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First cousin's weddings
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GetReal




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jan 24 2023, 4:57 pm
I don’t go to every wedding. It just doesn’t work.
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amother




Sunflower
 

Post Tue, Jan 24 2023, 6:01 pm
For first cousins weddings I make every effort to attend. Even if I can’t be there for long, just showing up makes everyone so happy. Obviously if it’s a large family with a wedding every 2 weeks it’s not always possible. In my family we had 1 wedding this year not more then an 1.5 hour drive and some sils didn’t make any effort to attend. Personally I think for once or twice a year the effort should be made. But to each their own. I obviously don’t voice my thoughts out loud or guilt trip anyone
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amother




Ivory
 

Post Tue, Jan 24 2023, 6:22 pm
B"H for Simchos.
Similar situation. Large family on both sides, plenty of 1st cousins, Nieces & nefews, engagements & Weddings, Brisim & Barmitzvas, never mind the kiddushim & sheva brochos or simchos from some 2nd cousins we are closer to. I used to make every effort to go to every simcha and would be noticed & comments if I didn't go. Sometimes would be whole family, sometimes DH & I, sometimes just me. But for other family members, it would be a whole tumult if the DID come - "wow! did you see who is here... so nice of them to make it!" After I didn't go to a couple of simchos - different reasons, just could not make it - people just accept it. They know we would love to be there, but the logistics just dont always work. I have gotten over the guilt, and when I started making simchos & people schlepped out to me - now they realize what an effort it is for me to make it to them! We try to go for simchos, but if it doesn't work out, don't sweat it.
Boruch Hashem for Simchos.
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amother




Cobalt
 

Post Tue, Jan 24 2023, 6:42 pm
I do.

I am 35 with kids ranging in age from 2-15. I have k"ah approximately 100 first cousins each from my mother's side and my father's side. My husband's side is smaller and half live in Israel. I make an effort to attend every single one. Have I ever missed some? Yes, one I was in labor, another I wasn't feeling well, etc. but in general I make my utmost effort to go, for my aunt's sake, definitely for my grandmother, and even for the sake of my mother.

I know not all cousins put in as much effort as I do, but I was raised that family obligations are important, so even if it means taking a bus and hiring a babysitter and paying over $100 total, you do what you gotta do. Family is important and simchas are the main way we keep close. At this point, one side is nearly done, only 3 cousins left and my grandmother is no longer alive. On my husband's side, we had the last cousin from one side about 4 years ago, and the other side still has a handful left.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jan 24 2023, 6:47 pm
amother Cobalt wrote:
I do.

I am 35 with kids ranging in age from 2-15. I have k"ah approximately 100 first cousins each from my mother's side and my father's side. My husband's side is smaller and half live in Israel. I make an effort to attend every single one. Have I ever missed some? Yes, one I was in labor, another I wasn't feeling well, etc. but in general I make my utmost effort to go, for my aunt's sake, definitely for my grandmother, and even for the sake of my mother.

I know not all cousins put in as much effort as I do, but I was raised that family obligations are important, so even if it means taking a bus and hiring a babysitter and paying over $100 total, you do what you gotta do. Family is important and simchas are the main way we keep close. At this point, one side is nearly done, only 3 cousins left and my grandmother is no longer alive. On my husband's side, we had the last cousin from one side about 4 years ago, and the other side still has a handful left.


I don't mind hiring a sitter. The problem is finding a sitter! It's an impossible task. I had a steady girl that came, but the last few times my toddler woke up and wouldn't calm down. So she doesn't want to come anymore. So I'm basically stuck.
Besides for the fact that DH works from 5AM-7PM and to turn right back around after an hour travel for another 1.5 hours of travel, is torture for him.
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amother




Cobalt
 

Post Tue, Jan 24 2023, 6:52 pm
amother OP wrote:
I don't mind hiring a sitter. The problem is finding a sitter! It's an impossible task. I had a steady girl that came, but the last few times my toddler woke up and wouldn't calm down. So she doesn't want to come anymore. So I'm basically stuck.
Besides for the fact that DH works from 5AM-7PM and to turn right back around after an hour travel for another 1.5 hours of travel, is torture for him.

Bh by now my oldest can babysit, but boy do I remember the years of making 20 calls to find a girl to babysit. Every girl I called who said no, I asked if she knows of anyone else. I usually call about a week before, but there were times where I only settled on someone the day of.

As for your DH's travel, I can't relate since DH works locally. Is there a bus you can take? A ride with a sibling or another cousin you can get? This way DH can stay at his workplace and you meet him at the wedding hall and go back home with him. Can your Dh take a quick nap when he gets home and you leave at 8? Can you go with someone else and leave DH home to babysit?

I'm not saying you are obligated to do any of this, but these are the ideas I would try.
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amother




OP
 

Post Tue, Jan 24 2023, 6:56 pm
amother Cobalt wrote:
Bh by now my oldest can babysit, but boy do I remember the years of making 20 calls to find a girl to babysit. Every girl I called who said no, I asked if she knows of anyone else. I usually call about a week before, but there were times where I only settled on someone the day of.

As for your DH's travel, I can't relate since DH works locally. Is there a bus you can take? A ride with a sibling or another cousin you can get? This way DH can stay at his workplace and you meet him at the wedding hall and go back home with him. Can your Dh take a quick nap when he gets home and you leave at 8? Can you go with someone else and leave DH home to babysit?

I'm not saying you are obligated to do any of this, but these are the ideas I would try.

I sometimes take the bus to meet DH, but he likes to shower before weddings. I'm uncomfortable asking a couple for ride. Kh with weddings often every 2 weeks, this schedule becomes unsustainable.
There used to be more girls available to babysit but most schools don't allow anymore and the girls that are able to come, and I'm very careful with who I bring in to my home. I once had a girl show my kids a movie on her phone. Since then I don't really bring strangers to babysit.
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amother




Babypink
 

Post Tue, Jan 24 2023, 7:07 pm
Most of my first cousins are married by now but bh I usually had my sister to babysit when it was from dh side.

Now its first cousins starting to marry off but I dont always go if I need to travel. Happens to be tonite I'm going from Brooklyn to Lakewood but bh for my daughter that's old enough to babysit . And I dont leave babies or toddlers behind so its easier.
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amother




Cobalt
 

Post Tue, Jan 24 2023, 7:17 pm
amother OP wrote:
I sometimes take the bus to meet DH, but he likes to shower before weddings. I'm uncomfortable asking a couple for ride. Kh with weddings often every 2 weeks, this schedule becomes unsustainable.
There used to be more girls available to babysit but most schools don't allow anymore and the girls that are able to come, and I'm very careful with who I bring in to my home. I once had a girl show my kids a movie on her phone. Since then I don't really bring strangers to babysit.

I never leave before my kids are in bed. There's no opportunity for the babysitter to interact with them. How old is your oldest?

Your DH needing a shower and you being uncomfortable asking for a ride are also concepts that are foreign to me. You figure it out. Does Dh work manually that he must have a shower? Grab some deodorant and make do. In my family, ppl offer rides because we want to make it easier for others to come and for us to have company. Even when we go with our dh's we sometimes go a few couples together in one car to save on gas... Especially if you're only asking for a ride one way, they'll have their privacy on the way home. I still think attending a wedding is a bigger picture issue and letting the smaller details get in the way means you miss out on the value of family.
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amother




Cyclamen
 

Post Tue, Jan 24 2023, 7:22 pm
No I don't go anymore if not in my town.
By now most of my 1st cousins are married and for the next generation I definitely don't go unless I kept up with my 1st cousin and we're friends.
My mother is very understanding. She always says do what's good for you.

And about the line that nobody will come to my simcha? I don't care. I only need those that WANT to be there. I don't need 200 random cousins that are coming only because I went to theirs. No thank you.
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mommyhood




 
 
 
 

Post Tue, Jan 24 2023, 7:25 pm
amother OP wrote:
I sometimes take the bus to meet DH, but he likes to shower before weddings. I'm uncomfortable asking a couple for ride. Kh with weddings often every 2 weeks, this schedule becomes unsustainable.
There used to be more girls available to babysit but most schools don't allow anymore and the girls that are able to come, and I'm very careful with who I bring in to my home. I once had a girl show my kids a movie on her phone. Since then I don't really bring strangers to babysit.

Every 2 weeks is not sustainable for a family with young children I definitely wouldn’t feel obligated to go that often. But I would reconsider asking couples for rides on occasion especially if they’re relatives.
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amother




Mistyrose
 

Post Tue, Jan 24 2023, 7:38 pm
I live in lkwd and bh have lots of simchas in brooklyn. And my husband works in bklyn what I end up doing is I get a ride in with my sis or sil when its from the other side and I come home with my husb.
My husb showers in his mothers house and keeps a change of clothes at his office, and my oldest is in h.s. and old enough to babysit..
Can your husband shower at a relatives basement?
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