At my WITS END | Imamother

amother

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 7:24 pm

My 18 month old cries himself to sleep every night!

I have been sleep training him for 4 months now and try as I might the magic hasn't worked.
He was a fully nursing baby for a long time, and I slowly weaned him off nursing and put him to sleep in a different bedroom with his older brother.

I tried various methods of sleep training and none of them worked. So, I transferred him to my spare bedroom with a noise machine and made it a little darker for him.

Yet, every day, for the last 2 months, this kid has been crying himself to sleep.
Sometimes, it lasts 10 minutes, and sometimes it can last for a half hour.
This isn't normal and I really am being consistent. But right now I am at a loss! Help, anyone?

yiddishmom

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 7:30 pm

I feel you, because I had a tough time with my first (he's three, and only within the past 2 months started going to sleep and staying asleep for the night on his own, bli ayan hara) and my second one, who is now 12 months, is still very reliant on me.

She obviously isn't ready. I was consistent for 3-4 days, but she shrieked so loudly every single time I tried putting her down or even giving her over to my husband. She had obvious signs of PTSD, so I stopped. It's tough, but too bad. I don't think it's right to make a little baby take a leap he/ she isn't ready for.

Appratenly, your child isn't either ready yet. How does your child sleep through the night?

If the problem is only the start of the night - maybe try putting him to sleep in your room and then transferring? It might exacerbate the issue though. Maybe then he'll wake up when you transfer him.

I don't really have true advice, since I'm apparently very incompetent in this area.

I hope you get better advice from others.

amother

Cognac

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 7:35 pm

maybe try putting on soft music?

amother

Violet

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 7:58 pm

Is he tired enough? Is the nap ending too late on some days?
Bathing before makes him calmer? Is there any pattern? 10 min is not fun, but fine... 30 can really make u question your sanity... Crying

#ibelieve

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 8:39 pm

take him to the doc and check if he has an ear infection. my kid had when I was trying to sleep train. its more painful at night.
good luck!

amother

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 8:59 pm

Im only here for my sanity!
He is veryyy tired, I make sure! Hes always after a bath! Was by the doc few days ago...
I literally tried everything. Im really starting to think its a PTSD thing!
Helloooo! That is not my type.... I dont believe in that really!

amother

Poinsettia

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 10:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

I'm going be blunt here.
If you ignore the obvious, and don't meet your child's basic emotional needs, be prepared to deal with the repercussions as he grows up.

Your his mommy, it's your job to take care of him.
He clearly needs your comfort. He doesn't have the tools to that himself. Poor baby.

the world's best mom

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 10:17 pm

I don't think it's fair to him to keep letting him cry. Obviously, it's not working. He's not developmentally ready to put himself to sleep. He needs help.

Can you stay with him, hold him, cuddle in bed with him, or something to comfort him while he is going to sleep?

(I feel like I should add a disclaimer that I wouldn't let my kid cry for even a few minutes, even one night. I am that crazy kind of mother.)

amother

Linen

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 10:18 pm

Did you try laying down on a bed in the room with him until he falls asleep?

amother

Coffee

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 10:20 pm

What's your bedtime routine like? Do you read books, sing songs etc...
Having a regular, consistent, relaxing bedtime routine can go a long way

amother

Vermilion

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 10:27 pm

I know it's not ideal but at that age I put them into the crib with a bottle, 7/8 water and the rest grape juice for a bit of sweetening. My kids all got weaned off the bottle at a bit of an older age. I found that since they were used to nursing for comfort before sleep, they need a substitue sucking tool.

mushkamothers

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 11:28 pm

amother OP wrote:

I dont believe in a lot of things but I know what my own eyes see.

You took a nursing baby, weaned him and then stuck him in a spare bedroom while sleep training? That's a huge transition. And it's not really fair if for most of his life things went one way and now they're a different way.

I still sit with all my kids, even the one turning 6, until they fall asleep. The toddler who nursed foreverrrr (turning 2 now) was finally weaned and I still put him down in my bed and then move him to his bed, and will graduate to his own room in the next few weeks.

Your child is a real person with real emotions. No matter what the book says or how much of your sanity you need. Listen to what he's communicating.

amother

Stonewash

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 11:36 pm

the world's best mom wrote:

Crazy? That you are an attentive mother and listen to your child's cues? Our babies are not able to self soothe. CIO is a dangerous practice that people use for their own needs

amother

Stonewash

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 11:38 pm

OP, just to clarify- you mentioned your 18 mo baby is crying for 10 mins sometimes up to an hour. Do you leave him for this whole time or youre going in to comfort him intermittently?

amother

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 11:50 pm

I highly disagree with many of you....
I am in fact laughing at this 'emotional needs' comments I am getting here. Dearies, crying is a healthy thing! (In decent amounts obv)
I am an overly caring mom and I believe I am trying to teach my child how to sleep out of kindness, rather than out of selfishness.

Let me explain, there is nothing more satisfying/gratifying than nursing a baby for this long.... I wish I couldve held onto it for longer.
Yet, you cannot argue that children become completely attached to their moms with nursing.
This was getting out of hand and I tried very slowly to wean him. (he wont take a bottle, for those of you that are suggesting...)

I have done this to my older children, as well at around 16-18 months. And have never had this... They slowly adjusted and after a few weeks slept very nicely.

I tried different methods, training him in my room, staying in the room, going in intermittently, Yes! even letting him cry it out without me- he's a stubborn mule.

I could continue to nurse him to sleep every night, what am I ultimately gaining? What is he gaining?

amother

Clover

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 11:52 pm

Of course crying is healthy, it's communication. Now the question is, what is he communicating, and what are you teaching him about what happens when he communicates?

amother

Ruby

Sun, Jan 15 2023, 11:56 pm

amother OP wrote:

You are laughing at the thought of your child having emotional needs?
You are calling an 18 mo old a stubborn mule?
Crying sometimes may be healthy but we don't go around making people cry.

Your son wants you. Are you going to continue to ignore his wails and shut him down? At what point do you listen to your child's cries?

You don't need to go back to nursing, but he needs your presence at this point. Maybe you can put a bed near the crib and lie down next to him and hold his hand until he falls asleep.

mfb

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 12:23 am

amother Poinsettia wrote:

Very well said!!!

You are teaching him you won’t be able to help him when he needs you!!

the world's best mom

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 8:40 am

amother OP wrote:

Yes, crying is healthy. It's the way a baby communicates his needs to his parents. It's also healthy when a parent responds by giving him what he needs. And yes, love and comfort are valid needs. Help falling asleep is a valid need.

amother OP wrote:

Let me explain, there is nothing more satisfying/gratifying than nursing a baby for this long.... I wish I couldve held onto it for longer.
Yet, you cannot argue that children become completely attached to their moms with nursing.
This was getting out of hand and I tried very slowly to wean him. (he wont take a bottle, for those of you that are suggesting...)

Yes, nursing creates a strong and wonderful attachment between mother and child. I nurse my kids until they are 2, and we are very attached. It's wonderful! They sleep in my bed, and we enjoy each other's company.

Are there hard times? Yes. It's not easy to always be there for another person. But the benefits are tremendous for both mother and child.

amother OP wrote:

I have done this to my older children, as well at around 16-18 months. And have never had this... They slowly adjusted and after a few weeks slept very nicely.

I tried different methods, training him in my room, staying in the room, going in intermittently, Yes! even letting him cry it out without me- he's a stubborn mule.

So it worked for your older kids. Great. I don't think it was in their best interests, but it worked so you accomplished what you wanted. But it's not working for him, and he is suffering every single night. He is crying out for help and being ignored, time and time again.

You said in your OP that you were consistent, but now you're saying you tried so many different methods and none of them worked. That is not consistent. That is changing your method every few days or however long.

amother OP wrote:

I could continue to nurse him to sleep every night, what am I ultimately gaining? What is he gaining?

This would be the best gift you can give both of you right now, although you shouldn't be questioning what you are gaining. If your baby gains, then that is enough reason to do it, no? Does it have to be better for you in order for you to do what's best for your child? (I know you already weaned him, but cuddling as he falls asleep can have the same benefits now.)

What are you both gaining? You are gaining a priceless bond with your child that you will remember for life. You will gain that time to connect with your child, feel his warmth, and remember how precious he is. And you will gain the knowledge that you are doing the best thing for your child because you love him and want only the best for him.

What would he gain? He would gain the most precious thing of all: the knowledge that his mother loves him and is there to help him fall asleep when he needs help. He would feel your warm arms around him and know that he will never be deserted because you love him.

amother

Navyblue

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 9:01 am

Op I get you
I don’t know what to advise you as I sleep train my babies much younger as it gets wayy harder when they get to this age
But I totally feel you and sympathize with you