Being positive without being fake

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 6:50 pm

I’ve known a few mothers who have a very serene energy about them. The kinds who answer calmly and effortlessly when their kids run up and scream about their brother hitting them or stealing their lolly. The kinds who have problems and just say “Baruch Hashem!” The kinds who sit with a smile on their face while chaos is flying around them. I’ve only met a few like that, but I want to know their secret. Do I lack Emunah, or gratitude? Am I just angry and easily flustered? Why do I feel like I’m always snapping at my husband and kids, when I so badly want to sound warm and loving. I heard myself on a birthday party video and was appalled. Sounding so terse and rude to my own kids. How do I start changing this about myself? Whenever I try, I feel like it comes across as so fake and my kids see right through it . Like I’m acting and not actually parenting. Does that make sense?

amother

Mayflower

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 7:06 pm

Are you me?!?!

amother

Antiquewhite

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 9:06 pm

And here's another one of us

amother

Hotpink

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 9:20 pm

I'm also like you - thing is I know some mothers like the ones you're describing and I actually see them as fake. Their kid is sitting on the floor screaming that they want a lollipop and they're all like it's ok tzadekel in this high pitched voice). And I don't actually see their kids as happier, less anxious or better well behaved so I've convinced myself it's not worth the effort. Maybe it's the cynic in me. Confused

amother

Caramel

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 9:27 pm

Fake it until you make it. Your kids will thank you years later even if it looks or feels fake. If they comment then you can mention that you're trying really hard to be positive etc.

amother

NeonPurple

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 9:39 pm

I think some of them are on medication and that's how they stay so calm.

Throw the tomatoes but I know a LOT of people on high dose meds in order to function.

Others have just mastered the art of not letting things bother them. I'm sure through a lot of inner work.

amother

Firethorn

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 9:53 pm

Humans just aren’t built that way. Hashem made us with a range of emotions and a limited amount of patience and abilities. To me it sounds like they are all drugged or all beaten into submission. Healthy kids don’t act like that, they act human.

amother

Outerspace

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 10:57 pm

This is called toxic positivity. It's actually healthier to allow yourself (or your child) to feel the pain.

amother

Blue

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 11:02 pm

I’m more like you. But I do see moms who stay calm and are not drugged up.
I’ve come up with a few possible scenarios: they have better coping skills, either innate or learned.
They take very very good care of themselves so they have more patience and emotional energy for their kids.
They have excellent role models.
They do lots of positive self talk.

Should I continue?

amother

Diamond

Mon, Jan 16 2023, 11:04 pm

Eww. My neighbor is like this and it's so so phony. In reality she yells at her kids all the time. I'm next door so I know. Like really loud. And her kids are wild and out of control. And in public she uses this sugar sweet voice and says creepy things like how this is what Hashem wants. I think she is the most invalidating person ever. Yes I'm being judgy. Just be normal. Laugh stuff off yes, but acknowledge reality.

imaima

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 12:37 am

amother Diamond wrote:

I was going to start a thread about it but I am lazy
I so hate this toxic positivity in frum circles. It is extremely invalidating and fake. You don’t dare complain! You don’t dare to be upset about anything ever! Unbelievable. Then they are surprised why marriages end in divorces. When noone is used to receiving and showing compassion and empathy then what do you expect?

amother

Firethorn

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 12:43 am

amother Blue wrote:

I don’t believe they are like that 24/7 at home. We all know those who put on a show in public.

amother

Blue

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 1:11 am

amother Firethorn wrote:

I don’t believe they are like that 24/7 at home. We all know those who put on a show in public.

24/7 is impossible.
But they are like that a huge percentage of the time.
I have great respect for these women.

I’m not like that, but it’s the cynic in me if I’d think it’s fake.

Fake positivity exists, but let that not discount the real positive ppl.

amother

Diamond

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 10:51 am

I think people tend to feel out what is real and what is phony.

I think women who express frustration or overwhelm in a positive way are normal. When kids act nuts, it makes sense to feel discomfort. Good role models express themselves in a positive way that don't hurt their kids.

So if a kid is throwing food over the hi-chair for the billionth time, its normal to stop them and smush their cute cheeks and kiss their belly say with a smile How many times can a Mommy pick up chicken off the floor.

Its not normal to say fake oozy sweet stuff like Hashem will help us clean up. Boruch Hashem we have soooo much food. Hurray.

amother

Ultramarine

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 11:02 am

Im not exactly like this but I work on myself to be like this and BH im slowly getting there.

I deal with this day by day minute to minute I try not to look at the situation as a whole overwhleming situation.

I constantly think how its not their fault im tired and they deserve to have a calm mother EVEN if im super exhausted and pregnant. I always try to speak calmly to them

I have a big blinking sign in my head "If Im calm then theyre calm" and its totally true. even if they are moody now, If I stay calm then they calm down

Play Music! My kids instantly are much calmer and then I am able to be calmer

Validate validate validate! The kids feel way more understood and like your on their team.

I sometimes sit on the floor when they play toys. Sometimes I lean against the wall and close my eyes but they love when I sit next to them

My kids tantrum way less, they share toys and are much calmer since I started doing all these things

Dont worry I let it out on DH later bcz im just so zonked and it all needs to go somewhere Sad

amother

Pearl

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 11:07 am

My sister is like this "O tzadik, don't throw spit balls at people's furniture cause you are such a tzadik" in her annoying little voice. Meanwhile she has terrible executive functioning skills and on the spectrum. So while she never yells at her children it is because she has no real order to her life and so whatever happens happens. Only once in awhile does she lose her cool if one kid hurts the other.

amother

Ultramarine

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 11:11 am

I dont say tzaddikel and baruch hashem every other word lol I just always try to speak calmly

No I am not on meds and I do not have issues just that my mom got stressed very often and I hated it

Yes I am human and it happens that I let it out on them

Yes my house is flying but I try to let it go. my sanity comes first

tichellady

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 11:41 am

I don't know anyone like this

mha3484

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 11:48 am

I think its personality. Hashem gave me 3 beautiful children that are a real handful but he also gave me a really easy going personality. I don't stress out so easily. It takes a lot to make me angry and yell. My 8 year old had a full on meltdown over his pants today, I could have managed it better but also it could have been way worse based on what I read here and on facebook groups. I am not a tzadekes but I probably naturally fall into the 80/20 rule without even trying because its just the personality hashem gave me.

amother

Honeysuckle

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 11:57 am

So I am not a sweetie pie mother and fake at all, but I am (most of the time, at least) a very calm mother. I almost never yell or stress out. But, it took lots and lots of inner work to get there. I used to be very easily frustrated, and lose myself too quickly. It took a very challenging child, who literally brought the worst out of me, to be the wakeup call I needed.

Hatzlocha on your journey!

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