Ugh I feel so guilty- sleep training

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 1:41 pm

I gave birth to my first baby this summer, hodo Hashem kitov.
I had a terrible, traumatizing, horrific birth. Before I gave birth, I was 5’1 and 100 pounds with my hair wet. I go on to have a 10 pound baby. After pushing for 3 1/2 hours, they had to use forceps and an episiotomy to get the baby out (shoulder was stuck). I ended up tearing 3 degree, lost a ton of blood and had to get a blood transfusion. My placenta had to be removed by a d and c because I lost concius after birth.
According to my doctor, the recovery was going to be worse then a c-section, and I think he was right.
My baby from the start was extremely colicky. The doctors would say that he was acting like this because of the birth trauma. He would scream for hours and hours. Me and my husband tried everything, but to no avail. Now, the baby is much better bH. However, he is still a crazy sleeper. He only goes to sleep after being rocked for an hour. He wakes up at least three times nightly (he drinks three sips of milk and then falls back asleep).
We are at our wits ends. He is almost 7 months and I feel like I still have a newborn. Is it horrible to sleep train? I am leaning towards the Ferber method. Does anyone have anything positive to say about it? Or negative 🙈. Thank you.

amother

Jade

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 1:45 pm

It's normal for a baby to wake up 3 times a night, especially if he goes right back to sleep. Birth trauma for a baby is very real. Don't add sleep training trauma. You don't train a baby to not do something that's age appropriate for them because parents don't want to get up in the night or put the baby to sleep. Those things come along with having a baby.

theoneandonly

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 1:47 pm

On this site you'll receive a lot of hate for even mentioning CIO or Ferber. But there are many ppl who do it successfully, which is why it's been around so long.
No advice on how to sleep train, I suck at it and just have my babies in my bed for years.
Mazel tov and refuah shelema!!

amother

Dandelion

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 1:49 pm

Is there anything to do to address the birth trauma? I would look into that first before using sleep training which can layer on to that trauma. But this is just my opinion. And u need to do what works for you.

NotInNJMommy

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 1:55 pm

When I've started sleep training, I usually try more gentle methods first....also don't underestimate a good sleep routine. Waking up a few times to take a few sips and fall right back to sleep is actually quite good. Do you have to make bottles or do you nurse? I can see how it's more exhausting if you have to make a bottle, although I lived that too and have no suggestions...although when they only wanted sips at night, I was able to nurse enough for that when they got to that point. (I supplemented)

Can you maybe shorten the rocking and then lie them down and pat/rub their back to get them used to falling asleep on their own? (not in your arms) If they are barely nursing at night, then in between reasonable feeding times, can you also try to do the back rubs (After you make sure they are dry/clean)? Do you offer a pacifier?

Are they still in your room or in another room? I found around that age would be the time that seemed naturally "right" for my kids to start sleeping outside of my room.

amother

Ebony

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 2:00 pm

I’m sorry for your difficult birth. It’s sounds traumatic for you and your baby. Mazel Tov on your baby!
Don’t do Ferber. It’s an old fashioned approach and even Ferber himself rescinded part of it.
CIO is cruel, read the book the No Cry To Sleep Solution by Elizabeth Pantley as that can be helpful.
As an aside, it’s very normal for a 7 month old baby to wake 3 times at night.

amother

Tangerine

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 2:00 pm

Maybe try craniosacral therapy for the baby

How regulated are you with your baby?

amother

Ebony

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 2:01 pm

amother Jade wrote:

Op, listen to this post. Very well said.

amother

Jade

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 2:01 pm

theoneandonly wrote:

OP did ask for the negative....
Just because it "works", doesn't mean that it's normal and ok. Many abusive tactics "work" & are "successful".
But for a baby that experienced birth trauma, sleep training and leaving them to cry may add to the trauma and may cause lifelong repercussions.
The behavior OP is describing is not out of the ordinary for a baby. It's not the baby's fault that his parents don't want to be bothered to wake for him. He's doing what's age appropriate and what he's supposed to be doing. Babies require care and aren't supposed to put themselves to sleep and stay asleep all night.

amother

Milk

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 2:03 pm

Is baby sleeping in your room? I found my babies slept so much better when I moved them out.

#BestBubby

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 2:15 pm

Mother's needs are also important.

Mothers are people too.

Do the sleep training and don't feel guilty.

An exhausted mother may not be a good mother.

It usually takes 4-5 nights.

amother

Lily

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 2:19 pm

https://www.whattoexpect.com/f.....ition

amother

DarkCyan

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 2:27 pm

amother Jade wrote:

It's age appropriate for a seven month old to sleep through the night. Stop the mom shaming. It is ok to sleep train at this point.

shyner

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 2:31 pm

You can’t go from rocking them to sleep in your arm to sleep training to Ferber, that will be extremely stressful and possibly traumatic for baby.
As pp said, try to get your baby to fall asleep in their own, by patting them in their crib rather than holding them, I find giving my baby a muslin to hold soothes them to fall asleep, it’s a safe ‘toy’ for their bed because it’s breathable.
Once they’re able to fall asleep on their own they’re also able to get back to sleep on their own if they wake up and they are not hungry.
A pacifier also helps for soothing to sleep although at 7 months it’s a bit late to start if they don’t already use one.

amother

Bellflower

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 2:33 pm

7 months is old enough. You can do it gently. You what's more traumatic than gentle sleep training? Having caregivers who are out of their minds from exhaustion.

amother

Jade

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 2:34 pm

amother DarkCyan wrote:

It's age appropriate for a seven month old to sleep through the night. Stop the mom shaming. It is ok to sleep train at this point.

It is age appropriate for a 7 month old to sleep through the night, IF it happens on it's own without any training or intervention. It is natural for a baby to wake up in the night, especially if baby just needs a drink and goes right back to sleep. It's not mom shaming (a term that some on here love to use) to say this.
Birth trauma for a baby is very real. Don't add the trauma of sleep training by letting them cry themselves to sleep. That's negligent parenting.
It's unfortunate that many first time mom's think that it's a normal thing to let babies cry themselves to sleep. They need to be informed.

amother

Jade

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 2:36 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

Mother's needs are also important.

Mothers are people too.

Do the sleep training and don't feel guilty.

An exhausted mother may not be a good mother.

It usually takes 4-5 nights.

When we make the choice of having a baby, we make the choice of properly caring for the baby, which includes getting up at night for the baby. Having a full nights sleep generally does not come together with having a baby. We don't train babies to not do something that's natural to them to suit parents needs. Parents bend their needs for the baby. Not the other way around. OP isn't describing out of the ordinary behavior from the baby that requires such drastic action. The baby goes right back to sleep. Moving baby out of the room is a good idea, if not done yet.

BrisketBoss

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 2:46 pm

If mom is suffering, it's time for a change. There are respectful methods of sleep training, which may or may not include periods of crying.

Though I would not recommend 'extinction,' there is a surprising lack of sound science to support the idea that sleep training can cause any kind of brain damage.

amother

Jade

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 3:09 pm

BrisketBoss wrote:

No one is saying that it causes brain damage. But leaving a baby to cry themselves to sleep, can definitely cause trauma, especially in a baby that experienced birth trauma.
And if mom is suffering because baby wakes up 3 times and goes right back to sleep, then she should drink a strong coffee. It's part of being a mother and baby waking up for afew moments and going right back to sleep, shouldn't cause a mom to suffer. We need to let go of the expectation of getting a full night's sleep once you have a baby.

amother

Mon, Jan 23 2023, 3:18 pm

amother Jade wrote:

Trauma causes brain damage. Look up recent ppd studies.

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