When you feel very different then your kids classmates

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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children

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mha3484

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 2:11 pm

I am having a a hard time with this scenario and maybe the wise ladies of imamother can give me some advice. I also have reached out to some mentors in person but actually Id like an opinion from someone who is not directly involved. If you know me in real life please understand that I am not judging anyone I am a real live and let live type. But this is a real concern of mine and I am expressing my feelings so I can come to a place of clarity on this issue.

Some background info.

1) I live in a large OOT community I am very happy to be nicely in the middle of the parent body of my boys school. There are a lot to the left of me and a lot to the right and it works great.

2) I would say income wise I am in the lower bracket for now but even if that changes, I have zero interest in keeping up with anyone. Its just not my personality.

3) We have a what I think is dumb rule that your kids class from 1st-8th does not change so I feel a lot of pressure to make this decision now while my son is in pre1a because some kids change around for 1st but after that its locked in.

My dilemma:

I feel like income wise my sons class is overall on a significantly higher standard then mine will ever be. I will never be able to keep up nor do I want to. The other mothers seem like really nice people but just really different then what I am used to. This was confirmed by a friend of mine who knows the parents in this class really well. I have two other boys who have really healthy mixes in their classes of income levels and I think its good for kids. But this class has no mix. I feel like its me and the rich people.

I am also concerned hashkafically I am more to the right but that's just my instinct that is too hard to prove at this age. Too much is based on the vibe I got at parent orientation which I could be off about.

Has anyone been in this situation where you felt that everyone was on a very different standard then you? How did you handle it? If you switched your kid to a different class did it help or was it trading one issue for another issue? If your kid stayed how did you mitigate peer pressure which is no joke as they get older.

If anyone has experienced anything like this I would really like to know how you handled it.

amother

Lily

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 2:15 pm

mha3484 wrote:

You should switch, more because of the hashkafic differences… but also to a lesser degree because of the financial difference, which can only cause needless competition

zaq

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 2:24 pm

I know it's hard to tell at this age, but what are the KIDS like? Polite, respectful, friendly, serious about school, or rude, entitled, chutzpadik, and lazy? That's what really counts. The kids' behavior will influence your son's.

mha3484

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 2:46 pm

You make a good point but this age they are still little and sweet my experience is that changes as they hit say 4th grade.

amother

Ginger

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 2:50 pm

We didn’t switch classes but we chose a school different than my neighbors send to because the clientele of that other school is a lot fancier, brand names fancy cars and airplane vacations are the norm. So we chose a different school and my son is in 3rd grade and we’re happy we chose to do that.

amother

Skyblue

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 2:55 pm

If you're able to switch, so switch. I mean, its not very impactful when a kid is 5 years old. I sound like I'm minimizing this, and I don't mean to. I think what I'm trying to say is maybe you're overthinking this? I mean, there are all sorts of challenges that come up as kids age and its nearly impossible to ancipate them. If you have an inkling about your child, that he's sensitive or feels bad when other kids can do things he can't, so then yeah maybe it makes sense to project that he'll feel bad they're all going on a cruise over vacation while he goes to the library. But overall, if he's a happy confident kid, these things tend to not matter too much if the moms are nice and inclusive. Like even if they have birthday parties at Climbzone, kids also truly get so so excited by old-fashioned parties with pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and homemade cupcakes. Its all good. I really think you'll be okay either way.

mha3484

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 2:57 pm

amother Skyblue wrote:

I think this is what I am working through so that I can either be at peace with how things are for the long haul or I go to the menahel and ask for a change. I want to come to the best decision so I guess I am over thinking now with all of you so that I can work through my confliciting feelings.

amother

Springgreen

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 2:59 pm

mha3484 wrote:

3) We have a what I think is dumb rule that your kids class from 1st-8th does not change so I feel a lot of pressure to make this decision now while my son is in pre1a because some kids change around for 1st but after that its locked in.

If that's the case I would switch. But like you said, it's a silly rule. The class could work out fine. I just wouldn't want to risk it and not be able to switch if it doesn't work.

amother

Firebrick

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 3:00 pm

I would switch I was in both type of classes and a healthy mix works and everyone the same with you different the kid will get left out eventually.

amother

Skyblue

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 3:08 pm

Actually, I'm thinking about this again. And I think Zaq is right on the money. Like I have a 2nd grader, and when they started out school in Primary it was already obvious then which class was really rambunctious and which class was more calm. I think if you are able to discuss it with the school and ask which kind of class best suits your hopes for your child, that would work out well. They for sure know already by observing the classes for the last few months. This is probably a little mean, but you can tell which kids are mean or entitled brats even so young. The kids who are sweet and just do over the top kinds of things, those kinds of rich kids I wouldn't worry about. When my oldest was in school, he had a friend who literally lived in a mansion and he would come all the time to our dinky little apartment because I let them jump on the couch and make a mess. They were friends all through elementary school and still keep in touch now they're out of high school. We're not in an apartment anymore, but definitely not a mansion or fancy anything Smile

amother

Broom

Wed, Jan 18 2023, 4:16 pm

I would switch.
Even if your kid and his classmates don't notice these things now and it isn't a big deal now, that is likely to change as he gets older. IME unless there is a large enough group in the class who will be the "uncool" kids (without the latest trends/ vacations/etc.), at some point your child will start to feel the need to do those things too. Same with religious things as well. So if, for example, everyone watches movies and you don't, it'll be very hard for him to withstand the pressure, and will want to be part of the chevra.

First grade is young enough that he should make new friends easily with no trauma involved.

Caveat, before you switch, check out the parent body of the other class.

amother

Bronze

Wed, May 10 2023, 11:20 am

It also depends on your child. My oldest was already clearly affected by peer pressure and wanting to keep up even from a young age. So when we picked a school for her for 1st grade, we didnt send to the one where the kids come from rich backgrounds. But for me as a kid, I was oblivious to these things, so it didn't matter.

Look at your child, look at the personalities of the other kids, and their backgrounds, and weigh each factor according to what you think is most improtant for this specific child.

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