Girls approaching puberty - school vs. parents

amother

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 11:07 pm

Our school, along with many others, has the custom of talking to the class at the right time to explain the hashkafa and biology of their body and the changes it will be going through. Our school also had a great parent education night, helping guide us as mothers on how to talk to our girls so that they should hear from us first. So why do they need to hear it again from the school? We are teaching them that's it's private, but isn't talking about it as a class together cheapening that message? And what is the point of them hearing again from the teacher anyway?

What if the school helps guide parents on an individual level to talk their own girls in private? Any parent who is struggling with it or who has a special circumstance, the school can help them through it. But why is the school doing it for them?

BrisketBoss

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 11:26 pm

I don't think the subject is private. Not every forum is appropriate for it. And your personal puberty experiences may be private to you but the facts of life are not personal and not private.

amother

Denim

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 11:34 pm

Because some mothers for some crazy reason never talk to their daughter. And then the daughter thinks she is dying when she sees blood and is too embarrassed to come out of the bathroom. And the teachers at school need to go into the bathroom to see what happened to the girl hysterically crying in there.

It should be the parents job. It is unfortunate that the schools have to do this. But some mothers are too uncomfortable. I feel really bad for girls who can't ask their mother questions.

amother

Lightpink

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 11:42 pm

Its best for parents to tell their children so there is open communication and its not taboo between mother/daughter.

However it is also important to make sure that every girl got the info as there are very often moms who are embarrassed or unsure how to give over the info and push off until it's too late.

(I actually think another benefit of saying it in school is that it shows the girls that this is 100 percent normal and they're all in the same boat... )

amother

Brown

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 11:43 pm

Because some parents are uncomfortable talking about these things to their kids. And because some girls are uncomfortable talking to their mothers and asking questions. Nobody is doing anything wrong. Sometimes, it's just easier to have a sensitive conversation with a person who is not your relative.

amother

Mayflower

Tue, Jan 17 2023, 11:47 pm

I think it’s good to hear from both. This way it’s given over by 2 people and if one does a bad job you have the other. Also different kids will be more comfortable in different settings, for some school setting is better and for some home. You cover all bases this way.

amother

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 12:03 am

These are all great points. When I am questioning why the school needs to talk to the girls as well, I would want that to go hand in hand with the school working closely with the mothers to ensure a) every parent spoke to their child and b) they feel comfortable and equipped to do so.

amother

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 12:05 am

I realize that I probably should have prefaced by saying that this is an ultra orthodox school. We view the beauty of a girl's transformation into becoming a women as a beautiful yet private matter. Not inappropriate, but private. No one needs to know when u got your period or when you start wearing a bra, etc.

amother

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 12:07 am

amother Denim wrote:

Right, so the school should make sure that the mothers feel comfortable talking to their daughters. They should check with each one to make sure their daughter was spoken to. Of course no child should be left to find out on their own!

amother

Honey

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 12:10 am

It’s not realistic for them to check with every mother. There’s only so much time in the day.

And by them teaching the functions of our body so girls understand what’s happening they are not sharing when the girl actually got her period or put on a bra.

amother

Chambray

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 12:54 am

don't forget about widowed fathers out there who are uncomfortable asking their mothers or sisters to talk to their daughters about these issues and who absolutely refuse to discuss with their daughters themselves. Explaining periods is a few steps more intense than taking her to try on bras when the father doesn't even go into the dressing room.

And even when there is a mother---- she might wait too long. My daughter got her period at TEN. TEN! That was NOT common back in the 80's! LUCKILY I had had the talk with her when she was 8 and 9 because it was clear she was ready to learn and I wanted her to know asap.

I've heard of girls in even very frum high schools getting pregnant. Birth control needs to be a discussion even when abstinence is of course the goal. The school should be on board with that discussion and it shouldn't come from just the parents, in my opinion. That way no girl is singled out as being likely to experiment. CHAS V'SHALOM, rape is also a concern--- if your daughter is raped CHAS V'SHALOM she needs to know WHAT just happened to her and how it can lead to pregnancy or diseases--- she needs to know a lot more than we'd WANT to teach.

essie14

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 2:31 am

Puberty is part of biology. Biology is taught in school, hence puberty is taught. In my school we learned about what happens to girls and boys, in biology class.
It's not the school's responsibility to follow up with every single parent to make sure the parents told their daughters about puberty. It's the school's responsibility to teach about it in a classroom setting.
It should be completely normalized.

Elfrida

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 4:50 am

I don't think this needs yo be parents vs school. I think the school is trying to work together with the parents, to make sure the girls get clear and accurate information about their body, infused with the hashkafa,that the school can present and the parents build upon the way they want.

DustyDiamonds

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 6:00 am

OP,

If you have a method of making sure your school ascertains that every mother is doing her job properly, Kol HaKavod! In that case, I wish your daughter had been my classmate, so you could’ve made sure that my mother was a decent parent!!!

Unfortunately, there are many mentally ill mothers like mine, who can pass themselves off as fairly normal in public.

Thankfully, there are schools! I shudder to think of who I would be if my mother had raised me in an era when girls attending school was uncommon!

amother

Cyclamen

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 6:16 am

I think it is amazing that the school give the girls a maturation class. Even if the kids laugh their way through it. Even if the teacher and/or the kids are embarrassed. It gives the girls that may not get another opportunity a chance to be aware. However, they shouldn't wait until the girls turn 12. That's too late for many girls.
In addition, I answer my kids' questions when they ask so they knew about periods early. Which is good because one daughter started menstruating before her 10th birthday.
I see no problem with both the parents teaching and the school teaching the girls.

amother

Olive

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 10:30 pm

I wish my girl’s school would speak to them because honestly I have a hard time. I definitely explained to my girls about getting a period and how to use pads… I let them know it’s a good thing because this makes them officially be a woman and that means they can get married when they are older. I know I don’t do a good job so I really wish the school would help out.
To the schools credit they had an optional meeting for mothers in the beginning of 6th grade explaining that this year we should expect a lot of changes in our daughters both physically and emotionally… the speaker spoke about introducing deodorant.. making sure clothing not form fitting now that their bodies are changing… about healthy friendships at this age… but nothing about periods.
I think it’s good if your girl’s school is able to explain things.

amother

SandyBrown

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 10:49 pm

amother OP wrote:

No, it is absolutely not the school's obligation to make sure every mother is comfortable with it. How should they go about it exactly? Hire someone to counsel every mom individually? That is totally not within the purview of a school and not something they should be spending money on. Let them focus on math and chumash.
Personally, my mom did not tell me about periods. My school had a women come one day in grade 6 and give a talk to the whole class and that is how I learned about it. And considering that my family has a history of early periods (around 10), my mom is darn lucky that I didn't get my period until I was 14.

Even if the school had hired someone "to make sure the mothers feel comfortable" my mom probably would have bluffed her way through and pretended she was comfortable with it and would do it.