Being positive without being fake

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Yolk

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 11:59 am

I'm taking the sod haadam course. It really teaches you in a deep way how to feel calm and expand your heart to help you and your children feel safe and understood. I see a big difference in my children's behavior doing this work. B"h!

mikayla18

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 12:02 pm

amother NeonPurple wrote:

I think some of them are on medication and that's how they stay so calm.

Throw the tomatoes but I know a LOT of people on high dose meds in order to function.

Others have just mastered the art of not letting things bother them. I'm sure through a lot of inner work.

Lol like the 1950s...mommy's little happy pills and special tonic

mazeltov613

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 12:08 pm

I’m really loving this thread. Honestly it’s been the hardest part of parenting for the last 10.5 years. My children are all high strung and big personalities and I am not by nature a very calm person. I have learned through my challenging children to try to stay calm as much as possible. It can be a tornado sometimes. It’s like the mashal of the captain of the airplane- if the captain freaks out because there is turbulence all the passengers will freak out. But if the captain remains calm and in control, the passengers will have more confidence in it passing and landing safely.

Part of this process is removing yourself from your child’s behavior and realizing that regardless of how they behave, the dictates of my role as a mother are to respond calmly and be in control of my own reactions. Literally the hardest avodah. It’s both a mindset shift and learning skills to get you through the crazy moments. It’s not the same of being fake, it’s being in control.

amother

Chartreuse

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 12:30 pm

Learning to avoid power struggles was a real shift for me. When you give up trying to control others' behavior, including your kids, there's nothing to get angry or dramatic about.

With that said, we still have our triggers and we're still human. But for me, learning to avoid power struggles was a massive shift.

amother

Moonstone

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 12:46 pm

I am like this too and I really think it's just a nature thing.

I don't believe every calm person is on medication lol

The best things that have literally changed my life (not overnight, and not drastically right away but gave me a 180 on my mindset and setting goals) was Perel Abramowitz shiur on Torah anytime (and then I took her parenting class but really that first class was WOW aha moment for me

https://www.torahanytime.com/#.....51463

actually picked this class up from this site.

and then reading the book "Growing with my children" by Sarah Shapiro - it's out of print but you must get your hands on a copy.
Its not a parenting book, just a mothers diary going through the challenges of raising her brood as she tries to work on staying calm.

It was the most validating inspiring book I have ever read. It made me feel happy to have this special role mothering (something I've struggled with appreciating) and encouraged me to allow the ups and downs of growing come as they come and get back on the bandwagon when I've gone through weeks and months of yelling and negativity.

I can honestly say that with very very hard work I can see that my anger threshold has gone up (or down - the good way)

Self talk (from perl abramowitz) "you're safe, you'll be okay, this is ok". worked on that alot - the beginning feels fake and hard and you;re biting your mouth off but it becomes more and more real more easy to say.

I've ben very open with my kids about me working on calming down since they are also all big motors and seem to have dramatic emotions like myself. I am so grateful to HKBH that I am working on this now, and helping my children work on it at ages 8, 7 , 4 and even my 2 year old! I hope that I am giving them tools that by the time they're my age they'll be light years ahead of me!

amother

Moonstone

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 12:55 pm

Just as a chizzuk story...

I used to always joke that whoever made up the quote "don't cry over spilled milk" was obviously not a mother. And for sure not a working mother who was trying to get everyone out of the house in the morning including herself.

Spills were so hard for me. Even water spills but for sure milk, OJ (the worst!!)

It bothered me so much that I could fly into a rage over something so dumb. I tried so many times telling myself this is a test! Before I was born the plan was that this monday morning my kid would spill this! I'm being tested.

Or I would try "tomorrow I won't remember this"

and sometimes it helped but honestly it really made me mad especially if it spilled because someone was being silly and not careful or someone left the milk bottle open.

I even read in Spare the Child (by yechiel yaakovson - another great parenting book) a story about a girl who saw her friends mother fly into a rage over something spilled. And she was so thankful that she had a normal mother who wasn't crazy angry.
I cried and cried when I read that story. That's me! Even though I'm also fun and happy I can also get angry. I was so sad.

but I have slowly been working on myself in this area. Tons of self talk, validating myself, congradulating myself every time I'm calm, saying (out loud) it's ok you'll be ok this is ok.

and just yesterday my 5 and 2 year old were being super crazy hyper and the 5 year old poured herself a cup of milk which she's not supposed to do. it spilled a little and I said ok we'll clean it up. As I went to get a towel the 2 year old turned the ENTIRE FULL UNCOVERED BOTTLE upside down and watched in glee as a white pool formed on the kitchen table and ran down the chairs and the floor.

I picked him up and said "no. we don't spill milk. you need to stay in your crib until it's cleaned" put him in his crib and used every towel to clean it up.

I did not get angry. I said Thank you Hashem, this is from you I accept it with love.

I'm not on medications. I'm not being fake. This is real. Real hard work. And if you're my neighbor reading this and you hear me scream at my kids sometimes it doesn't make the times I speak soft and sweet fake.

Lots of Hugs. This is our avoda and if you're focused and you daven like a mad woman you will see progress!!

amother

Cappuccino

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 1:03 pm

amother Pearl wrote:

My sister is like this "O tzadik, don't throw spit balls at people's furniture cause you are such a tzadik" in her annoying little voice. Meanwhile she has terrible executive functioning skills and on the spectrum. So while she never yells at her children it is because she has no real order to her life and so whatever happens happens. Only once in awhile does she lose her cool if one kid hurts the other.

I know someone like this. Her kids always misbehaved and hurt others. Showing up in dirty clothes, urinating in the middle of a public sandbox etc. But her kids didn’t eat sweets and watch cartoons, so she was way above all of us ordinary mothers who let their kids watch cartoons from time to time to have a functional household.

mikayla18

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 2:26 pm

amother Moonstone wrote:

I told my husband when I was killing myself daily to pump for my baby that this was the stupidest quote ever. "Don't cry over spilled milk" it's not the milk, it's the effort and time you spent preparing it (even cereal lol) and the time you now have to clean it up and in my case, the pain from pumping as well. You're allowed to cry/be upset about whatever you want lol but I also try so hard to focus on the situation and not zero in on the baby ie the 2 year old in your situation isn't a "bad" 2 year old. It's just an annoying situation...that usually helps me refocus and not be angry at them.

amother

Turquoise

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 3:51 pm

It’s really not about being fake. It’s the long and hard work that it takes to be conscious of our reactions towards our kids. The first step is educating yourself by listening to parenting classes. Absorb the information and after that review and review it daily until it becomes part of what you do.

BH Yom Yom

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 4:22 pm

I need this thread today. Thank you OP!!

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 4:34 pm

amother Ultramarine wrote:

Im not exactly like this but I work on myself to be like this and BH im slowly getting there.

I deal with this day by day minute to minute I try not to look at the situation as a whole overwhleming situation.

I constantly think how its not their fault im tired and they deserve to have a calm mother EVEN if im super exhausted and pregnant. I always try to speak calmly to them

I have a big blinking sign in my head "If Im calm then theyre calm" and its totally true. even if they are moody now, If I stay calm then they calm down

Play Music! My kids instantly are much calmer and then I am able to be calmer

Validate validate validate! The kids feel way more understood and like your on their team.

I sometimes sit on the floor when they play toys. Sometimes I lean against the wall and close my eyes but they love when I sit next to them

My kids tantrum way less, they share toys and are much calmer since I started doing all these things

Dont worry I let it out on DH later bcz im just so zonked and it all needs to go somewhere Sad

How old are your kids?
Are they little?

amother

Chocolate

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 4:40 pm

Love this thread.

Because it makes me feel so validated, thank you.

Im not fake and I dont talk in a sugary voice.
I shout at my kids, (sorry neighbours) I actually have a hard time sometimes, keeping it together and NOT shouting when were out the house.

I feel horrible about it but I lit cant fake it.
I feel like a [gentile] sometimes.
Theres enough going on and I dont bash myself.

Also my mother never ever shouted at us.
Dont davka think it was a good thing.

amother

Ultramarine

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 4:48 pm

amother Chocolate wrote:

How old are your kids?
Are they little?

Yes theyre 4 and 2

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