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amother




OP
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 9:24 pm
Ladies who have teenagers/marrieds: What’s your take on sleep training (cio or ferber)? If you did it, how are you children today?
The only person I know of who did it and has older kids is my mil. She has many kids and did the ferber method and almost all of her kids are married, raising frum families bli ayin hara. None of her kids have underlying mental health issues (one has under control adhd). I want to hear from ladies on here please. Thank you!
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mushkamothers




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 9:37 pm
Sorry but I have to laugh at this entire premise. Read any thread on this site. We are all (for the most part) normal, smart, functional, put together ladies. And yet how many people have real mental, emotional or spiritual struggles? How many people are in therapy? I can bet you that all of our mothers are bragging about how successful we are. (Even/especially the mothers that people write in their op, they have no idea what's really going on in the op's life)

Getting a degree, having a good job, and staying married are not the only indicators of being a healthy human. How about: how we respond to stress or to anger, how we can or cannot regulate our emotions, how we approach food, how intimate and vulnerable we can let ourselves become, communicate needs, set boundaries, etc.

So they did Ferber, and potched us, and were emotionally unavailable, and "we all turned out fine"... right??


Last edited by mushkamothers on Mon, Jan 23 2023, 9:39 pm; edited 1 time in total
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amother




Beige
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 9:39 pm
Ok how do you know what kind of mental issues or emotional traumas they are carrying around?
How would you know how shut down and disconnected they are with hashem or with their husband, themselves or their children?

“Crying it out” is not always humane in my not so humble opinion.
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amother




Blueberry
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 9:45 pm
How would you know if any of your siblings in law suffer from mental health illnesses and are seeing therapists or taking medication? The most seemingly functional & put together women, can be on meds and therapy. You have no idea. There's no way to know.
My mom did CIO and I suffer from debilitating anxiety. I'm on medication and seeing a therapist. You would never know. I was anxious as a kid as well. I know that one of my siblings is also suffering from bad anxiety and is in therapy.
Looking normal and raising a normal family means nothing. You can't know what goes on in their head.
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amother




Junglegreen
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 10:00 pm
My mother ferberized every one of us and BH we are all doing great! No one has attachment issues. We’re all sociable and well-liked by those around us. We’re all successful in the things we do. BH no emotional or mental health issues. We’re a great bunch! Not saying that it’s related to sleep training, but just answering your question.
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amother




Junglegreen
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 10:01 pm
amother Blueberry wrote:
How would you know if any of your siblings in law suffer from mental health illnesses and are seeing therapists or taking medication? The most seemingly functional & put together women, can be on meds and therapy. You have no idea. There's no way to know.
My mom did CIO and I suffer from debilitating anxiety. I'm on medication and seeing a therapist. You would never know. I was anxious as a kid as well. I know that one of my siblings is also suffering from bad anxiety and is in therapy.
Looking normal and raising a normal family means nothing. You can't know what goes on in their head.


Ummm I think that why OP is asking for personal anecdotes…. Precisely because she doesn’t know for sure 🤔
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groisamomma




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 10:05 pm
I tried CIO with my oldest for a night or two and swore I would never do it again. It's traumatizing enough on the parent, don't do it to your child. It's not worth it.
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amother




Blueberry
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 10:09 pm
amother Junglegreen wrote:
My mother ferberized every one of us and BH we are all doing great! No one has attachment issues. We’re all sociable and well-liked by those around us. We’re all successful in the things we do. BH no emotional or mental health issues. We’re a great bunch! Not saying that it’s related to sleep training, but just answering your question.


How do you know this? No one advertises their mental health struggles. You cannot know what's going on with your sister that is well liked and successful. Well liked and successful is not a contradiction with mental health struggles. You can't know what goes on in anyone's head and behind closed doors. Even if you're a great bunch. One has nothing to do with the other.
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amother




Jetblack
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 10:10 pm
I think different brains and nervous systems have different levels of resilience. As with every other experience in life, Some will prob do just fine, and some will be damaged. Personally I don't go for the method, it's against my instincts and doesn't feel maternal and natural, but I will be the first to say there are a zillion other factors that will go into determining nervous system health.

I breastfed and coslept with DC1 for 2 years, weaned and sleep trained super gently etc etc. Dc2 was in the nicu at birth and in and out of hospitals the next 3 years of life with a zillion procedures, Lots of pain, tons of crying, tons of separation, no breastfeeding. Guess who has healthier attachment styles and better emotional health and if overall a much better adjusted child?

Go figure.
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amother




Chicory
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 10:12 pm
The opposite is true for my mom. She nursed us all for 2 years, co-slept, stayed home with us until we went to school at 3 or 4. She was a present and good mom and we all have issues.

Hashem has a plan for each individual. How they’ll turn out and how they’ll cope with life.

A mother’s job is to do her best, and keep trying harder. The rest is completely up to Hashem.
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tichellady




 
 
 
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 10:12 pm
it's impossible to really know but emily oster does talk about the studies about it and it's comforting. personally I think that sleep deprivation for the mom and lack of sleep for the baby are important factors too and it's ok to set boundaries with sleep. I like the method in the book " the happy sleeper". it's a modified ferber and I think it's thoughtful
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amother




Indigo
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 10:15 pm
I did a customized version of sleep training, I let them cry for short periods of time, I talked them through it, we also discussed it by day, I said mommy will put you in the crib you will go to sleep, mommy will come back when you wake up etc... my teens are excellent sleepers and well adjusted kids.
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amother




Fuchsia
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 10:19 pm
mushkamothers wrote:
Sorry but I have to laugh at this entire premise. Read any thread on this site. We are all (for the most part) normal, smart, functional, put together ladies. And yet how many people have real mental, emotional or spiritual struggles? How many people are in therapy? I can bet you that all of our mothers are bragging about how successful we are. (Even/especially the mothers that people write in their op, they have no idea what's really going on in the op's life)

Getting a degree, having a good job, and staying married are not the only indicators of being a healthy human. How about: how we respond to stress or to anger, how we can or cannot regulate our emotions, how we approach food, how intimate and vulnerable we can let ourselves become, communicate needs, set boundaries, etc.

So they did Ferber, and potched us, and were emotionally unavailable, and "we all turned out fine"... right??

Applause
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amother




Yellow
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 10:21 pm
I did it with my oldest and I cringe when I think about how I tortured him. WHAT was I thinking? I definitely traumatized him and I do think he has lasting scars (in his twenties....).

No I don't recommend any harsh methods. Treat your babies like babies, they are so innocent and vulnerable....
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amother




Junglegreen
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 10:27 pm
amother Blueberry wrote:
How do you know this? No one advertises their mental health struggles. You cannot know what's going on with your sister that is well liked and successful. Well liked and successful is not a contradiction with mental health struggles. You can't know what goes on in anyone's head and behind closed doors. Even if you're a great bunch. One has nothing to do with the other.


We’re very close. It’s not hard to know. We speak openly about things. Obviously we don’t know the nitty gritty details. But in terms of regular functioning and overall demeanor, behavior in stressful situations, independence, bonds with parents/siblings/friends… yes, I do know.

Do you know about your husband’s mental health? Your child’s? Your parents’? According to your logic, the answer is no. Guess you don’t really “know” anybody. I’m sorry for you
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amother




Junglegreen
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 10:28 pm
amother Chicory wrote:
The opposite is true for my mom. She nursed us all for 2 years, co-slept, stayed home with us until we went to school at 3 or 4. She was a present and good mom and we all have issues.

Hashem has a plan for each individual. How they’ll turn out and how they’ll cope with life.

A mother’s job is to do her best, and keep trying harder. The rest is completely up to Hashem.


Love this.
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amother




Ecru
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 10:33 pm
Mom did CIO. I suffer from anxiety and OCD and an attachment disorder.
I know someone who is very pro CIO, almost all of her dozen kids have major emotional issues.
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amother




Blueberry
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 10:33 pm
amother Junglegreen wrote:
We’re very close. It’s not hard to know. We speak openly about things. Obviously we don’t know the nitty gritty details. But in terms of regular functioning and overall demeanor, behavior in stressful situations, independence, bonds with parents/siblings/friends… yes, I do know.

Do you know about your husband’s mental health? Your child’s? Your parents’? According to your logic, the answer is no. Guess you don’t really “know” anybody. I’m sorry for you


You can be extremely close to your siblings and have no idea if they suffer from menal illness. Yes, it is hard to know. You seem very naive to what mental illness means. There's absolutely NO way for you to know what goes on behind closed doors, unless you live with them 24/7, which is the case for my husband and children. And no, I don't know if my parents are having mental health issues. And I'm very close to them.
Comparing sisters to your husband and kids, is just laughable. You may think that you know everything about you sisters lives, when in fact, you may know nothing. Because private details are private.
You may know a person extremely well but not know very private details of their lives. You may think you know everything about someone's life, but in reality, you don't. Even the people closest to you.
I may even be your sister & we talk and share every day. Who knows?
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amother




Junglegreen
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 10:39 pm
amother Blueberry wrote:
You can be extremely close to your siblings and have no idea if they suffer from menal illness. Yes, it is hard to know. You seem very naive to what mental illness means. There's absolutely NO way for you to know what goes on behind closed doors, unless you live with them 24/7, which is the case for my husband and children. And no, I don't know if my parents are having mental health issues. And I'm very close to them.
Comparing sisters to your husband and kids, is just laughable. You may think that you know everything about you sisters lives, when in fact, you may know nothing. Because private details are private.
You may know a person extremely well but not know very private details of their lives. You may think you know everything about someone's life, but in reality, you don't. Even the people closest to you.
I may even be your sister & we talk and share every day. Who knows?


*gulp*
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amother




Alyssum
 

Post Mon, Jan 23 2023, 11:48 pm
amother Junglegreen wrote:
We’re very close. It’s not hard to know. We speak openly about things. Obviously we don’t know the nitty gritty details. But in terms of regular functioning and overall demeanor, behavior in stressful situations, independence, bonds with parents/siblings/friends… yes, I do know.

Do you know about your husband’s mental health? Your child’s? Your parents’? According to your logic, the answer is no. Guess you don’t really “know” anybody. I’m sorry for you


Lol I love my husband dearly and even he doesn't know all my issues
There have been threads here about what secrets women keep from their husbands
Really the naivete is astounding
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