11 year old, gentle parenting?

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 9:09 am

Hi.

My kid is 11 years old and I'm very lost on how to parent him. He has issues including ADHD and struggling in school. He is very sensory.

This morning while he was getting dressed I was bending down in his room and my back was exposed and he touched me. I was very upset and told him I am going out of the room. This was after he was taking a while to put on his underpants, which what really bothers me.

He reacted by telling me that he is so sorry and he wants me to come back in. He called out to me about 20 times.

I told him that it's disrespectful to touch someone without permission and it's disrespectful to continue calling me in after I said I am not coming in this morning.

Now I came into his room to tell him the time and he quickly started getting dressed. As soon as I left he stopped.

It's definitely a control game and I don't really know what to do. But there's also him feeling very rejected and unforgivable even though I told him I forgive him.

This is not the kind of parenting I want to do but also I don't want him to think he can take advantage of me or anyone else in any kind of way.

Any advice?

mha3484

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 9:11 am

I have had a lot of success with the method from the book the explosive child. Its called collaborative problem solving.

imaima

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 9:57 am

amother OP wrote:

I am flabbergasted

If my child did it, and I have a similar aged son, I would give him a hug, because I would assume that he craves physical touch and reaches out. I would ask him if he wants to cuddle with me more often. Etc

Your reasoning is so twisted

StrongMomma

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 10:17 am

Her reasoning is not twisted, she’s just triggered.
OP I understand the feeling of reacting strongly to my child touching me, and I have a lot of compassion for you.

I think you can repair with him and explain why you reacted that way (you don’t like when people touch that part of your body and it feels very uncomfortable for you) and ask him if he might have been feeling like he needs some touch, like a hug or back rub. Explain to him that the next time he feels that he can ask you directly, and that if he accidentally does something like that again, you’ll try to react more calmly and remind him of a better way to get what he needs.
Assure him that he didn’t do anything bad, but since that doesn’t work for you, this is a solution that feels better.

amother

Tanzanite

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 10:21 am

I’m really confused here your son is allowed to touch you. If you didn’t like it just say please don’t touch me without permission next time. Poor kid

tichellady

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 10:23 am

I really like dr becky. she has podcasts, a book and classes you can pay for. I find her ideas to make a lot of sense

amother

Valerian

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 10:25 am

I don't think he did something that required that reaction. And he even showed remorse. Separately maybe work on a reward system for getting dressed and doing things on his own, since nothing else is working.

amother

NeonGreen

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 10:29 am

Some sensory kids are constantly touching and it can be inappropriate. These kids need to learn boundaries of where and when they can touch. I understand you op. It can be very annoying when your son touches you. My adhd 8 year old is constantly touching he doesn't understand people's need for space and it makes us all crazy.

giftedmom

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 10:50 am

You seem to be prescribing specific motives and thought processes to his behavior that may not be and probably aren’t accurate.
Were you physically/sxually abused?
You need to work on your own triggers to parent your son effectively. He is not your enemy and isn’t taking advantage of you.

sequoia

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 10:54 am

Eeeeek

You do realize this is a little child — and you’re his mommy?

You’re reacting like it was some random guy on the subway.

amother

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 11:05 am

Did you all miss that I was bending down and he touched my skin on the bottom half of my back? That is a vulnerable position to be in and to be touched without warning.

I do have some trauma around touch. I'm aware.

I did reassure him and explain to him that I have been touched inappropriately and my body reacts a little out of proportion.

giftedmom

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 11:13 am

amother OP wrote:

You did not need to put that on him. He is a child. He didn’t need to know that.
You can’t parent from a triggered place. The two don’t go together. This has nothing to do with a specific parenting modality and everything to do with your trauma.

mommyla

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 11:13 am

Your reaction seems disproportionate, and IMHO it’s inappropriate to tell him that you were touched inappropriately. You can tell him that you’re sensitive to touch and apologize for overreacting.

amother

Seafoam

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 12:30 pm

If you're asking about what to do next time, just walk out of the room, and after, when you're calm tell him you prefer not to be touched in places where your body is usually covered.
Him calling you a bunch of times was not disrespectful.
I don't think you need to stay in his room while he's getting dressed... it seems to be upsetting you how fast or slow he is going.
You did nothing wrong, you tried your best, you can apologize.
I do it all the time and I see that it helps me and also my children so much.

Say I'm sorry about this morning, I love you so much, give him a compliment, at this point you don't need to say more since you already said enough. Also maybe tell him that from now on you will go out of his room when he's getting dressed and wait for him in the kitchen with breakfast when he's done.

imaima

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 1:10 pm

amother OP wrote:

Are you capable of meeting his desperate need for touch? I find it very respectful how he apologized and asked for your presence. Why can’t you give him what he wants?

amother

NeonGreen

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 1:36 pm

I'm wondering if those of you that are criticizing op have children with adhd. It is very challenging!

justforfun87

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 1:55 pm

I think as stated this is something you need to work out. It isn't a red flag for an 11 year old to touch their mother unless s-xual. Touching a back does not fall under that. Do you hug him? He may need affection from you.

giftedmom

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 2:08 pm

amother NeonGreen wrote:

I'm wondering if those of you that are criticizing op have children with adhd. It is very challenging!

Uh, yes!
This has nothing to do with adhd and everything to do with ops trauma

mommyla

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 2:15 pm

amother NeonGreen wrote:

I'm wondering if those of you that are criticizing op have children with adhd. It is very challenging!

I do. A few of them, including very "touchy" ones. Yes, it's challenging, but this is more about OP than her son.

amother

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 3:03 pm

I touch him and hug him all the time. He isn't missing touch. Not sure where that even comes in. If a child doesn't get hugged they will start exploring your body? That is just weird.

Anyways, I feel confident about the way I handled it under the circumstances.

He completely bounced back and me telling him that I was touched inappropriately did help him. I reassured him multiple times and he went back to his sunny self 🌞

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