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Forum -> Parenting our children -> School age children
"We want you both to meet with the principal"



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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2023, 5:37 pm
My Six-grade daughter has not been getting along well with her morning teacher. She has been spending lots of time in the principal's office, mostly for small infractions. Its been going on for months now, and at this point much of the school staff is on her case and my daughter sees most of 'them' as the enemy.

She's gotten pretty chutzpah'dig, and I can see how hard they're trying, to deal with her in the proper way.

Note: Nothing else is going on in her life. Things are good at home.

Yesterday I got a call asking that my husband and I come down to meet with 3 of the principal/upper staff. (We are being asked to take time out of our uber busy schedule to make a big fuss about this.)

This is so personally upsetting. I'm already so tired, dealing with a frustrated child and trying to validate her feelings and remind her to be respectful. I dont know how to fix this! I've been on so many phone calls to discuss this issue. I'm at my wits end because I'm not there and I don't know what's actually going on during school hours.

What can I expect at the meeting tomorrow? I'm scared.

Crying
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yachnabobba




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2023, 5:41 pm
I’m impressed that the school is dealing with both parents together. It is respectful of your husbands role as a father.
Your daughter is the most important thing in the Uber busy schedule- and yes I understand- we are both working multiple jobs and juggling
They either will finally offer to swap her class
Ask that you send her for therapy or insist you medicate. I doubt they will ask her to leave the school
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amother
Turquoise


 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2023, 5:43 pm
Can you ask to switch her for a different class in the morning? This is done and many times successfully. Sometimes it's just not a good match.
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amother
Peachpuff


 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2023, 5:54 pm
yachnabobba wrote:
I’m impressed that the school is dealing with both parents together. It is respectful of your husbands role as a father.
Your daughter is the most important thing in the Uber busy schedule- and yes I understand- we are both working multiple jobs and juggling
They either will finally offer to swap her class
Ask that you send her for therapy or
insist you medicate. I doubt they will ask her to leave the school

insist you medicate.
record the meeting. In case they do that.
It is illegal to diagnose a child if your not a licensed psychiatrist.
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amother
Hotpink


 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2023, 6:35 pm
Prepare to partner together with the school. Do not alienate, accuse or antagonize the administration. Be a team. Be, and appear to be, willing and interested in working with them to help your daughter.

By working together you have a much better chance of actually helping your daughter. See what they say, what their experiences with her are. Be open minded and listen and help them understand who DD is.

I know you’re super busy, but having an attitude that this is an annoyance won’t help you.
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amother
Gladiolus


 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2023, 7:03 pm
OP, school meetings are very intimidating! As someone who is often on both sides of the table (my daughter struggles in school and I work as an administrator in a different school), here are my thoughts:
Firstly, the school is absolutely correct to invite you and husband down to a meeting. When a student is having daily incidents and phone communication hasn't resolved the problem, an in-person, collaborative problem solving meeting with both parents is in order. Any resistance on your part will look VERY bad, so even if you are annoyed, it is EXTREMELY important that you put on a cooperative and enthusiastic front. You will be much more successful if the school feels that you are respectful and responsive.
Secondly, it is important to prepare yourself well for the meeting:
1. Find out exactly who will be at the meeting, their positions in the school and their relationships/past interactions with your daughter. Keep in mind, there might be surprise additions. In that case, you can definitely ask why they were invited "at the last minute",which can be a source of insight.
2. Without asking directly, try to tease out the agenda for the meeting. You'll feel a lot better if they do share with you (e.g. We are just very worried about DD and want to figure out how we can support her vs. nightmare scenarios)
3. Know your child. Does she have a history of trouble in school? Do you think this is related to puberty? Is there a family history of trouble, etc. Having your own theories of what is going on is very important, as is having "proof" for your ideas (e.g. DD never darkened the door of the principals office + teacher is 19 years old and insecure + DD is going through an "asking questions" phase). Trust me, the school has plenty of theories you might not like, and it is up to you to represent your child and present the best interpretation of her behavior.
4. How would you like the situation to be resolved? Everyone would agree that frequent run-ins with the school staff and chutzpah is really not OK, especially not for the next 5 months. Come up with one or more practical resolutions to the problem. I am sure that the school has some ideas of their own. It is important to hear them out and be flexible to considering any that you can. Having some of your own ideas can make for a productive give and take.
5. How have you tried to resolve this problem? It is common to get tongue tied and defensive when meeting a school. Remind yourself of all you've tried to do on your own and in conjunction with school to fix things. It may be helpful to mention in conversation. If you haven't done enough, be honest and commit to getting more involved. Nothing is worse than a parent or school insisting that they were super involved when everyone knows it is not the truth.
At the meeting, be open-minded, respectful and appreciative. Do not commit to anything you are not comfortable with doing. Make sure that all interventions are specific, measurable, accountable, realistic and time-bound (SMART).
Hatzlocha!
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amother
Smokey


 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2023, 7:09 pm
It really is concerning that your daughter is not getting along and that she’s spending lots of time in the principals office . It seems like they’ve been very patient and tried to figure out what to do but things can’t go on like this obviously.
The biggest concern is the fact that your daughter has a lot of chutzpah. That’s really unacceptable. She won’t get very far in life like that.
It’s really important that both you and your husband have this meeting to figure out what can be done.
Put academics aside right now. You should want (more than anything) an emotionally stable child who has good middos. Isn’t it good that the school is trying to help with that?
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amother
Almond


 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2023, 7:10 pm
If there's a teacher that your daughter does well with, can you petition for that teacher to be in the meeting so she can hopefully advocate for your daughter?
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amother
Snowflake


 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2023, 8:31 pm
I was the sixth grader in this scenario. It’s such a hard age. You’re an awkward preteen, cliques start forming, you want to be respected and taken seriously but are still viewed as a child…

My heart goes out to you and your daughter.

I never ended up getting along with the school staff but loved my high school principal and behaved perfectly there. There’s hope.

There are some great tips on this thread. Good luck, I’ll be thinking of you!
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momtra




 
 
    
 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2023, 8:49 pm
amother Gladiolus wrote:
OP, school meetings are very intimidating! As someone who is often on both sides of the table (my daughter struggles in school and I work as an administrator in a different school), here are my thoughts:
Firstly, the school is absolutely correct to invite you and husband down to a meeting. When a student is having daily incidents and phone communication hasn't resolved the problem, an in-person, collaborative problem solving meeting with both parents is in order. Any resistance on your part will look VERY bad, so even if you are annoyed, it is EXTREMELY important that you put on a cooperative and enthusiastic front. You will be much more successful if the school feels that you are respectful and responsive.
Secondly, it is important to prepare yourself well for the meeting:
1. Find out exactly who will be at the meeting, their positions in the school and their relationships/past interactions with your daughter. Keep in mind, there might be surprise additions. In that case, you can definitely ask why they were invited "at the last minute",which can be a source of insight.
2. Without asking directly, try to tease out the agenda for the meeting. You'll feel a lot better if they do share with you (e.g. We are just very worried about DD and want to figure out how we can support her vs. nightmare scenarios)
3. Know your child. Does she have a history of trouble in school? Do you think this is related to puberty? Is there a family history of trouble, etc. Having your own theories of what is going on is very important, as is having "proof" for your ideas (e.g. DD never darkened the door of the principals office + teacher is 19 years old and insecure + DD is going through an "asking questions" phase). Trust me, the school has plenty of theories you might not like, and it is up to you to represent your child and present the best interpretation of her behavior.
4. How would you like the situation to be resolved? Everyone would agree that frequent run-ins with the school staff and chutzpah is really not OK, especially not for the next 5 months. Come up with one or more practical resolutions to the problem. I am sure that the school has some ideas of their own. It is important to hear them out and be flexible to considering any that you can. Having some of your own ideas can make for a productive give and take.
5. How have you tried to resolve this problem? It is common to get tongue tied and defensive when meeting a school. Remind yourself of all you've tried to do on your own and in conjunction with school to fix things. It may be helpful to mention in conversation. If you haven't done enough, be honest and commit to getting more involved. Nothing is worse than a parent or school insisting that they were super involved when everyone knows it is not the truth.
At the meeting, be open-minded, respectful and appreciative. Do not commit to anything you are not comfortable with doing. Make sure that all interventions are specific, measurable, accountable, realistic and time-bound (SMART).
Hatzlocha!


Great post!
Been at those kinds of meetings. You have to balance being solution oriented, not defensive and at the same time your child’s advocate.
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2023, 9:41 pm
amother Gladiolus wrote:
OP, school meetings are very intimidating! As someone who is often on both sides of the table (my daughter struggles in school and I work as an administrator in a different school), here are my thoughts:
Firstly, the school is absolutely correct to invite you and husband down to a meeting. When a student is having daily incidents and phone communication hasn't resolved the problem, an in-person, collaborative problem solving meeting with both parents is in order. Any resistance on your part will look VERY bad, so even if you are annoyed, it is EXTREMELY important that you put on a cooperative and enthusiastic front. You will be much more successful if the school feels that you are respectful and responsive.
Secondly, it is important to prepare yourself well for the meeting:
1. Find out exactly who will be at the meeting, their positions in the school and their relationships/past interactions with your daughter. Keep in mind, there might be surprise additions. In that case, you can definitely ask why they were invited "at the last minute",which can be a source of insight.
2. Without asking directly, try to tease out the agenda for the meeting. You'll feel a lot better if they do share with you (e.g. We are just very worried about DD and want to figure out how we can support her vs. nightmare scenarios)
3. Know your child. Does she have a history of trouble in school? Do you think this is related to puberty? Is there a family history of trouble, etc. Having your own theories of what is going on is very important, as is having "proof" for your ideas (e.g. DD never darkened the door of the principals office + teacher is 19 years old and insecure + DD is going through an "asking questions" phase). Trust me, the school has plenty of theories you might not like, and it is up to you to represent your child and present the best interpretation of her behavior.
4. How would you like the situation to be resolved? Everyone would agree that frequent run-ins with the school staff and chutzpah is really not OK, especially not for the next 5 months. Come up with one or more practical resolutions to the problem. I am sure that the school has some ideas of their own. It is important to hear them out and be flexible to considering any that you can. Having some of your own ideas can make for a productive give and take.
5. How have you tried to resolve this problem? It is common to get tongue tied and defensive when meeting a school. Remind yourself of all you've tried to do on your own and in conjunction with school to fix things. It may be helpful to mention in conversation. If you haven't done enough, be honest and commit to getting more involved. Nothing is worse than a parent or school insisting that they were super involved when everyone knows it is not the truth.
At the meeting, be open-minded, respectful and appreciative. Do not commit to anything you are not comfortable with doing. Make sure that all interventions are specific, measurable, accountable, realistic and time-bound (SMART).
Hatzlocha!


Wow, thank you so much for this wonderful post!

I'm so touched by all the replies here . Smile
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amother
OP


 

Post Thu, Jan 26 2023, 9:46 pm
I was so taken aback when asked for the meeting.

I can't believe we got to this point. I'm taking this so hard, and so personally.

This is going to sound harsh but I resent my daughter for this quite a bit. We all want nachas, and yes, she's a really great kid, but I wish she didn't put me through this shame. The people at this meeting have strong personalities and I'm going to have a hard time wadling through this one.
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amother
Gladiolus


 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2023, 1:12 am
amother OP wrote:
I was so taken aback when asked for the meeting.

I can't believe we got to this point. I'm taking this so hard, and so personally.

This is going to sound harsh but I resent my daughter for this quite a bit. We all want nachas, and yes, she's a really great kid, but I wish she didn't put me through this shame. The people at this meeting have strong personalities and I'm going to have a hard time wadling through this one.


OP, your feelings are very normal. Lots of people feel that way in similar situations. It might be helpful to remember that your DD also wants to give you nachas and must really be struggling.

Plan strategy with your DH before. Sometimes, the presence of a father at the meeting balances things a little better. Its 2 of you, not you alone. And if the school principals are women, sometimes they can be a little more intimidated around a man (please don't throw rotten tomatoes at me, just a pattern I've noticed from my experiences).

It can also be helpful to begin the meeting by expressing your vulnerable feelings in a classy way. Something like: "DD has been in the school X years, and we are so appreciative of the incredible chinuch she's been getting in school. This is the 1st time we've had such a situation and I'm really worried about this. We want to help her and make things better. I was hopeful that everything we've been trying would be helpful. I really can't believe that things have escalated to this point that this meeting was needed and I hope we can work together to figure this out."

Only a really rough and tough person would be harsh after such an introduction...
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Frenchfry




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2023, 1:26 am
What happened, op? How was the meeting?
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amother
Puce


 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2023, 9:42 am
Hugs.

If she's acting out, she's likely in pain. She's trying to cope, obviously not in ways that are good. So she needs help. Love, boundaries, maybe professional involvement... Maybe curiosity as to what's REALLY bothering her

As you know, she doesn't WANT to shame you. She probably feels ashamed too.

(With my 6th grade daughter, shame is sometimes the REASON she acts out)
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amother
Brickred


 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2023, 10:44 am
amother OP wrote:
I was so taken aback when asked for the meeting.

I can't believe we got to this point. I'm taking this so hard, and so personally.

This is going to sound harsh but I resent my daughter for this quite a bit. We all want nachas, and yes, she's a really great kid, but I wish she didn't put me through this shame. The people at this meeting have strong personalities and I'm going to have a hard time wadling through this one.


Sometimes it's the teachers problem, especially if she's generally a good kid. Ask the afternoon teacher how your daughter is in the afternoom. Sometimes a kid just doesn't get along with the teacher, or the teacher can't control the class, or the teacher has a pick on a girl and instigates her.
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