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How to plan my daughter's bas mitzvah? Please help



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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 2:56 am
Hi,

I'm hoping some of you here might have some advice. My daughter goes to a school that has a rule of no "friend" bas mitzvah parties. (They wanted to keep the stress and expense down for everyone and I respect and appreciate that.) Every month the bas mitzvah girls of that month have a joint party in school, and that's it.

Still, there are no rules about what families can do at home, and I need to figure out what to do. We live in Israel, most of my family lives in America. Probably my parents and one brother will fly in (he needs to be here anyway at that time) but it's not likely that any of the girls her age will be able to come. My husband doesn't have much family.

I DO have some more extended family here, but there isn't a huge crowd who feels relevant... More like a few Israeli cousins who MIGHT come (but I'd actually be embarrassed for some of them to come to a really small heimish event, because we don't spend time together normally--and none of them are girls her age) and several American cousins who are seminary girls/singles in their 20s here temporarily.

Oh and we don't really have a community. We made Aliyah three years ago but are still trying to find our place... I can't say we even have neighbors to invite.

What can of event can I make?

If it was just our own nuclear family, I'd feel like we'd take off somewhere like Tzfas for Shabbos (her birthday is on Shabbos) and call it a day. But with a few additions (my parents, some assorted cousins who might be willing to join) that both feels a little lame and also becomes logistically harder to arrange (can't just all fit in one air-bnb, and especially if I also don't want to pressure people to tell us right now whether their coming or not, more like invite and leave it up to them--just becomes a much more confusing thing to plan. And I feel like just hanging around in Tzfas would not be enough t justify bringing people all the way up there... It actually starts to sound like a nightmare to try and host).

So back to a motzei Shabbos or possibly weeknight event... What would this look like? Please help!

My daughter is an introvert and appreciates simplicity. I think she'd enjoy if we make a video for her because I know that's something they talk about in her class. But does not otherwise have high ambitions and in fact appreciates low-key and low-stress events. Still, it's gotta be SOMETHING. Advice/ideas? Anyone make a bas mitzvah with these kinds of constraints as far as attendees?

What do people do when families travel from America for their daughter's bas mitzvah? How do they celebrate the actual day? I feel like in some way that is the most similar to our situation.

Thanks!
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nicole81




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:14 am
For one of my kids I took her to a fancy restaurant that she always wanted to go to. They had a small party room to accompany our group. My dd did a whole menu tasting beforehand which made her feel like a princess. I hired a mobile photo booth company which made it more festive.

Personally, I wouldn't expect international family to fly in for my style bat mitzvah unless they wanted to visit anyway. The same goes for any low key event, as it's such a huge expense to travel.
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essie14




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:18 am
How about a day in Yerushalayim?
You can hire a tour guide and invite everyone who is here. Maybe your daughter can learn about one part in depth, such as the Churva shul, and she can give that part of the tour. And then take everyone out for lunch or dinner in Mamilla.
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myname1




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:20 am
I don't understand why you need to invite other people at all. Why not just do the family in Tzfas for Shabbos thing (with your parents if that works out) and enjoy the time together. It doesn't sound like the other additions would really enhance anything for dd. Maybe ask dd if that sounds nice to her?

Do her friends have tons of cousins to invite? What are their plans? If she'd like to do something with friends, maybe speak to the school about it. Maybe a special trip or activity with friends in honor of her bat mitzvah would be okay (given the fact that she has no other family here)? My dd's school has the "no friend party" rule, too. I mentioned it to someone else, and she said her dd's school lets friend parties because it's a school of mostly chutzniks and if they had no friends there, there'd be nobody there. So that's your situation. Maybe the school has tips/ideas, too. Good luck and mazel tov!
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:35 am
I don't know what's done in Israel, we had a melave malka with games
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amother
OP


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 3:45 am
Thank you everyone! This is really helpful.

To explain--my parents and brother want to fly in (they would want to visit anyway). I don't expect it of anyone, but I'm definitely not going to turn it down! I have another aunt also who wants to fly in, though she isn't sure if it will work out--she volunteered that on her own (and certainly imagines that there is an actual party on the other end...) So I sort of feel like I do have these expectations to contend with.

Along the same lines, if my mother is flying in for an event, it definitely feels like it would make sense to invite her nieces etc.! And yes my daughter would like these various cousins to attend (some of them... the same ones that I am comfortable with. Mainly it's the single young women and sem girls, not necessarily all my Israeli cousins that I hardly see--but how to draw the line?)

Most of my daughter's friends probably DO have lots of local cousins to invite, but they actually had a meeting with all the mothers in the beginning of the year explaining their reasoning and beseeching mothers to follow the rule (I guess in the past many didn't, and they can't really enforce what happens outside of school hours) and based on what the teacher said, how the "underground parties" really led to so much stress and bad feelings, I know myself that I don't want to try and get an exception--and especially that my daughter anyway much prefers a low-key event.

But thanks, these ideas are really good and getting me thinking! Please keep them coming.

Thank you!
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DrMom




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 4:08 am
Pretty awful that the school does not allow your DD to invite her friends to her bat mitzvah, when she has very few family members in E"Y.

I like the idea of a private tour in Yerushalayim, or Shiloh or someplace like that. Perhaps there is something about a particular place she'd like to learn in depth, and then she can act as "co-tour-guide" along with a professional to present her learnings to the family. If you do something in Tzfat, you can combine it with some fun in the area (hiking, outdoor fun, etc.).
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amother
Cappuccino


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 4:17 am
My daughter's school here in Israel has the same rule.

When she had her bat mitzvah we had a party in the house for whatever friends and family we did have in Israel to invite. For dessert, we had an ice cream bar with all different kinds of ice cream, all toppings, cones, bowls, syrups, etc. and while her friends from school couldn't come, we invited her friends from the building/block/shul/etc.
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Iymnok




 
 
    
 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 4:56 am
Ask her mechanechet. My niece was allowed 3 girls from the class.
My daughters had some friends come help set up, then she gave them some special things we prepared.
Generally it’s a slideshow, an activity, a meal and a speech or two. Sometimes the father comes in to speak.
DH took my boys to kever Rochel and out for pizza (I think), maybe they went to visit someone or to the Kotel for the other?
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amother
Blushpink


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 8:04 am
Can you do a chesed project and have the emphasis be on the mitzvah part rather than on the party aspect? Take a group to Pantry Packers or something similar and then go out to eat?

I have a daughter who wanted a small party with just her closest friends and family. She did not want to her dress up all fancy and have loud music/dancing. She wanted to do a fun, casual activity and we wanted to emphasize the mitzvah aspect. We ended up arranging to do a cooking class in a local cooking school and to donate the food to Tomchai Shabbos. I wish I could tell you how it all turned out, but it was 2020 and we had to cancel due to covid. But maybe our idea can inspire something for you.
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amother
Babypink


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 8:16 am
What about a Melava Malka at home
Set up buffet style
Different pastas, salads, rolls, coffee/tea/hot cocoa statation, soup in a crockpot.
Is there a Gemach to get pretty platters and real cloth table cloth
Have your DD prepare a story
Lightning candles for Tzadikim
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amother
Viola


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 9:22 am
One of my daughters sounded similar to this. We made a beautiful (almost over the top beautiful) dinner on the day of her birthday in our house - customized items with her name on them, gorgeous flowers, fancy menu which we cooked ourselves. But Had just our family plus grandparents. Treated it like a formal party, everyone in shabbos clothes etc. my husband spoke and I made a video. It was beautiful and perfect for her.
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amother
Daphne


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 8:04 pm
Similar situation here except I'm in the US. I actually love the no classmates policy because I have seen how it can get out of hand, there are kids who will be jealous of those who have better parties, there's a pressure to spend money you might not have on an event big enough for the whole class. I wish there were bar mitzvah policies like this too, my boy is getting to that age soon and I'm dreading the expense and energy it will take.

DD is adamant that she wants a party, not a special trip or family thing. Even though it will be a small handful of nieces and non-school friends. I'm not sure why she's so insistent on this because she's not really a party person anyway. She doesn't like music, dancing, or speeches. I guess we'll do an arts n crafts of some kind, some eating, and...? Is that it?

We made a list of who to invite and it's too many people to fit in my living room and not enough to rent a hall for. Of course. Can't Believe It
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amother
Daphne


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 8:06 pm
amother Blushpink wrote:
Can you do a chesed project and have the emphasis be on the mitzvah part rather than on the party aspect? Take a group to Pantry Packers or something similar and then go out to eat?

I have a daughter who wanted a small party with just her closest friends and family. She did not want to her dress up all fancy and have loud music/dancing. She wanted to do a fun, casual activity and we wanted to emphasize the mitzvah aspect. We ended up arranging to do a cooking class in a local cooking school and to donate the food to Tomchai Shabbos. I wish I could tell you how it all turned out, but it was 2020 and we had to cancel due to covid. But maybe our idea can inspire something for you.

Curious where this cooking school is and how much they charge for such a thing. Sounds cool!
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amother
Blushpink


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 8:23 pm
amother Daphne wrote:
Curious where this cooking school is and how much they charge for such a thing. Sounds cool!


https://www.apronmasters.com/
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amother
Junglegreen


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 8:33 pm
I would go with a melave malka. Serve a nicer menu and have a paint party. There are people who come with all the supplies and make it into a whole thing or you can get all the materials on your own.

Going away for shabbos can be really nice but like you say can get complicated
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amother
Mint


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 8:53 pm
If you want an activity that's meaningful and small, maybe book the breads of the bais hamikdash workshop in Karnei Shomron.
https://www.jewishbakingcenter.....kdash
Bring your family, your grandparents and the local seminary girls etc who you want. Then when you're done, you can have a special family dinner or Shabbos. If dd likes kids, have the block kids over and have her run or co-run an amein party.
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amother
Blushpink


 

Post Mon, Jan 16 2023, 9:29 pm
How about a mezuzah workshop?

https://urikalfa.com/pages/wel.....hop-1
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Roots




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Jan 17 2023, 3:36 am
im in the same boat as you- same school policy
shes almost 11 I have no idea what ill do with her
kever rochel is a very special idea
kotel tunnel tours are amazing if you never went yet
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