can I do or say?

mushkamothers

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 4:17 pm

amother OP wrote:

Now you know to be very careful and very sensitive when giving these floaty assignments and discussions.

And you don't say anything to her. But keep your ears tuned for comments or questions and answer those sensitively.

amother

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 4:28 pm

mushkamothers wrote:

Not sure what you mean by floaty assignments. It was a class discussion. I am asking genuinely: how do you teach parshas Sh'mos and not get into the concepts of exile and redemption? How do you not talk about how terribly the yidden were suffering and that Hashem was with them in their suffering, but it was something they had to go through to be redeemed and receive the Torah? How do you discuss this without asking the kids to think about their own experiences that follow this model in a microcosmic sort of way?

I would never wish to be insensitive. But really, to not discuss these ideas? The Torah is full of episodes and ideas that could be triggering for some students. But does that mean we skip or gloss over?

I am genuinely asking. Is this really not an okay talk in a high school classroom?

Kiwi13

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 4:33 pm

wifeandmore wrote:

That you're there for her. Don't try to give justification or chizuk imo.

disagree. It was one of my teachers who I will probably always remember as the kindest person I ever had the privilege to know and who helped me believe in a positive future. I was 10. I’m sure it was a delicate balance for her, but she changed my life.

amother

Aqua

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 4:44 pm

I would call her over to talk to her privately when you have a few minutes. Tell her you noticed that during this specific lesson, she seemed to be very interested in hearing more about these concepts, and you are wondering if you answered all her questions, or if there's still anything more that she wants to know.

Such a conversation opener feels safe because you are not discussing anything personal, you're simply following up on the lesson. Don't forget, she didn't tell you about her chronic pain and she might not be aware that teachers know (and also, might not want teachers to know). However, you are giving her that opportunity should she choose to open up to you more.

Be sincere and genuine, no pat answers to serious life questions. Validate whatever difficulties she shares, and promise to think about her questions and see if you can come up with any answers. I don't think you should have any ready answers, more like "Wow, that sounds really intense. I would like to think about it a bit more. Can you give me a couple of days to discuss these questions with a rav/talmid chacham/ba'al da'as? You deserve a well-thought out response which I don't feel equipped to provide you with."

And FOLLOW UP. If you don't plan to follow up, don't even start this conversation. Showing that you're open to more of a relationship, to answering her questions, or giving her chizzuk, but then abandoning her will be worse than not showing interest in the first place. Actions speak louder than words.

Good luck and tizki l'mitzvos!

amother

Aqua

Wed, Jan 11 2023, 4:45 pm

amother OP wrote:

Of course it's ok. Kudos to you for taking note of that girl who was sensitive to this discussion.