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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
Is it socially acceptable
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 7:40 pm
To ask a first time mom if/how she’s managing? I b”H just had my first and a few ppl already asked me this question. I felt so stupid… as if I’m slow or something that I can’t handle a baby…
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amother
Moonstone


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 7:41 pm
Very typical question. It's more of a conversation starter than anything else.
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amother
Pearl


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 7:42 pm
Totally a normal and appropriate question!
You may want to think of why you are taking this so personally.
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amother
Forsythia


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 7:43 pm
Yes very normal. My job puts me around newborn mothers all day, and let me tell you, so many of them are not managing! People want to help. You seem more capable than most in that you find the question silly
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amother
Pewter


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 7:48 pm
I wish someone would have genuinely asked me that question!!!! I really could’ve used the help and the venting. Between abusive parents, overeager in-laws with no boundaries, a stressed out husband who was in midst of clinicals, I really wasn’t managing.
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BrisketBoss




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 7:51 pm
amother OP wrote:
To ask a first time mom if/how she’s managing? I b”H just had my first and a few ppl already asked me this question. I felt so stupid… as if I’m slow or something that I can’t handle a baby…



Well good for you if it feels like a non issue, but many people find it very difficult when they have their first baby. Smile It's not that they necessarily can't handle it (unless they have a particularly hard one and/or not enough help) but it's a big adjustment. Many mature, competent frum women say it's more of an adjustment than getting married. It's not a condescending question at all.
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amother
Hawthorn


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 7:53 pm
I would appreciate someone asking HOW I'm managing a lot more than IF I'm managing
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 7:55 pm
Mazel tov!

Yes, totally normal. Your reaction is also common -- those first three months, between hormones and sleep loss, almost anything can be an irritant. If you find it growing or continuing, please ask your OB about PPD.
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amother
Forestgreen


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 7:56 pm
It's the biggest transition you'll go through in your life. A lot of mothers are quite blindsided by it and bh it's finally socially acceptable to admit that babies aren't all joy and rainbows. They're asking because most likely THEY had a hard time and want to share some camaraderie, not because they think you're uniquely incompetent. And frankly, oversensitivity is a pretty classic sign that maybe you're not 100% alright.
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amother
Brass


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:01 pm
As a mother whose first kid was adhd and autistic, I wish more people had asked and told me it wasn't me who was a bad mother but that I had an atypical baby. None of my other kids were as challenging. If you want help, the question is an opportunity to ask for it or mention a struggle.
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socialbutterfly




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:05 pm
Totally normal! I ask every new mom how she’s doing. It can be a very difficult time. Better to ask than to risk a woman feeling like she’s the odd one for having a hard time with this huge change. If no one voices how challenging motherhood can be, then everyone will continue on pretending it’s a totally natural and easy transition (not my experience 🙈😂). If it’s not difficult for you, a simple “BH it’s been really good so far!” would be a normal response.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:11 pm
I hear y’-all… however, I don’t have much to do with these ppl. I stepped into a store where the owner knows me just from the few times I shopped there but apparently doesn’t really know me…. So what kind of help would she be able to offer had I said I’m not managing? Because the question came from such type of ppl that I don’t have much to do with, I felt like they’re looking at me as if I’m incapable
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amother
Bottlebrush


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:37 pm
It's just a question people ask new mothers. Sorry you found it offensive. I'd usually answer something like, well waking up several times a night is so hard. It's an opening for you to vent and for them to sympathize.
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amother
Bluebell


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 9:25 pm
amother OP wrote:
I hear y’-all… however, I don’t have much to do with these ppl. I stepped into a store where the owner knows me just from the few times I shopped there but apparently doesn’t really know me…. So what kind of help would she be able to offer had I said I’m not managing? Because the question came from such type of ppl that I don’t have much to do with, I felt like they’re looking at me as if I’m incapable


It’s just people being polite and making small talk. The same way when somebody asks “how are you?” they don’t really care how you are doing and you’d never say “oh I’m horrible actually” because you know they don’t care or want to hear it (when coming from a stranger)
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 9:29 pm
amother OP wrote:
I hear y’-all… however, I don’t have much to do with these ppl. I stepped into a store where the owner knows me just from the few times I shopped there but apparently doesn’t really know me…. So what kind of help would she be able to offer had I said I’m not managing? Because the question came from such type of ppl that I don’t have much to do with, I felt like they’re looking at me as if I’m incapable


"BH, this has been such a joy" is a fine response. So is, "It's been challenging!"

Either way, you'll get some validation on your experience.

Don't overthink this.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 9:30 pm
imasinger wrote:
"BH, this has been such a joy" is a fine response. So is, "It's been challenging!"

Either way, you'll get some validation on your experience.

Don't overthink this.

I answer everyone there’s nothing like it b”H!!!!!
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imasinger




 
 
    
 

Post Sat, Jan 21 2023, 9:53 pm
Ha, great answer!
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amother
Burntblack


 

Post Tue, Feb 14 2023, 3:19 pm
I've been thinking about this thread as I struggle to manage with baby #7. And she's not one of my hardest babies either. But she likes to be held and I can't do anything! I guess OP has an easy baby BH.
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zaq




 
 
    
 

Post Tue, Feb 14 2023, 9:42 pm
You're overanalyzing. This is a social formula, just like "How do you do?" (How do you do what?) or "How are you?" Nobody is asking a bona fide question and nobody wants a real answer. You respond with something equally formulaic like "Fine, B"H" or "Tired but happy, do you have fresh mozzarella today?" and go on your merry way.
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amother
OP


 

Post Tue, Feb 14 2023, 9:57 pm
amother Burntblack wrote:
I've been thinking about this thread as I struggle to manage with baby #7. And she's not one of my hardest babies either. But she likes to be held and I can't do anything! I guess OP has an easy baby BH.

No, my baby isn’t the easiest…. But I guess because I waited a nice amount of years until I finally had him, I was very self conscious
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