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amother
Wandflower
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 Sat, Jan 14 2023, 9:12 pm
| amother Snowflake wrote: | | Simple - men in our communities aren't taught about the importance of contributing to housework or hands-on child rearing. They're taught to simply learn Torah, and that everything else isn't as important, or is the "woman's job". Some men are lucky enough to grow up in a house where they see their fathers contributing to the housework and raising kids, or their mothers show them how to be responsible homemakers. But many aren't that lucky. |
I don't agree...
my husband works full time..he also goes to minyan three times a day, learns with my son to prep him for his Bar Mitzva, trys to learn a bit (not so much even) every day on his own...plus he does tons of early morning carpools for the kids etc...and he helps with the kids and bedtime..
he contributes so much! so no, he doesn't do dishes and laundry, sweeping the floor or virtually any housework at all, but when he comes home from work at 6:20, he barely has time to eat supper before the carpools and night duties need to start...
It wouldn't even be fair for me to ask him to help with housework...I would much rather he help with the baby and the kids in the limited time he has between his full time work/minyanim/carpools etc.
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amother
Acacia
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Sun, Jan 15 2023, 12:05 am
Here's what has to get done in my house today:
- Getting all the kids out the door, which involves helping two of them dress, doing hair for three, making lunches for two, taking one outside to his bus, and changing the baby's diaper, feeding her, and making sure she's not doing anything unsafe.
- Kid #1 needs to go to the dentist, and also needs help studying math and Tanach.
- Kid #2 needs a dentist appointment made, and also needs new clothing.
- Kid #3 needs glasses, we also need to make summer plans for her and look for a school for next year.
- Kid #4 needs to go to the library to pick up a book.
Meanwhile, when it comes to housework, what's needed is: 3 loads of laundry, 2 loads of dishes, cooking dinner, wiping down the counters, sweeping the floors, spot cleaning of bathrooms as needed, making the menu and grocery list for the next two weeks.
Did I mention there's a baby?
Oh, and our car is dying, so dh has been pretty busy looking for a new one.
So even with two of us:
I wake up with the baby at night, dh deals with most of the morning routine.
I take kid #1 to the dentist, making an appointment for kid #2 while there, help #1 with math until kids 4 and 5 get home, then take 4 and 5 to the library, come home and help get set up for dinner, run a couple loads of laundry, then spend 1.5 hours getting everyone to bed, then look into schools for dc #3.
Dh comes home, starts making dinner, takes the baby for half an hour, serves dinner, takes the baby for another hour while I do evening cleaning, studies Tanach with #1, cleans the kitchen as much as possible, looks for a new car, falls asleep in the middle of looking for a new car because he was up early for the morning routine.
... Notice that with all that, a lot of things aren't getting done? Glasses, new clothes, bathroom cleaning, the weekly menu, and summer plans for dc#3 will have to wait. (until tomorrow? but tomorrow one kid has therapy, another has an afterschool activity...)
... Also, that was the plan until the baby came down with a stomach virus. New plan: I do as much laundry and dishes as I can while dealing with a fussy baby, take dc#1 to the dentist, then frantically try to catch up on work while dh does whatever he can. Bedtimes, rinse, repeat.
tl;dr no need to fight, kids, there's plenty of work to go around.
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shabbatiscoming
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Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:00 am
| amother DarkCyan wrote: | I’m newly wed and I don’t have any kids, I’m not trying to be judgmental I only want to understand. Every time I see a post about mothers working cooking and cleaning, I wonder where are the men? I feel like because I’m not in this stage yet everyone understands something I don’t. Are the men out from 9-9?
To me, common sense would indicate that if wife works to bring in money, the housework is shared. This doesn’t seem to be the case, why? |
You are 100% correct. It doesnt make sense.
And I dont get it either.
I dont understand why men, in some communities are not taught to do things in the home.
I work full time as does my husband.
We share the load. There is nobody just sitting around. We both cone home tired but we do what needs to be done.
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Mayflower
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Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:17 am
The reality is that most men work longer hours then women. And they have minyan + learning.
In my case: I work 9-3 Monday-Thursday and yes, it absolutely feels like full-time.
In the morning, my husband also starts at 9 but he can't take care of the kids then since he has to go to shul (7:30 minyan). So I'm the default parent to get the kids ready for their day.
After work, I run an errand and pick up the younger kids from school/day care. Again, I am the default parent: my husband only comes home around 5:30 and usually leaves again at 6 for daf hayomi shiur and maariv (he usually catches a mincha at work).
By the time he comes home (around 7:30), the younger kids are in bed already. My husband didn't even eat supper yet, so he eats while I clean up the kitchen.
It's not that he doesn't help when he's home, it's just that during the week, he's rarely home when it's helpful. During the weekends we try to divide the tasks more evenly.
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amother
Jetblack
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Mon, Jan 16 2023, 4:29 am
| amother Mistyrose wrote: | Yes. This.
My husband is working every second that he's home. If I see him pick up a book and read it, it's a shock, because he's not busy for those few minutes. Except on Shabbos, when he will rest with a book/magazine if the kids are all occupied.
He wakes up at 5:30, goes to 6:15 minyan, commutes to work from 7:00 to 8:00. Works until 4:45. Then gets home around 6:00. Eats dinner, does bath and bedtime with the kids while I clean up from dinner. Then runs out at 8 with the older boys to maariv, night seder, gets home close to 10. At which point I'm showered and ready for bed (I have a baby who is up at night).
When exactly is he supposed to help?
He is ON all day Sunday unless he's working. But there are a lot of responsibilities. |
I wanna do shidduchim with a family like yours.
We are the same. All time before and after work and all Sunday long, we are ON cooking cleaning getting something done while occupying and interacting with the kids.
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amother
Peru
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Mon, Jan 16 2023, 4:49 am
| amother DarkCyan wrote: | I’m newly wed and I don’t have any kids, I’m not trying to be judgmental I only want to understand. Every time I see a post about mothers working cooking and cleaning, I wonder where are the men? I feel like because I’m not in this stage yet everyone understands something I don’t. Are the men out from 9-9?
To me, common sense would indicate that if wife works to bring in money, the housework is shared. This doesn’t seem to be the case, why? |
In my house: one baby, husband learning
We both wake up at 6:30. I take care of baby, he gets ready and goes to shul. He comes back at 8 and I go to work. He watches baby until 9:15 then takes him to daycare and goes to learn. During bein hasedarim he comes home and does chores (dishes, laundry, etc) sometimes he'll run errands that have to be done during the day
I pick up the baby at 4:00 and watch him, do the nighttime routine. After he goes to sleep I make supper then my dh comes home and we can eat and relax a little.
He goes back out to night seder and I'll straighten up.
This is with one kid and we're both working hard all day. He really puts in a lot and I appreciate it.
I can only imagine how much harder it gets with a bunch of kids, especially with less childcare arrangements.
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