Ugh I feel so guilty- sleep training

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Forsythia

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 10:21 am

I didn't read this whole thread... but from what I read I'm pretty stunned.
OP - do your own research. Sleep training is a good thing and it is important for your baby to learn to fall asleep. Once he/she can do that alone, the sleeping through the night generally comes naturally. There are tons of methods out there and honestly it's about finding the one that suits your baby's nature/personality more than it is about the one that suits you - if your baby doesn't have the ability to learn the way that you're trying to teach him it won't work well. But a mommy getting sleep is also necessary! And for all those posters who say they'll just keep their babies in their bed - there are plenty of studies out there to talk about how terrible that is for their development - not to mention their safety. One of the biggest gifts that we give our children is their independence, and one of the first things they can do independently is fall asleep. How many times they need to be fed overnight etc - depends on the baby and weight gain! But sleep training to fall asleep will help them to also fall back asleep during the night when they wake up and don't really need to eat.
Much hatzlacha to you! From one tired mommy who is hoping to start sleep training soon to another - you've got this! And you'll be a better mommy for it so please don't feel guilty! It's a gift that you're giving to your child.

amother

Jade

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 10:24 am

BrisketBoss wrote:

Hmm. Wanting a quick fix with no regard for the child's needs could be said about...well...every kind of punishment or bribe. Curious what the poster thinks about that.

Punishing kids is not a thing in our house.
I may bribe in emergency situations, but bribing a child does not carry the risk of emotional trauma to the child. How is bribing a child even a comparison to CIO or punishing a child?

BrisketBoss

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 10:25 am

Oh boy, please do cite said research about develepmenral risks of sleeping with your kid.

BrisketBoss

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 10:28 am

amother Jade wrote:

Reward and punishment are opposite sides of the same coin. It's all behaviorism and manipulation.

No, I don't think you're screwing up your kids with emergency bribes, and I don't think people are screwing up their kids with what they see as emergency punishment either.

#BestBubby

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 11:13 am

amother Strawberry wrote:

Yes I do, I work full time, respond to her over night and up for the day by 6 AM. She has loving teachers at daycare. Is obsessed with them and her friends. I don’t see the connection between the two.

The connection is there is waaaaaaaay more studies that sending baby to daycare
is harmful,

than there is that a FEW nights of sleep training is harmful.

Especially, working FULL time.

So where do you get off criticizing mothers for a FEW nights of sleep training,
when you send your baby DAILY to babysitters FULL time???

Last edited by #BestBubby on Tue, Jan 24 2023, 11:48 am; edited 1 time in total

#BestBubby

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 11:15 am

amother Ebony wrote:

That study is over a decade old. We now understand how elevated cortisol levels can cause damage in the brain and can be a real trauma. Honestly though this doesn’t need research. It should be common sense to a mother to not abandon their baby and let them cry. It goes against maternal instincts. Society’s expectations are causing moms to do the unjustifiable which is unfortunate.

And babies who go to daycare have ELEVATED CORTISOL EVERY DAY.

While babies who are sleep trained only have Elevated Cortisol for a FEW nights!

So which is worse????

Sending babies to babysitters is far worse.

amother

Jade

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 11:34 am

amother

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:08 pm

Jade,
I recognize your “tone” in your post from a few other threads. I think that being a little nicer would suit you AND the rest of us better. I get that your very passionate on this subject, but calling moms lazy and selfish is much less convincing and productive, then sharing your opinion respectfully.

amother

Ebony

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:10 pm

amother Maple wrote:

If the data was indisputably clear that trauma from sleep training was definite and life-altering, I’d agree. It’s not, so I stand by what I said.

Regardless of the research, which is really indicating that elevated levels of cortisol in infants does cause long term damage, why should an infant suffer in the here and now. You are shutting off your natural maternal instincts by allowing your baby to cry. It’s neglect and it’s cruel to allow a baby to cry when they are crying for their mother. You aren’t giving them any gifts, that’s just platitudes to justify the wrong.
When your baby cries, day or night, tend to them. That’s a real gift you are giving them.

amother

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:11 pm

And I really do think I learned A LOT of new information on this subject from your posts, but, only by willingly looking past the snarky and insulting insinuations in the post (which I believe, most people wouldn't bother).

amother

Jade

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:13 pm

amother OP wrote:

Which tone?
I think this is the first sleep training thread I'm participating in.
I don't think my posts are disrespectful or not nice. But some people just don't like hearing the truth.
Why would you right away resort to CIO when your baby is not a bad sleeper, has gone through birth trauma, and you haven't tried more gentle methods yet? Have you done research on birth trauma in babies and CIO? Talk to your pediatrician? (Imamother is not doing research.)
But a first time mom right away resorting to CIO, for a baby that is not a bad sleeper, is just beyond my comprehension. And unfortunately I'm seeing so much in my immediate circles, it just breaks my heart.

amother

Jade

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:14 pm

amother OP wrote:

I don't think my posts are snarky or insulting and it's definitely not my intention.
I'm sorry.

amother

Ebony

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:15 pm

amother Forsythia wrote:

This is so misinformed.
You aren’t giving your child any gifts by sleep training.
A baby doesn’t learn independence by being left in a crib alone. They learn security and attachment by being tending by their mother. A securely attached infant will be an independent child.
Do you research there a much gentler approaches that help you and your baby sleep without the lasting trauma and damage.

amother

Caramel

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:15 pm

Humans are not cut out to be sleep deprived full stop end of story. If you aren’t willing to hold someone else’s baby all night then shut your mouth and sit down. Research shows sleep is best. I’m going to start a new movement about that.

amother

Jade

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:18 pm

amother Caramel wrote:

But OP isn't holding her baby all night or even most of the night. He wakes up for afew moments and goes right back to sleep.
I'm not against sleep training. I'm against CIO, especially as a first resort when gentle methods haven't been tried. And if the baby had a traumatic birth, we need to be very careful and informed before doing something that may add additional trauma.
Understand she wants to cut out rocking him to sleep for an hour at bedtime. But this doesn't mean that it's ok to right away resort to CIO.

amother

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:18 pm

amother Jade wrote:

My pediatrician has been practicing for more then 50 years. He had recommended ferber method AND was concerned that my baby has been waking up 3 times at night.

amother

Strawberry

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:20 pm

#BestBubby wrote:

It may be a few nights, but how do we know there are no long term effects psychologically?

amother

Strawberry

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:21 pm

[quote="amother Strawberry"]It may be a few nights, but how do we know there are no long term effects psychologically?[/quote
And it’s not just a few nights. Babies aren’t robots. They’ll wake up even after they’re sleep trained and just won’t call out for their parent bc they know they won’t be responded to

amother

Strawberry

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:21 pm

[quote="amother Strawberry"]

amother Strawberry wrote:

It may be a few nights, but how do we know there are no long term effects psychologically?[/quote
And it’s not just a few nights. Babies aren’t robots. They’ll wake up even after they’re sleep trained and just won’t call out for their parent bc they know they won’t be responded to

At daycare- their needs are being met! (Hopefully- otherwise that’s a different issue and would need to switch schools maybe)

amother

Jade

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 1:22 pm

amother OP wrote:

My pediatrician has been practicing for more then 50 years. He had recommended ferber method AND was concerned that my baby has been waking up 3 times at night.

If that's what your pediatrician recommended, and you're uncomfortable with it, you should do research other than imamother. By starting a thread on this topic, you'll just come away more confused and hear opinions you don't necessarily want to hear. As you see, this is a heated topic and we need to know this when starting such a thread.
(Btw, many old pediatricians are still practicing old school methods instead of updating their methods as more research and information becomes available.)

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