Dh annoyed by DS and hat wearing

amother

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:41 pm

DS is in mid twenties somehow connected with a Rav in Brooklyn and was invited for shabbos. He was very excited as this was something totally different for him and a unique opportunity. It is not our minhag to wear a hat. DH heard from other DS that DS borrowed a black hat from a friend to wear to Brooklyn for shabbos so he will not stand out. DH thinks this is ridiculous, aside from the fact that he did not share with us that was his plan- not that he has to, but seems like he was hiding it... I would hide it too knowing dh's reaction, and yeh he doesn't have to answer to us- although we are paying his living expenses.... I don't get why DS would be embarrassed to just wear his kippah. DD tried to explain to me its like wearing a purple shabbos shirt when everyone wears white.. I don't see it as the same thing. I see it and DH sees it as he embarrassed by our minhagim... I am praying dh doesn't say anything to him and keeps his sarcastic remarks to me. I don't know why dh just can't let it go...he holds on to it too much- I don't get it. ... thanks for letting me vent.

amother

Watermelon

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:43 pm

I’m sorry why are you controlling him? You don’t get to tell him what to wear just because you help with living expenses. This is crossing serious boundaries. He’s old enough to decide he wants to meet a rav, go to a rav, and dress as he likes while there.

amother

Aster

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:44 pm

It's not atypical for boys to find their own derech in yiddishkeit. And your son is in his twenties... he's an adult. Really, it's none of DH's business. This is very minor. He's not smoking pot or being mechallel shabbos. He's dressing more yeshivish, making decisions how he wants to serve Hashem, as he should. Live and let live.

notshanarishona

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:44 pm

He is an adult and can wear what he wants. Honestly, not following a minhag should be your biggest chinuch issue and I think something is very wrong if DH turns into a major deal.

amother

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:46 pm

amother Watermelon wrote:

We haven't said anything to DS and hopefully this was just for DS to feel less like he stands out... but wearing a hat is a minhag and it is not our minhag. Are we allowed to eat start waiting 3 hours if minhag is 6? rice on pesach if its not our minhag? Minhagim are not meant to be changed... that's my issue.

amother

Acacia

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:46 pm

Your DS is trying out different Minhagim. Get your DH on board so you can tell DS you are proud of his going to different places, Shuls, Rabbi's. I think your son did the right thing by getting a hat, and not bothering you with it. it's not that DS is embarrassed of his Kippah. He just wanted to fit in and see what it's like so he doesn't have to feel the whole world is watching him. He wants to watch others.

amother

Snowdrop

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:46 pm

My ds is younger than yours and is going through a very frum phase now. My dh reacts in the same way as yours and my son has been hiding all the extra frum stuff that he does. I understand why he does and I try to respond in more open minded ways to let him know we love him the way he is and regardless of whether he takes on different minhags than what his parents are used to.
I just wish dh could tone down his reactions as well...

amother

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:47 pm

amother Ginger wrote:

I hope he doesn't let a hat ruin his relationship with his son!
(What he would have said "I'm removing my yarlmulka because my new friends don't wear one"?)

agree!!! BH he is a great boy, so hopefully DH is just whining at me and I am whining at all of you. : ).

amother

Aster

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:47 pm

amother OP wrote:

Not the same thing at all. He is growing in yiddishkeit. It's not a halachic issue to wear a hat, that's not a thing.

amother

Valerian

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:47 pm

Tell your husband that borrowing a black hat doesn’t make him a black hatter. It’s just to fit in. Not a big deal at all. It’s not like he put on a cross to fit in or compromise on Halacha in any way. And also tell him that even if your son is “frumming out” (doesn’t sound like it) he’s much prefer that over taking off his kippa and going OTD. Putting on a “frummer” garb is not something to get upset about. Doing the opposite to fit in would be a concern

amother

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:48 pm

amother Snowdrop wrote:

YES!!!!!! Thank you!!! I hear you!!!

NechaMom

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:49 pm

Your DD explained it best.
He didn’t want to be the only one wearing a purple shirt in a place where everyone wears white.
Be grateful he respects others and wants to blend in. Like others said, if he’d take OFF his yarmulke you’d have a bigger problem.
May this be the biggest rebellion you come across with your kids chinuch!

amother

Watermelon

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

Wearing a hat is not so serious. There is no minhag that says you can’t wear one and that it’s a problem. You aren’t makpid to wear one, him wanting it isn’t doing anything wrong to you. And he’s an adult if he chooses not to follow your minhagim you’ll have to accept that and hopefully you won’t push him away for something as silly as a hat.

amother

Acacia

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:50 pm

amother OP wrote:

I know plenty of families that their children have changed their Minhagim when they left home. Instead of 6 hrs, they wait 3. Kitniyot on Pesach. This is not your call. your minhagim you can follow in your home. Your children might do differently when they move out.

amother

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:51 pm

amother Aster wrote:

Not the same thing at all. He is growing in yiddishkeit. It's not a halachic issue to wear a hat, that's not a thing.

I have to disagree- wearing a black hat just means you want to look "frummer"- that doesn't show growing in yiddishkeit- growing in yiddishkeit to me you are learning more, helping others, tzedaka chessed- the garb is not yiddishekti and that is where I get concerned... One of my rebbeim used to say the greatest navi of all time - Moshe rabbeinu did not wear a black hat.

amother

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:52 pm

amother Acacia wrote:

That is so interesting-
I am really appreciating this conversation and learning so much.
if we can so easily change minhagim what is the point of a minhag? Isn't the idea that we pass down our customs from generation to generation- that's what make so incredible of a people.

amother

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:53 pm

NechaMom wrote:

Amen!!!

amother

Aster

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:54 pm

amother OP wrote:

He is adding, not subtracting. It is not a problem halachically, at all. As another poster said, would you want him to take off his yarmulke? He is just adding an extra covering.

Would your dh not wear an extra cap/hat on Purim because he's "not allowed to"? There is no halachic issue here. It is nothing like waiting less hours before fleishig than the minhag he grew up with.

amother

DarkViolet

Sat, Jan 21 2023, 8:55 pm

amother OP wrote:

Is this a joke? I don’t think the minhagim you listed can be compared to wearing a hat. The minhagim are part of your mesorah. Wearing a hat started 2 generations ago. I think that now a days wearing a hat is worn by ultra orthodox yeshiva guys, guys who are more machmir to keep halacha more stringently. It’s not a minhag thing. It’s showing what crowd you belong to. He’s in his 20s and wants to grow in yedishkeit, why would you stop him???