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yachnabobba
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 Thu, Jan 26 2023, 2:41 pm
I’m impressed that the school is dealing with both parents together. It is respectful of your husbands role as a father.
Your daughter is the most important thing in the Uber busy schedule- and yes I understand- we are both working multiple jobs and juggling
They either will finally offer to swap her class
Ask that you send her for therapy or insist you medicate. I doubt they will ask her to leave the school
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amother
Gladiolus
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Thu, Jan 26 2023, 4:03 pm
OP, school meetings are very intimidating! As someone who is often on both sides of the table (my daughter struggles in school and I work as an administrator in a different school), here are my thoughts:
Firstly, the school is absolutely correct to invite you and husband down to a meeting. When a student is having daily incidents and phone communication hasn't resolved the problem, an in-person, collaborative problem solving meeting with both parents is in order. Any resistance on your part will look VERY bad, so even if you are annoyed, it is EXTREMELY important that you put on a cooperative and enthusiastic front. You will be much more successful if the school feels that you are respectful and responsive.
Secondly, it is important to prepare yourself well for the meeting:
1. Find out exactly who will be at the meeting, their positions in the school and their relationships/past interactions with your daughter. Keep in mind, there might be surprise additions. In that case, you can definitely ask why they were invited "at the last minute",which can be a source of insight.
2. Without asking directly, try to tease out the agenda for the meeting. You'll feel a lot better if they do share with you (e.g. We are just very worried about DD and want to figure out how we can support her vs. nightmare scenarios)
3. Know your child. Does she have a history of trouble in school? Do you think this is related to puberty? Is there a family history of trouble, etc. Having your own theories of what is going on is very important, as is having "proof" for your ideas (e.g. DD never darkened the door of the principals office + teacher is 19 years old and insecure + DD is going through an "asking questions" phase). Trust me, the school has plenty of theories you might not like, and it is up to you to represent your child and present the best interpretation of her behavior.
4. How would you like the situation to be resolved? Everyone would agree that frequent run-ins with the school staff and chutzpah is really not OK, especially not for the next 5 months. Come up with one or more practical resolutions to the problem. I am sure that the school has some ideas of their own. It is important to hear them out and be flexible to considering any that you can. Having some of your own ideas can make for a productive give and take.
5. How have you tried to resolve this problem? It is common to get tongue tied and defensive when meeting a school. Remind yourself of all you've tried to do on your own and in conjunction with school to fix things. It may be helpful to mention in conversation. If you haven't done enough, be honest and commit to getting more involved. Nothing is worse than a parent or school insisting that they were super involved when everyone knows it is not the truth.
At the meeting, be open-minded, respectful and appreciative. Do not commit to anything you are not comfortable with doing. Make sure that all interventions are specific, measurable, accountable, realistic and time-bound (SMART).
Hatzlocha!
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momtra
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Thu, Jan 26 2023, 5:49 pm
| amother Gladiolus wrote: | OP, school meetings are very intimidating! As someone who is often on both sides of the table (my daughter struggles in school and I work as an administrator in a different school), here are my thoughts:
Firstly, the school is absolutely correct to invite you and husband down to a meeting. When a student is having daily incidents and phone communication hasn't resolved the problem, an in-person, collaborative problem solving meeting with both parents is in order. Any resistance on your part will look VERY bad, so even if you are annoyed, it is EXTREMELY important that you put on a cooperative and enthusiastic front. You will be much more successful if the school feels that you are respectful and responsive.
Secondly, it is important to prepare yourself well for the meeting:
1. Find out exactly who will be at the meeting, their positions in the school and their relationships/past interactions with your daughter. Keep in mind, there might be surprise additions. In that case, you can definitely ask why they were invited "at the last minute",which can be a source of insight.
2. Without asking directly, try to tease out the agenda for the meeting. You'll feel a lot better if they do share with you (e.g. We are just very worried about DD and want to figure out how we can support her vs. nightmare scenarios)
3. Know your child. Does she have a history of trouble in school? Do you think this is related to puberty? Is there a family history of trouble, etc. Having your own theories of what is going on is very important, as is having "proof" for your ideas (e.g. DD never darkened the door of the principals office + teacher is 19 years old and insecure + DD is going through an "asking questions" phase). Trust me, the school has plenty of theories you might not like, and it is up to you to represent your child and present the best interpretation of her behavior.
4. How would you like the situation to be resolved? Everyone would agree that frequent run-ins with the school staff and chutzpah is really not OK, especially not for the next 5 months. Come up with one or more practical resolutions to the problem. I am sure that the school has some ideas of their own. It is important to hear them out and be flexible to considering any that you can. Having some of your own ideas can make for a productive give and take.
5. How have you tried to resolve this problem? It is common to get tongue tied and defensive when meeting a school. Remind yourself of all you've tried to do on your own and in conjunction with school to fix things. It may be helpful to mention in conversation. If you haven't done enough, be honest and commit to getting more involved. Nothing is worse than a parent or school insisting that they were super involved when everyone knows it is not the truth.
At the meeting, be open-minded, respectful and appreciative. Do not commit to anything you are not comfortable with doing. Make sure that all interventions are specific, measurable, accountable, realistic and time-bound (SMART).
Hatzlocha! |
Great post!
Been at those kinds of meetings. You have to balance being solution oriented, not defensive and at the same time your child’s advocate.
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amother
OP
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Thu, Jan 26 2023, 6:41 pm
| amother Gladiolus wrote: | OP, school meetings are very intimidating! As someone who is often on both sides of the table (my daughter struggles in school and I work as an administrator in a different school), here are my thoughts:
Firstly, the school is absolutely correct to invite you and husband down to a meeting. When a student is having daily incidents and phone communication hasn't resolved the problem, an in-person, collaborative problem solving meeting with both parents is in order. Any resistance on your part will look VERY bad, so even if you are annoyed, it is EXTREMELY important that you put on a cooperative and enthusiastic front. You will be much more successful if the school feels that you are respectful and responsive.
Secondly, it is important to prepare yourself well for the meeting:
1. Find out exactly who will be at the meeting, their positions in the school and their relationships/past interactions with your daughter. Keep in mind, there might be surprise additions. In that case, you can definitely ask why they were invited "at the last minute",which can be a source of insight.
2. Without asking directly, try to tease out the agenda for the meeting. You'll feel a lot better if they do share with you (e.g. We are just very worried about DD and want to figure out how we can support her vs. nightmare scenarios)
3. Know your child. Does she have a history of trouble in school? Do you think this is related to puberty? Is there a family history of trouble, etc. Having your own theories of what is going on is very important, as is having "proof" for your ideas (e.g. DD never darkened the door of the principals office + teacher is 19 years old and insecure + DD is going through an "asking questions" phase). Trust me, the school has plenty of theories you might not like, and it is up to you to represent your child and present the best interpretation of her behavior.
4. How would you like the situation to be resolved? Everyone would agree that frequent run-ins with the school staff and chutzpah is really not OK, especially not for the next 5 months. Come up with one or more practical resolutions to the problem. I am sure that the school has some ideas of their own. It is important to hear them out and be flexible to considering any that you can. Having some of your own ideas can make for a productive give and take.
5. How have you tried to resolve this problem? It is common to get tongue tied and defensive when meeting a school. Remind yourself of all you've tried to do on your own and in conjunction with school to fix things. It may be helpful to mention in conversation. If you haven't done enough, be honest and commit to getting more involved. Nothing is worse than a parent or school insisting that they were super involved when everyone knows it is not the truth.
At the meeting, be open-minded, respectful and appreciative. Do not commit to anything you are not comfortable with doing. Make sure that all interventions are specific, measurable, accountable, realistic and time-bound (SMART).
Hatzlocha! |
Wow, thank you so much for this wonderful post!
I'm so touched by all the replies here . 
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amother
Gladiolus
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Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:12 pm
| amother OP wrote: | I was so taken aback when asked for the meeting.
I can't believe we got to this point. I'm taking this so hard, and so personally.
This is going to sound harsh but I resent my daughter for this quite a bit. We all want nachas, and yes, she's a really great kid, but I wish she didn't put me through this shame. The people at this meeting have strong personalities and I'm going to have a hard time wadling through this one. |
OP, your feelings are very normal. Lots of people feel that way in similar situations. It might be helpful to remember that your DD also wants to give you nachas and must really be struggling.
Plan strategy with your DH before. Sometimes, the presence of a father at the meeting balances things a little better. Its 2 of you, not you alone. And if the school principals are women, sometimes they can be a little more intimidated around a man (please don't throw rotten tomatoes at me, just a pattern I've noticed from my experiences).
It can also be helpful to begin the meeting by expressing your vulnerable feelings in a classy way. Something like: "DD has been in the school X years, and we are so appreciative of the incredible chinuch she's been getting in school. This is the 1st time we've had such a situation and I'm really worried about this. We want to help her and make things better. I was hopeful that everything we've been trying would be helpful. I really can't believe that things have escalated to this point that this meeting was needed and I hope we can work together to figure this out."
Only a really rough and tough person would be harsh after such an introduction...
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Frenchfry
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Thu, Jan 26 2023, 10:26 pm
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What happened, op? How was the meeting?
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