Find it hard when my kids touch me

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Forum -> Parenting our children

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amother

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 5:32 pm

Hi,
I like to think of myself as a good mom who sincerely loves her kids and wants the best for each one. But for some reason when my kids turn three or four it becomes so hard for me to hug and kiss them and when they come and touch me a part of me wants to pull away.
Why is that! What’s wrong with me?
I never feel this way with the babies or with my husband….
Please tell me why I feel this way and please help me change!!

HonesttoGod

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 6:23 pm

It’s a sensory / touch thing. I also get very tapped out when my kids touch too much.

tweety1

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 6:33 pm

We can shake hands. I am the same way. I wish I can help myself.

amother

Rose

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 6:38 pm

Same same... And when I tell dh he says so you don't want me to touch you either Can't Believe It

I wish he would get the difference....

amother

Nemesia

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 6:42 pm

Im the same same same.

Tbh I dont think Im a sensory person its just that my kids have no filter.

If my breasts and other sensitive areas are not accessible to them Id feel.more comfortable, but you go anywhere near there you feel my wrath.
And my face aswel.

It really makes me snap at them.

I think its the unexpectedness of kids touch, aswel.

amother

Amethyst

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 7:58 pm

My oldest is 4. I definitely still hug and kiss him. I don't mind holding etc. I hate hate being touched while I dress him. I made a rule no touching my head. You need help with your pant leg, ok so hold my shoulder. Do not touch my head...

amother

Caramel

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 8:10 pm

I feel like im the same way with my kids once they turn 3-4 years old and I think its because I did not grow up this way.
It really bothers me. I wish I would me more natrually affectionate with my kids.

Like previous poster mentioned I am not like that with my babies toddlers or husband

amother

Iris

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 8:49 pm

Not sure if this will be helpful but it was extremely helpful for me. I remember speaking to a head Neve rabbi about this and he said that if I could I should try to picture it not as them doing something “to” me so much as me doing a chesed for them by letting them get that touch that they need at the moment.
It really helped me feel less suffocated by the feeling

amother

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 11:01 pm

Wow, it’s so good to know I’m not alone but I need solutions!! Sad

I don’t want to be this way. I want to relish in their physical company and be the most loving mom physically.

amother

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 11:02 pm

amother Iris wrote:

Thank you for giving me something practical to try……
I guess I could see this potentially working.

mushkamothers

Tue, Jan 24 2023, 11:09 pm

1. It could be sensory overload

2. It could be that you weren't raised this way or didn't see it modeled so for you, once they're not "cute babies" (like once their hair is cut, they're in school etc) you literally don't have it in you to give to them what you didn't get yourself.

Assuming you do in fact want to be more physical:

If 1 - prime yourself, control it (you initiate a hug, high 5, tickle game, rub shoulders etc), plan it so you're relaxed and well fed, do it consciously at certain times like bedtime etc

If 2 - the above but also listening closely to the voice in your head or the instinct in your body saying "you're too old, you're not cute anymore" whatever message you received or believe. Touch your child and imagine that you're hugging your own inner child who didn't get this. This is the concept of reparenting. And basically fake it til you make it

salt

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 1:24 am

Tell them to ask you first - 'mommy can I have a hug'.
If it's just random poking and touching, explain to them that you don't like that, but if they want they can ask for a hug whenever they want.
Maybe if you're prepared for it, you'll find it easier.

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