Moms at school activities: Did you notice? Care?

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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When I had performances or activities in school with parents invited...(not The Production or major graduation)

I can't remember if my mom came or not.

10%

[ 20 ]

I remember my mom came all or most of the time, and it was a significant requirement for me to know I was loved.

48%

[ 94 ]

I remember my mom came all or most of the time, and I don't recall feeling more loved.

19%

[ 38 ]

I remember that my mom often didn't come as often as I'd have liked, and I felt less loved or hurt.

13%

[ 25 ]

I remember that my mom often didn't come as often as I'd have liked, but I don't recall it affecting how loved I felt or having hurt feelings.

[ 15 ]

Total Votes : 192

NotInNJMommy

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 3:02 pm

I'm going to try to make this poll cover more or less all the options....

amother

Calendula

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 3:07 pm

I have a theory

children who have healthy attachment to their parents feel loved and supported by them at all times. They don’t feel abandoned or wounded for parent missing (what I’m assuming is a play or some other minor (minor meaning non siddur play non Chumash play non Graduation). School event

A child who doesn’t feel unconditionally loved and supported will feel similarly ‘neglected’ if parent misses these events

I never noticed. Never cared. Did mine come? Probably. But I have no strong memories of it meaning anything to me. BH I was raised in a loving home and continue to have food relationship with my parents

amother

PlumPink

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 3:09 pm

My mom couldn't always come and it never bothered me. Of course she came to all major events, but she couldn't always make it to minor unofficial last minute events. There are always a number of mothers missing at such events.

amother

Mulberry

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 3:12 pm

I don't know how I felt.

I just remember having a giant lump in my throat and wanting to cry.
(It's a familiar feeling I don't know how to name? I become that little girl at my own children's performances ); )
The teachers made a big deal out of the fact that no one came.
I can feel that moment as though it was yesterday.

amother

Cantaloupe

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 3:14 pm

Where's the option for I also didn't come? I hated all these performances and events and I tried to get out of them as much as possible.
I don't think it's possible for a working parent to always make these daytime events. And a child who feels loved and cared for, should be okay with it. Often the activity is exciting enough that the child barely notices.

amother

Viola

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 3:21 pm

My mom ALWAYS came (as did my grandmother if permitted and she was in the state).
I voted it didn’t make me more loved, although I can’t imagine she would not have attended shy of an emergency. We were her #1 priority and always felt that way.

emi1812

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 3:21 pm

amother Calendula wrote:

Not always true…you could have the best relationship with your mother, but if you’re a kid at a school event where you’re seeing a bunch of your classmates mothers show up and yours isn’t, come on, let’s be real- you’re gonna feel the pangs too. Not to the extent of feeling neglected or unloved-just pangs of feeling left out/the odd one out, missing your mother’s presence and wishing she was there like everyone else’s and feeling a bit sad. Which is completely normal for a child to feel regardless of how perfect their relationship is or how strong it is with their caregivers.

amother

Crimson

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 3:31 pm

I voted that my mother always came and I didn’t really care, but come to think of it if she hadn’t come and not for a really good reason, I probably would have been hurt.

amother

Floralwhite

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 3:33 pm

I was so proud to perform in front of my mother.
My mother worked full time, but always made sure to be at my plays.

amother

Calendula

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 3:35 pm

emi1812 wrote:

Ok well I don’t think a child ‘feeling a little bit sad’ is such a terrible thing. I mean, it’s not ideal obviously. But life is full of things that make us feel a little bit sad. I’m not suggesting a mom skip her kids events to teach her a life lesson. Not am I suggesting that someone skip it unless they have a really good reason (whatever that is, whether that’s work or 3 days partum or whatever) nor am I suggesting a parent miss every single event. But those people who remember it years later didn’t feel a little bit sad. I’d hypothesize they felt a lot worse than that

amother

Plum

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 3:36 pm

I was in high school across the country and still felt kinda sad that no one showed up for me (even though I did not even have a good relationship with my mother at all)

amother

Violet

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 3:38 pm

amother Calendula wrote:

Very inaccurate generalization you make

amother

Calendula

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 3:39 pm

amother Violet wrote:

Very inaccurate generalization you make

It’s just a theory. It’s not supported by research lol. But why do you think it’s ‘very inaccurate’

amother

Blonde

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 3:59 pm

My mother worked as a teacher at a different school, and very rarely did she take time off to come to my performances if they conflicted with her work. I remember feeling so abandoned and lonely. I refused to perform once in preschool because my mother was the only one who wasn't there.

amother

Cadetblue

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 4:17 pm

I probably would have preferred my mom be a better mom at home instead of just putting on an act when she came for performances. When she didn't come I didn't care.

I think now, when more moms are working more hours than in previous times, it can get very overwhelming to go to all our kids performances. Especially since many people have multiple kids. I don't think a mom loves her child less if she can't take off from work so much.

amother

Sunflower

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 4:18 pm

dh had a performance in first grade my in laws werent able to make it they had a simchah overseas they sent 2 of his siblings to instead but he was still devastated all his classmates and a parent there and he didnt

amother

Salmon

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 4:19 pm

I voted for she didn’t come and I felt less cared for but just want to add that I grew up secular so this applies to my father also as he was also invited to everything

Editing to add for all the people making theories, my parents were divorced and also the send us to school sick type. We also came home to an empty house 90% of the time. so there was definitely an overall regular feeling of our needs weren’t the highest priority in the house. I’m working to be better for my children.

amother

Mocha

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 4:23 pm

Yes. My mother always came, but then at home I got smacked for not washing the dishes well enough.

It's about the full experience. Not if your mother didnt show up to one performance.

amother

Yarrow

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 4:25 pm

My mom always came to my performances. I'm not saying that that was the basis of our relationship, I'm sure if she wouldn't be able to make it once, it would've been ok.

But it gave me a very loved and secure feeling knowing that she is there. I was in a family of 11 kah. It for sure gave me the sense that I mattered and that I was worth her time and she's not so busy that she can't attend my school functions. Not sure as a kid I was able to articulate it in these words, but it for was very special.

amother

Bellflower

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 4:28 pm

My mom came to anything that was major, but not to more minor-but-invited stuff and it was fine. I knew the difference between the musts, and also she worked full time in a very demanding career (which was actually a really cool job and I knew it, so I was proud of her). There was one time she and my dad missed something major because they got into a car accident on the way there. I noticed, and I felt horrible during the performance. When it was over, my best friend's mom came over to me to tell me what happened (they had called her. They weren't hurt, but had to wait around for the police report etc). Obviously I didn't hold it against my parents, I was still upset, but about the unfortunate circumstances, I knew it wasn't anybody's fault.

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