Part time for a mother is full time

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Forum -> Working Women

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amother

DarkCyan

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 11:06 am

amother OP wrote:

Husband does what he can when he gets home from his 9-6 plus 1 hr commute each way.
It’s a long day so when he gets home he does the most he can.

I’m fine with the husband works, wife-keep-house system - even though I work too- because I believe in the old-fashioned values of female capabilities vs. male capabilities + my husband is the main breadwinner in our home. And he really does pitch in when I ask.

This is what I was trying to understand. Him being the main breadwinner plus busy adds up.

Thanks so much for explaining

amother

Ballota

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 11:16 am

amother DarkCyan wrote:

Why? Why don’t you talk to him about it and demand equal responsibility. As far as I know it’s 100% according to Halacha. Why don’t you relinquish responsibility and ask him to do it if he wants it to happen?

Is this old fashioned sexism? I’m really not trying to bash… I just kept on seeing this, and I always wondered…

What’s sexist about there being only one CEO? We’d have to be in basically constant communication to keep everything efficient otherwise. Ie if he was fully in charge of laundry up to and including buying detergent, he’d go out and buy detergent when I needed 6 other things from the store. There’s way more to equality in marriage than just finances and household management

amother

DarkCyan

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 11:19 am

I’m honestly happy it works for you, and since it does, no I don’t think it’s sexist. I thinks it’s a lifestyle choice. I personally wouldn’t go for something like that but to each their own

socialbutterfly

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 11:22 am

YES YES YES YES.

amother

Razzmatazz

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 11:25 am

No, they are not out 9-9. They are 'out to lunch'
This wasn't even something that was on my radar to discuss while I was dating. I went straight from bais Yaakov to my marital home pretty much

amother

Strawberry

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 11:31 am

OP you can’t make up your own definitions for universal ideas, just to suite your needs. Just because you FEEL like you have a full time job does not mean that you do.

amother

Pearl

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 11:41 am

amother OP wrote:

If someone asks me whether or not I work PT or FT I say PT (it’s 10-2 plus 40 min commute each way) but inside I’m protesting.

For a mom, this is full time.

My second job begins at 3 when the kid begin coming home.

My third job begins at 8 when cleanup begins.

Not complaining BH. Life is full, plate is full, bank account not full — yet — but ain’t this the truth?

I'm sorry, but it's not a full time job. You have your hands full, no doubt, and are very busy, but you can't claim you have the same job workload as a full time worker.

I go to work early so I can be homenwhen my kids get home, but I'm putting in a full 8 hours, plus an hour commute, before I get home to pick up kids and focus on them. And then housework and all the other things on my plate. It's just not the same.

amother

Natural

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 11:48 am

amother DarkCyan wrote:

Am I in denial? Do the men sit on the couch while the women do everything? Are they equally busy?

I can answer for my household- husband wakes up at 5 to learn till kids wake up. He has them from wakeup until 645. Whatever learning time he loses then (some days they join him at 5) he makes up during lunch break or at night. I wake up at 6, eat a real breakfast so I can function, and pack up lunches etc til 645.
Then he gets ready quickly and runs out the door to shul while I finish up with kids and get them out to school. He's home from shul 8ish, has breakfast, does a few chores for me (dishwashers, garbages etc) and heads to work. He comes home around 6, and joins me in putting the kids to bed. Once kids are asleep he cleans up toys etc while I prepare our dinner. We finally get around to eating around 715/7:30. He then runs to maariv while I clean up the kitchen. So finally at 830 we're both home and breathing. He sits down to learn then and I have to finish the work I didn't finish at work because I leave at 4.

So he's at work more hours and has more hours of outside responsibilities in the form of minyan and learning.

amother

DarkCyan

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 11:50 am

amother Natural wrote:

Thanks for clarifying! Your husband sounds amazing

amother

Impatiens

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 11:52 am

amother Snowflake wrote:

Simple - men in our communities aren't taught about the importance of contributing to housework or hands-on child rearing. They're taught to simply learn Torah, and that everything else isn't as important, or is the "woman's job". Some men are lucky enough to grow up in a house where they see their fathers contributing to the housework and raising kids, or their mothers show them how to be responsible homemakers. But many aren't that lucky.

In my very yeshivish community, husbands help out a ton.

amother

Impatiens

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 11:54 am

amother DarkCyan wrote:

I’m newly wed and I don’t have any kids, I’m not trying to be judgmental I only want to understand. Every time I see a post about mothers working cooking and cleaning, I wonder where are the men? I feel like because I’m not in this stage yet everyone understands something I don’t. Are the men out from 9-9?

To me, common sense would indicate that if wife works to bring in money, the housework is shared. This doesn’t seem to be the case, why?

Dh does a tremendous amount, and even so.... With a bunch of little kids, there is just an enormous amount to be done. It's all hands on deck and bh still very busy.

IYH you will see...

fleetwood

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 11:58 am

mha3484 wrote:

I work full time 9-5 M-Th and 9- 2 hours before licht on Friday BUT I work 5 minutes from my house. The no commute is a huge deal. I feel like a human when I walk in the door. I think for many women its not the job its the commute. Its soul sucking and you come home exhausted.

I absolutely agree with this. It's a game changer!!

amother

Mauve

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 12:05 pm

amother DarkCyan wrote:

I agree and told my husband the same and now when I do have a baby and am home all day we still share household responsibilities we both live in the house we both wear clothing so we both clean and do the laundry…

amother

Bergamot

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 12:13 pm

I work 8:30-2:00 with an hour commute each way. I pick up my toddler and baby on my way home and my kids busses come about 25 mins after I get home. I leave at 7:15 so my husband gets the kids onto the busses in the morning and walks with the toddler and baby on his way to shul and then goes to work from 10-6:30. He also works from home 2 nights a week from 8-10.
I feel like I work full time, it's not 40 hours a week, but it's definitely fills my time and energy completely.

amother

Tealblue

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 12:15 pm

amother OP wrote:

I’ve been there.

I call you a superhuman deserving of statues in your honor, a page in the Guiness, your name whispered in hushed reverence.

Can I meet you in real life?!?
Full time worker out of the home. 36 hours a week minimum, there are times I work longer. Plus kids.
No one gets this. I don't do it for fun. I do it because I have to. I need it for rent, food, tuition....
And then they complain their kids are home and they "have to" find things to do with them. I wish I could be home with my kids over winter break.

amother

Oldlace

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 12:18 pm

amother DarkCyan wrote:

Am I in denial? Do the men sit on the couch while the women do everything? Are they equally busy?

I think nowadays most households need 2+ incomes. Just because the wife is working doesn’t mean the husband is sitting around doing nothing..I work 9:30-3 and my husband works from about 9-6 on a normal day (he often continues working again once the kids are in bed). He helps a lottt around the house and with the kids, but even with all that we’re both pretty much still busy around the clock. There’s a lot that goes into raising kids and running a household and both working (even though I’m officially part time). Honestly I don’t know how the posters who are saying their husbands don’t help at all manage.

amother

Mistyrose

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 12:23 pm

amother Natural wrote:

Yes. This.

My husband is working every second that he's home. If I see him pick up a book and read it, it's a shock, because he's not busy for those few minutes. Except on Shabbos, when he will rest with a book/magazine if the kids are all occupied.

He wakes up at 5:30, goes to 6:15 minyan, commutes to work from 7:00 to 8:00. Works until 4:45. Then gets home around 6:00. Eats dinner, does bath and bedtime with the kids while I clean up from dinner. Then runs out at 8 with the older boys to maariv, night seder, gets home close to 10. At which point I'm showered and ready for bed (I have a baby who is up at night).

When exactly is he supposed to help?

He is ON all day Sunday unless he's working. But there are a lot of responsibilities.

amother

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 12:23 pm

amother Pearl wrote:

What’s you’re doing is amazing.

I’m NOT here to take away credit from those who work full time.
Just discerning that the term part time always sounds so reductive from the actual 24 hr workload we all have.

amother

Clear

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 12:24 pm

amother DarkCyan wrote:

My husband is out of the house for about 13 hours on days he works, getting home really late. I have the same on the days I work (usually not the same days). I work more than him. And he does help. But that’s just it. He’s helping. It’s still somehow my job. And he’s a saint when he handles some chores for me (he’s not the one saying that, ironically it’s other moms who can’t believe I ask so much of my husband).

NechaMom

Fri, Jan 13 2023, 12:33 pm

amother Strawberry wrote:

OP you can’t make up your own definitions for universal ideas, just to suite your needs. Just because you FEEL like you have a full time job does not mean that you do.

Relax. She’s venting.
She’s not cheating on her taxes by saying part time for a mom is full time.

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