At my WITS END | Imamother

amother

Pumpkin

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 9:26 am

amother OP wrote:

I highly disagree with many of you....
I am in fact laughing at this 'emotional needs' comments I am getting here. Dearies, crying is a healthy thing! (In decent amounts obv)
I am an overly caring mom and I believe I am trying to teach my child how to sleep out of kindness, rather than out of selfishness.

Let me explain, there is nothing more satisfying/gratifying than nursing a baby for this long.... I wish I couldve held onto it for longer.
Yet, you cannot argue that children become completely attached to their moms with nursing.
This was getting out of hand and I tried very slowly to wean him. (he wont take a bottle, for those of you that are suggesting...)

I have done this to my older children, as well at around 16-18 months. And have never had this... They slowly adjusted and after a few weeks slept very nicely.

I tried different methods, training him in my room, staying in the room, going in intermittently, Yes! even letting him cry it out without me- he's a stubborn mule.

I could continue to nurse him to sleep every night, what am I ultimately gaining? What is he gaining?

You're laughing? That your son has been crying himself to sleep, sometimes for up to an hour, for 2 months now? What is wrong with you?
It's not funny. He's a baby. He needs you. He doesn't need to put himself to sleep. He needs you to put him to sleep.
Yeah, crying may be healthy, depending on the situation. But leaving a baby 2 cry himself to sleep every night for 2 months, is NOT healthy. It's abuse.
I'm flabbergasted that you're so cavalier about it and laughing about babies emotional needs.

amother

Maroon

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 9:28 am

amother OP wrote:

Im only here for my sanity!
He is veryyy tired, I make sure! Hes always after a bath! Was by the doc few days ago...
I literally tried everything. Im really starting to think its a PTSD thing!
Helloooo! That is not my type.... I dont believe in that really!

You say you make sure he is "veryyy tired", that might be the problem. You can try putting him into bed before he is so overtired, overtired babies cry.

amother

Violet

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 12:35 pm

Uch.

I hate the way every sleep question turns in to mom blaming.

Stop saying if I can nurse and sleep with my baby until he's 2 so can you.
Obvs OP (and myself) can't, otherwise she would be doing it and not asking for questions.

Stop saying to lie down with every kid until they are 8. That is extremely ridiculous. With multiple kids bedtime would never end. Supper needs to be put away, laundry fold, simchas attended to, dh wants to half 15 min with his wife before seder etc.

amother

Poinsettia

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 12:42 pm

amother Violet wrote:

People have an issue that OP is LAUGHING at the THOUGHT that her BABY has emotional needs!!!

Basic emotional needs need to be met. Period.
If they are crying for extended periods of time for month on end, that is not happening.

No you don't attend simchas, fold laundry etc while your baby is screaming for you.

You chose to bring the baby Into this world.
The baby won't have long term effects if the Laundry isn't folded, there will be long term effects if their basic emotional needs aren't being met.

No one said you have to nurse them until their 2. You do have to make sure their needs are being met.

And definitely don't laugh about at their "needs".

amother

Violet

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 1:07 pm

amother Poinsettia wrote:

She wasn't laughing at their needs. She was laughing at the responses here.

I didn't say you should attend simchas while your baby is screaming, I said that the suggestions here don't begin to make sense. You cannot train your children that mommy will sleep near you until bar mitzva. Go re read and you will say how someone said it is normal to lay with a 6 year old.
And yes, someone else said that her baby sleeps with her till age 2, implying that OP should do that too.

I don't think anyone should be letting their baby cry, (my first post here said 30 min is too much) but the solutions given here by a bunch of individuals don't begin to make sense.

amother

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 2:16 pm

I really appreciate @Violet for sticking up for me... And actually for US, for the many of US who think kids need to be trained.
Just like you would toilet train them and not tell your kids that when they are "ready" they will do it on their own, so too, I am trying to train a kid who thinks he will sit in my arms all of his life.....'
I actually think I am a smart/normal person and the responses I got last night were kind of filled with hatred and disgust and putting-down.
At this point I am done with telling you how I calm him down, and how I comfort my child in knowing I am always there for him....
All I wanted was a little chizuk and advice as to how to proceed, for those of you who can relate to this. NOT from those of you who think you are, and will always be MUCH BETTER PARENTS!
May we always see siyatta dishmaya in our child rearing and may everyone find the glove that fits them in parenting.

All the best, moms of the world!
No more shaming here!

amother

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 2:48 pm

yiddishmom wrote:

OP, don't feel too bad. This is how it is on this site.

Take the good, and move on.

I don't feel bad. I'm very confident that along with my blessings, I was given the skills to be able to manage them....
I just didn't expect this!

Why is it this way? Everyone giving themselves out on ME, perhaps? Can't Believe It

amother

Stonewash

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 2:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

If you were confident you wouldn't have come for "chizuk" about doing something that isnt developmentally appropriate for an 18 mo baby. I dont know any sleep training experts that will say its appropriate to let a baby CIO for an hour

amother

Violet

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 2:53 pm

amother Stonewash wrote:

amother OP wrote:

Sometimes, it lasts 10 minutes, and sometimes it can last for a half hour. This isn't normal and I really am being consistent. But right now I am at a loss! Help, anyone?

amother

Poinsettia

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:00 pm

amother OP wrote:

What kind of responses did you think for calling your BABY a stubborn mule dor wanting your comfort?!

Someone has to stick up for the poor child because he obviously doesn't have the tools to do it himself.

Your right, Along with your beautiful blessings Hashem gave you the skills to manage them. You just have to be willing to!

Problem is, your not using your skills and instead expecting your blessing to manage it himself WITHOUT giving HIM the SKILLS.

amother

Ruby

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:01 pm

amother Violet wrote:

Letting a baby cry for 2 months every night doesn't make sense either.
People are saying what worked for them. No not every solution works for every child. That's why it's not a surprise when the youngest baby doesn't want to conform like his older siblings.
Training literally means that you don't do the same thing long-term so no, no one said put the baby in your bed till he's 8. Moms all over the world train their babies by staying with them at first until they're asleep and then slowly inching out of the room, step by step until the baby no longer needs Mom. Why is this so illogical and nonsensical?

amother

Denim

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:12 pm

My 2 year old is very difficult to put to sleep. What works sometimes is I read out loud while he screams, he slowly starts listening until he lays down. I guess listening to me reading is more fun than screaming.

I get you op. I never sleep trained, nursed to sleep until almost 2, yet still this kid just doesn't want to go to sleep. He refuses to nap, then falls asleep late afternoon sometimes, & regardless if he's overtired, just a little tired whatever, he screams like crazy. We do bedtime routine- he doesn't care.

amother

Goldenrod

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:45 pm

OP, I get it. I never did CIO but I parent my kids more or less the same and one would just never listen. He was wild, hit his siblings, made messes on purpose. And the limits I imposed on the other kids didn't work on him. The punishments and the threats that never failed with the others failed with him.

I am ashamed to say that I did a very poor job handling this blessing. I hit him. I locked him out of the house. I held him down on the floor. All to stop him from being violent or destructive.

I failed to recognize my own part of this: I was parenting him wrong.

It took me a long time but I read other books, learned to accept that I was making a mistake. Although IN GENERAL my parenting was fine for my other kids, these methods were backfiring on my son and escalating things instead of calming him. I was creating power struggles for no reason.

Now I am in the long process of trying to undo the damage. I apologize and reiterate that I did the wrong thing, not him.

He's a delightful young man today.

One of my youngest babies was impossible. He screamed all the time, slept terribly, and took up 80% of my day every day. I co-slept with him longer than any other child, because he needed it. He's now in a crib and sleeps through the night. Meeting his needs when he had them doesn't mean that he will never outgrow those needs.

OP, you are not treating your toddler any differently than the older children. That's fine. But there comes a point where we need to realize that if it's not working on a specific child, that's because it's the WRONG way for THAT child.

Your child is crying every night because this way is not working. Even though it worked well for all of the other kids.

And it isn't easy to admit that we need to change.