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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
Told 10 yr old DD about period & she's upset at ME
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nelliesmellie




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:04 pm
Have you had a safe touch conversation with her in the past? I would ask her if anything inappropriate ever happened or if maybe she’s heard friends talking about inappropriate touch- there’s been alot in the news lately.
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amother
Calendula


 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:06 pm
amother OP wrote:
She is generally very mature, thoughtful and sensitive. Example: a teacher needed help getting a somewhat socially-off girl accepted into the general group, and would enlist my daughter to help, since she's well-liked, mature, sensitive and friendly.

But I guess there were some undercurrents that I never thought would manifest itself in this way. A) the slight anxiety, and B) ideas about tznius that are not in-line with our family's hashkafa. It all kind of blew up on both of us tonight.

I'm sorry. Hug It's a little scary altogether when we have to start bringing this topic up with our dds. I remember how terrified I was about it. And to get such a reaction...I can imagine how stressful it must be.

She sounds like a great girl who was simply thrown off balance, for whatever reason.
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amother
Aquamarine


 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:07 pm
amother OP wrote:
I think our general culture at home is very accepting. No shame - just matter of fact.
She probably has some anxiety.
Anxiety can do this. It can also make her think/feel that it's inappropriate to discuss it even if as a family you're very open. Like over-scrupulosity. It can also be behind her notions of tznius. It can make her react this way, sounds like fight-flight type reaponse. You don't need to take it personally, it doesn't mean you failed her in any way. It's her wiring.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:07 pm
amother Narcissus wrote:
Can it be she is too young? If she has 4 more years until her period why did you need to tell her now? My mom told me at 10 bc she got it then.


Well, yes, given what I know now, maybe it is that she is too young, and I can pick it back up in another year, but there will definitely be an additional hurdle to overcome at that time since her reaction was so negative. I won't be starting from a neutral place but needing to overturn false negative information.

And I started at 10 since I don't FOR SURE she has until 14. I figured 10 was around ideal and she is generally mature.

You make it sound like I knew she'd have this reaction and I knew she wouldn't need it for 4 more years but I chose to do it anyway, full speed ahead. Confused I thought I was doing the right thing.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:09 pm
nelliesmellie wrote:
Have you had a safe touch conversation with her in the past? I would ask her if anything inappropriate ever happened or if maybe she’s heard friends talking about inappropriate touch- there’s been alot in the news lately.


yes, have had that conversation in the past. Would very much brush it off, which I guess is pretty telling, with what I know now. I cannot ask her anything right now but perhaps when things calm down.
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amother
Calendula


 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:10 pm
amother OP wrote:
Well, yes, given what I know now, maybe it is that she is too young, and I can pick it back up in another year, but there will definitely be an additional hurdle to overcome at that time since her reaction was so negative. I won't be starting from a neutral place but needing to overturn false negative information.

And I started at 10 since I don't FOR SURE she has until 14. I figured 10 was around ideal and she is generally mature.

You make it sound like I knew she'd have this reaction and I knew she wouldn't need it for 4 more years but I chose to do it anyway, full speed ahead. Confused I thought I was doing the right thing.

Maybe try the note for now, adding a line at the end that you won't discuss this with her any more for now, as you see it upset her. But that she can feel more than comfortable to come to you with any questions she may have.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:10 pm
amother Aquamarine wrote:
Anxiety can do this. It can also make her think/feel that it's inappropriate to discuss it even if as a family you're very open. Like over-scrupulosity. It can also be behind her notions of tznius. It can make her react this way, sounds like fight-flight type reaponse. You don't need to take it personally, it doesn't mean you failed her in any way. It's her wiring.


I really appreciate this; thank you.
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amother
Goldenrod


 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:15 pm
I think you also need to speak with her to help her understand the difference between something being private that doesn’t need to be discussed with everyone and something being inappropriate. There is nothing in appropriate about periods, but it can be something private that she doesn’t need to talk about with just anyone. But she should come talk to you if she’s having an issue etc.
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:16 pm
amother Goldenrod wrote:
I think you also need to speak with her to help her understand the difference between something being private that doesn’t need to be discussed with everyone and something being inappropriate. There is nothing in appropriate about periods, but it can be something private that she doesn’t need to talk about with just anyone. But she should come talk to you if she’s having an issue etc.


100% but I don't think she's amenable to hearing that right now. Or in the near future.
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amother
Stoneblue


 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:18 pm
I could totally see myself acting like that as a kid. I was horrified by the idea of speaking to anyone about anything period or intimacy related, qi did everything possible to keep having my period a secret and I still can’t explain why I felt so strongly. BH I was comfortable with dh and I have mellowed a lot since I got married and have a healthier view towards the topic now.
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tichellady




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:21 pm
I was very disturbed to learn about periods. actually pretty angry that I would have to deal with this every month. it's still upsetting to me actually. it had nothing to do with my mom but more about the fact that I'm a sensitive person and like being clean and dry and this felt very overwhelming. I wonder if something similar is happening for her here even though she didn't frame it that way
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ra_mom




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:22 pm
She's overwhelmed by the news. It's ok. Give her some space. In a day or two tell her my love I know it was uncomfortable to hear me speak about body changes the other day. I'm here for you and we can just sit and spend time together. We don't have to talk about it now. I know it's a lot to process.

She sounds like the kind of kid that needs it in pieces. Little anecdotes of information thrown in here and there casually. It's a process. Some kids don't want a big talk. It can be overwhelming.


Last edited by ra_mom on Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:24 pm; edited 2 times in total
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amother
OP


 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:23 pm
tichellady wrote:
I was very disturbed to learn about periods. actually pretty angry that I would have to deal with this every month. it's still upsetting to me actually. it had nothing to do with my mom but more about the fact that I'm a sensitive person and like being clean and dry and this felt very overwhelming. I wonder if something similar is happening for her here even though she didn't frame it that way


Your post makes me realize she is pretty sensory. Like will only use certain towels after a shower (the "wrong" ones make "me feel like I'm getting a carpet burn.") Ditto with certain PJs etc.
Ok..I feel like it's all coming together. Thank you everyone. Love you all. Smile
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amother
Strawberry


 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:25 pm
amother Narcissus wrote:
Can it be she is too young? If she has 4 more years until her period why did you need to tell her now? My mom told me at 10 bc she got it then.


You never know. It can happen at any time. It's not guaranteed it'll be 4 years. If anything, it's good she brought it up now so there's time to work through this anxiety.
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amother
Hyacinth


 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:28 pm
Oy. That's hard.
My dd just turned ten and is very small.for.her age and not developing yet. I got my period at 15. ( My mother got it at 16) I wonder how long she has. I was going to wait another year at least ...
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amother
Gardenia


 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:28 pm
amother OP wrote:
Well, yes, given what I know now, maybe it is that she is too young, and I can pick it back up in another year, but there will definitely be an additional hurdle to overcome at that time since her reaction was so negative. I won't be starting from a neutral place but needing to overturn false negative information.

And I started at 10 since I don't FOR SURE she has until 14. I figured 10 was around ideal and she is generally mature.

You make it sound like I knew she'd have this reaction and I knew she wouldn't need it for 4 more years but I chose to do it anyway, full speed ahead. Confused I thought I was doing the right thing.
You did the right thing, and are still doing the right thing. No way to predict that this would be her reaction. Maybe you can take her for ice cream and let her know that you’ll be giving her the book so she doesn’t need to discuss it with you. But that it’s perfectly ok to discuss these private things with your parents and close friends.
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dancingqueen




 
 
    
 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:34 pm
10 is definitely not too early to have that talk. I would be a little concerned at such a strong reaction though.
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amother
Oleander


 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:38 pm
You shocked her. She probably needed the information in bits and pieces. Give her some time and then I would focus on teaching her the difference between private and inappropriate.
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amother
Camellia


 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:41 pm
I made the mistake of telling oldest DD about it at 10. She was also anxious and the conversation got cut short too. I ended up getting her the purple book and told her (you can write a short note) to come to me with any questions. Two years later she did. I totally jumped the gun and should not have listened to all the threads here about telling a ten-year-old about it. She didn't get her period until 3 (!) years later. You know your kid and how physically developed she is. With my other girls I waited until they were 12, at least, before I told them. You can't compare their mental maturity at 10 to that of a 12-year-old.

Leave it for now.
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amother
Clover


 

Post Sun, Jan 22 2023, 7:47 pm
I learned about it at 11.5 and told my daughter after she turned 11 because I didn't get it until 14. She did get it at 12.2. Actually, she has some anxiety, and I was surprised she took it so well and was quite nervous to have the talk. My friend was encouraging me to tell her 6 months earlier, because her daughter got it younger. I would wait it out. I would give her the book in about 6 months unless she wants to discuss it more with you sooner. Personally, I had no interest in reading the book, as I was a terrible reader and my mother wanted me to finish it before going to camp. I gave my daughter the book months later and she enjoyed reading it and we discussed it a bit.
Know, you did nothing wrong! I am not surprised by her reaction! I can see many people reacting this way.
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