More on the finance threads

mommy3b2c

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:09 pm

amother Moccasin wrote:

If it makes you happy, nothing wrong with it, even if I wouldn't spend it! I actually think it's really sweet! Your son is adorable, you should have much nachas!

Thanks for your OP, I honestly didn't really understand this concept too well and I like the way you crystallized it. I think that it will help me with my relationship with my preteen. It is more the understanding of where kid is at, like talking "with" the kid rather than "at" them.

Exactly. My 14 year old came home from school yesterday and was so sad. He told me his whole class is going away for mid winter vacation. He’s one of two staying home. And he’s not lying . Part of me felt like just shushing him. I don’t have patience to listen to his whining. But I put myself in his shoes. He is SO disappointed. So I stopped what I was doing and I listened to him. And I told him that I heard him and that if I was him I would also be sad. And I told him to think of a daytrip we can do to make him happy. And that I’m sorry and that I feel for him. And he’s still not happy, but he’s dealing with it and he’s ok. Because he knows that his feelings are normal, and even though I don’t care that we are staying home, I care that he cares.

amother

Ruby

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:11 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Im not bragging. Im making a point. When I post about my old navy sweaters or my beat up mini van is that the opposite of bragging? It’s just facts. If I started a post saying “guess what ? I just spent $350 on my babies outfit, that would maybe be bragging.” ( More like completely random and stupid, but whatever.)

You’re telling me that you’re judging me for doing something wrong. Can I ask what’s wrong about spending that money on his outfit? I would like to hear an actual explanation. If I didn’t mention it, there’s no way to even tell that it was expensive.

Look, I'm not posting here to make you feel bad, but I'm also trying to make a point. Most socially normal people don't randomly say they spent 350 on a baby's outfit, but they nonchalantly stick it into the conversation, and now the other person (or in this case, all of Imamother) knows.

What's wrong is that it's a waste of money. Again, ideally I would not judge and say live and let live, but in my brain, I can't wrap my head around the idea of splurging so much money for something that doesn't have enough value to be worth it. A 4 year old can look just as adorable in something half the price. Wasting money like that is against jewish values. If for you, this was the only outfit that made you happy about how he looked, and you didn't have time to look for something more decently priced, so be it. But it's still something that is inherently not within the guidelines for how a Jewish person should be viewing and using their money. Even 200 is excessive enough, especially pre-current-inflation.

Spending lavishly for hiddur mitzva is a thing. But spending lavishly on a one-time use of a garment for a kid who doesn't even value it, just because it's "your hobby" is wrong.

amother

Ruby

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:12 pm

NechaMom wrote:

I don’t know about B, but regarding A why are you feeling bad? I really can’t relate.
I probably spend a lot less than 350 for a 4 year old’s entire wardrobe, coat included, but I don’t feel bad that someone else can spend freely.
Why the jealousy! It’s such a sad and miserable middah!

Honestly I don't feel bad (bh I'm not poverty-stricken), but I know others who are struggling do feel bad when they read this and think that she could have chosen to spend 100-150 (and even that is a luxury) and given the rest to tzedaka to enable someone else to buy bread and milk.

amother

Tulip

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:15 pm

amother Ruby wrote:

I agree with you 1000% about not wasting money on such things

But why do you care so much what she does with her own money??

amother

Moccasin

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:16 pm

amother Ruby wrote:

I don't think what you are saying is right. Mommy3b2c can spend as she pleases. She gives plenty of tzedaka too. Different people value and enjoy different types of things and splurge on different things and I think that is ok! People have a right to make their own choices.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:16 pm

amother Ruby wrote:

I literally have no words . I for the life of me can’t follow your train of thought. But just in case it makes you feel better, the more I spend on him the more I spend on tzedaka. Because when I am struggling to give tzedaka to someone I tell myself “I just spent so much for something I enjoy. If I can figure out how to spend the money on that , then I should be able to figure out how to spend the money on someone who really needs it.”

amother

Ebony

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:18 pm

I happen to find some of this thread in poor taste and I’m of the very verbal posters against the shaming on the original finance thread.

This borders on flaunting. There’s no need to prove a point with specifics.

This is “in your face” and I do see how this can hurt people.

If I chose to spend $350- which I can afford but wouldn’t- I can do so, but it’s wrong to mention how much I spent on it.
Spend, enjoy, but don’t advertise it to prove a point. It’s not classy.

amother

Gray

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:19 pm

Perhaps someone should start a thread of all the institutions, stores and professions which should not have the ability to charge a price that some people can't afford or think it is too high LOL

Sheitl Makers
Therapists
Landlords - although this is a bit nuanced since many rentals are controlled or stabilized
Grocery Stores particularly those selling eggs and produce
Donut stores
Cleaning Ladies
Schools
Day Care and Play Groups
Frum Dress Stores except for some

I am sure there are others. Very Happy

In all seriousness, I really can't wrap my head around the level of entitlement in which people think that those who provide services - I.e. therapists and SM and cleaning ladies - somehow don't have the right to set their rates at a price that people are willing to pay - even if that rate is more than others want to spend.

amother

Ruby

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:22 pm

amother Tulip wrote:

I agree with you 1000% about not wasting money on such things

But why do you care so much what she does with her own money??

I care that she's posting about it here. It proves the point of many posters on other threads. Wanna spend a ton? Fine. No reason to put it out there in public where multitudes of people will have multitudes of reactions and feelings about it. Do what you need to do modestly.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:23 pm

amother Ebony wrote:

I feel your post is unclassy. Say it under your own screen name.

amother

Ruby

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:26 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

Whatever. I think if I just continue explaining it'll be misconstrued and you're a nice person so no need to criticize you if you still don't get it. Kol hakavod for all the tzedaka you give. (which btw, giving modestly, and not announcing it on imamother, is part of the same value of tznius I'm trying to explain but you aren't comprehending)

mommy3b2c

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:27 pm

amother Ruby wrote:

This whole site is literally hundreds of people putting things out there with multitudes of people having multitudes of reactions and feelings about hundreds of topics.

hodeez

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:27 pm

bella613 wrote:

My parents were the oppisate. They dressed really nicely and drove luxury clothes but refused/didn't care to dress their kids nicely. Me and my sisters would come to school with old, illfitted clothes and not brushed hair. Once I reached a lady's size in high school, my mom refused to buy me any clothes and would give me her hand me downs (even if they were baggy on me).
We all lacked basic self confidence and felt like a nerds. My parents rationale was that they work hard for their money, so we don't deserve new clothes or any luxuries. Many parents are like this, not just my parents. People don't take into account social norms and their childrens dignity. I don't agree with spending crazy money on kids clothes (I am a huge tottini fan), but I will not shop for my kids in old navy, because they will feel nebach and different, even if that means spending a bit more (I still buy Jewish stores on sale).

Im so sorry 😔 one of my favorite parts of my brood is dressing them. They're all in SheIn clothes but they're cute as anything!

amother

Magnolia

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:29 pm

OP, I understand your point. And while I think it’s true that it’s important to validate your kids feelings, we don’t need to validate their beliefs about expensive designer brands etc

Feeling: I really want it
Belief: If I get I will be cool… I need that to feel cool…everyone else has it so I need it…

We can tell our children that we understand and see that they really want it, we can tell them that we can relate very much to that feeling of wanting something that we can’t afford. But by telling them that it IS so important and that you WISH we could buy it for them
I feel like it reinforces that idea that the child needs that item in order to feel good about themselves..

amother

Ruby

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:30 pm

mommy3b2c wrote:

This whole site is literally hundreds of people putting things out there with multitudes of people having multitudes of reactions and feelings about hundreds of topics.

Right, and many hundreds of people on this site are told off for posting about things that are gifts from Hashem and not to brag about it, especially with specific details (including their wonderful shalom bayis, or their amazing kids, or their super supportive parents, or their ability to conceive by merely thinking about it...)

amother

Moccasin

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:31 pm

amother Ebony wrote:

$350 sounds like a lot, but other things are also a lot. A plane ticket is more than that. One or two therapy sessions can be that much. Mommy3b2c decided this was a value to her at this point and is worth that much. Maybe it's more worth it to her than getting something else that costs the same. Some people like to decorate their houses, some like cars, some like clothes. She can afford it. I don't think there's anything wrong with it at all.

mommy3b2c

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:32 pm

amother Ruby wrote:

The thing is, if you are going to tell me that I should spend more money on tzedaka, then I’m going to feel the need to defend myself. I do not announce how much tzedaka I give. You have no idea how much I give. And I don’t talk about it in real life or on here. I’m sure you are a nice person too, but look deep inside yourself. Ask yourself if your comments and feelings on this thread aren’t stemming from jealousy. My feelings are that they are. And don’t be jealous of me please. I’m not very rich , and never have been. I just like spending money on my baby. And I have a lot of pain in my life that I assure you wouldn’t be jealous of either. If everyone would mind their own business and stop judging we would all be in a better place. I won’t judge you for your jealousy issues and you don’t judge me for my frivolous spending on my baby. Deal?

amother

Emerald

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:34 pm

amother Thistle wrote:

You forgot the option of raising your kids in a neighborhood where no one has ever heard of moose knuckle sweaters. (Is that even a thing?) Or at the very least, in a neighborhood where it's understood, by adults as well as children, that you don't need this year's trend to fit in.

Teenagers do have a greater need to fit in with their peers than others do. But no three month old infant ever needed a trendy onesie. That baby has a mom who hasn't moved on from her teenage years.

Pls explain..so I live in ny ,
I personally am European, my husband is happy here and so are kids
So u suggesting I should get up and move somewhere less pressuring??
What do you mean? Not feasible for most people
Would love to hear what u mean?

mommy3b2c

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:36 pm

amother Ruby wrote:

And I hate it when they are told off for it. It comes from the same bad middah. Jealousy.
When people post about their pregnancy scares and people tell them off “how dare you complain ? Don’t you know there are others that wish they can get pregnant easily?” I’m disgusted. Even though my pillow Is soaked with tears because I want a baby so badly . Does someone else’s baby take away from me? No it doesn’t. If Hashem wants me to have a baby, He will give me one . Someone else’s good fortune doesn’t take away from mine.