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Forum
-> Relationships
-> Simcha Section
NotInNJMommy
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 Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:15 pm
| cupcake123 wrote: | | Op I'm sorry that you're livid but why? How are you punishing your mil by not using your nice bil? |
How is this punishing her MIL? What exactly is the punishment?
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cupcake123
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:16 pm
| NotInNJMommy wrote: | | How is this punishing her MIL? What exactly is the punishment? |
That's what I'm asking. She wrote she doesn't want to use her bil bec she doesn't like her mil
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NotInNJMommy
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:19 pm
| cupcake123 wrote: | | That's what I'm asking. She wrote she doesn't want to use her bil bec she doesn't like her mil |
Well, she doesn't want to bend to her MIL's desires, which is to use the BIL.
It sounds like she and dh already had decided what they wanted when MIL stepped in and started meddling. There wouldn't be any feelings about anything, hurt or otherwise, if MIL minded her own business, imho.
And yes, I resent the bleep out of certain people inserting their opinions, esp when I know it's a veiled "direction" rather than a good faith suggestion.
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lamplighter
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:22 pm
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One way to perhaps send a message of "don't meddle" to your MIL is to quietly go with the BIL and not take any of her money for it. This way you own your own decision.
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cupcake123
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:22 pm
| NotInNJMommy wrote: | Well, she doesn't want to bend to her MIL's desires, which is to use the BIL.
It sounds like she and dh already had decided what they wanted when MIL stepped in and started meddling. There wouldn't be any feelings about anything, hurt or otherwise, if MIL minded her own business, imho.
And yes, I resent the bleep out of certain people inserting their opinions, esp when I know it's a veiled "direction" rather than a good faith suggestion. |
I'm sorry but I disagree. If the only reason she's not using her bil is because her mil suggested it and she doesn't like that that's petty imo.
Sorry I don't mean to be harsh. For me using family is obvious. Especially if they're nice and do the job right. Her first choice should be using her bil who op said is a nice guy..
it sounds like because her mil suggested it she davka doesn't want to which sounds childish to me.
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NechaMom
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:24 pm
| lamplighter wrote: | | One way to perhaps send a message of "don't meddle" to your MIL is to quietly go with the BIL and not take any of her money for it. This way you own your own decision. |
Or to use whomever they choose to use and not take money.
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amother
Apricot
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:24 pm
| cupcake123 wrote: | I'm sorry but I disagree. If the only reason she's not using her bil is because her mil suggested it and she doesn't like that that's petty imo.
Sorry I don't mean to be harsh. For me using family is obvious. Especially if they're nice and do the job right. Her first choice should be using her bil who op said is a nice guy..
it sounds like because her mil suggested it she davka doesn't want to which sounds childish to me. |
They already had decided on a sofer before mil came into the discussion.
That’s what OP is mad about.
She does not need to have a particular reason why she doesn’t want to use him. It’s none of anyone’s business.
This is what Monster Mother in laws are all about.
Who asked her.
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amother
Ecru
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:26 pm
| amother Apricot wrote: | They already had decided on a sofer before mil came into the discussion.
That’s what OP is mad about.
She does not need to have a particular reason why she doesn’t want to use him. It’s none of anyone’s business.
This is what Monster Mother in laws are all about.
Who asked her. |
She actually does need a reason to not use family
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cupcake123
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:28 pm
| amother Apricot wrote: | They already had decided on a sofer before mil came into the discussion.
That’s what OP is mad about.
She does not need to have a particular reason why she doesn’t want to use him. It’s none of anyone’s business.
This is what Monster Mother in laws are all about.
Who asked her. |
Oh I missed that part. Mil shouldn't meddle. I still think OP should use family. She doesn't have to give us or her mil a reason why she's not. Just my thought that in general to use family for these things.
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#BestBubby
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:28 pm
Using a Bar Mitzvah to Hurt your SIL, BIL and MIL???
Causing machlokes for no valid reason?
Very sad.
We are in galus because of sinas chinam.
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NechaMom
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:28 pm
| amother Ecru wrote: | | She actually does need a reason to not use family |
If they chose someone else there obviously is reason.
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amother
Apricot
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:30 pm
| amother Ecru wrote: | | She actually does need a reason to not use family |
Absolutely not.
This is why you don’t mix family and business.
It seems like everyone in the family understands it, except for the mil.
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amother
Darkblue
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:31 pm
| amother Ecru wrote: | | She actually does need a reason to not use family |
I agree. He's nice, erlich & family.
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amother
Darkblue
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:33 pm
| amother Apricot wrote: | Absolutely not.
This is why you don’t mix family and business.
It seems like everyone in the family understands it, except for the mil. |
I agree to not mix business & family with partnerships, employment etc. But not as a customer! Op didn't give a valid reason not to. If I'm a newborn photographer & my sister down the road hires someone else for her newborn, she has every right but don't tell me it wouldn't hurt.
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amother
OP
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:43 pm
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Want to add, that after getting validation from our rav that my feelings count and are valid, I'm in a much calmer place right now to see things more rational and logical. Yes I don't like the pressure my in laws put on us, yes I don't consider this bil and sil as close family... however I'm going to forgo my ego for the sake of shalom. And let's hope that only good things will come from this.
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NechaMom
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:46 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Want to add, that after getting validation from our rav that my feelings count and are valid, I'm in a much calmer place right now to see things more rational and logical. Yes I don't like the pressure my in laws put on us, yes I don't consider this bil and sil as close family... however I'm going to forgo my ego for the sake of shalom. And let's hope that only good things will come from this. |
Wow, I truly admire you!
I’m glad you came to this decision on your own and don’t feel forced into it!
May this be a zechus for you to have lots of nachas from your children!
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nachasmom
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:46 pm
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Good for you, you are doing the right thing.
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amother
Seablue
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:49 pm
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Good for guy! I understand where you’re coming from bec I have a bil like that also, but I think putting your feelings aside and giving him Parnassa is the right thing to do
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lamplighter
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Sun, Jan 22 2023, 1:50 pm
| amother OP wrote: | | Want to add, that after getting validation from our rav that my feelings count and are valid, I'm in a much calmer place right now to see things more rational and logical. Yes I don't like the pressure my in laws put on us, yes I don't consider this bil and sil as close family... however I'm going to forgo my ego for the sake of shalom. And let's hope that only good things will come from this. |
I think this is very big of you. Hashem should bentch you for being mevator and putting shalom first. It should bring you and your BM bachur revealed and abundant brochos!
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