Does money belong to the husband?

amother

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 7:31 pm

I work hard and make some money. Obviously most of it goes into our shared bank account and is for my husband and family to use.

But I do like to put away some money for myself so I can spend on some personal stuff without giving an exact report to my husband after every purchase.

My husband is very upset and keeps saying that in “normal” families, and according to Halacha, the money belongs to the husband and whenever I need anything I can ask him for money and he’ll always give me. He also offered to give me “pocket money”.

Maybe I’m wrong but I’m mad. I’m not his daughter who has to ask for money whenever I want to buy something. It makes me feel like a kid, like his object, he is my boss and I’m his employee or something.

Is this Halacha? I won’t follow it.
Is this truly the norm?

amother

Chocolate

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 7:33 pm

I am yeshivish and we consider our money jointly ours. DH does not police my spending, but of course I would consult with him about a big purchase. I do let him have a little more say over finances, just because he’s better at it.

amother

Hosta

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 7:35 pm

Halachikly speaking, I believe that any money brought in by the wife belongs to the husband. However it’s also Halacha that the husband provide the wife with all her needs.

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 7:37 pm

Nowadays when the wife makes the same as the husband it's not so simple. And it's definitely wrong for him to insist on this.

notshanarishona

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 7:42 pm

I am in charge of our budget, my husband asks me if we have the money to buy x,yz. Not that he asks me permission but I have better knowledge of our finances and what money is coming in than he does (I am also the primary breadwinner).

amother

Jean

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 7:45 pm

Halachicly I think he’s right.

We keep our petty cash in one place and we each take as much as we need from there.
We also each have a CC for larger (but still insignificant) purchases.

Any really big purchase get discussed together.

“Asking” for money is degrading. He can be in charge of the money but you must have access to enough, to take as much as you need without measuring every dollar.

amother

Forestgreen

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 7:53 pm

My. husband spends money as. he pleases, and always insisted on getting my paycheck. SO, I dont work. I spend HIS money. Now thats torah.

amother

Fuchsia

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 7:57 pm

Afaik it's not the norm for couples to act this way, and it's strange that it bothers him so much. I would suspect that he's abusive. Is he a very controlling type?

HarrietW

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 8:11 pm

According to Halacha you can exempt him from his obligations towards you and the your money is yours and you don’t owe him anything.

My husband is totally not the type and I officially did this because I don’t want to be busy thinking that I owe it to him to cook. I also wanted to be able to spend without thinking that maybe according to Halacha I should ask, and this includes maaser.

Me and my husband never had this dynamic in our relationship, I did it purely for Halacha. I wish they would teach this to us. I work, and I want to. I want to be independent and not owe my husband anything.

You can literally just say you don’t have to feed me and the money is yours.

newinbp

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 8:14 pm

amother Fuchsia wrote:

Afaik it's not the norm for couples to act this way, and it's strange that it bothers him so much. I would suspect that he's abusive. Is he a very controlling type?

How can someone suggest abuse from one statement??

socialbutterfly

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 8:18 pm

Taking this from a different angle…

Could it be that your husband doesn’t feel useful to you in your relationship? Men want to feel needed by their wives. Perhaps he’s lacking that feeling from you and is trying to create it by being in charge of the money and wanting you to ask for it.

I’m not saying that it’s a nice thing to do or excusing him. I just wonder if there’s something behind all of this that if it were to change this would no longer be an issue.

vintagebknyc

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 8:21 pm

newinbp wrote:

How can someone suggest abuse from one statement??

Because this has all the hallmarks of financial abuse

Trademark

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 8:26 pm

amother Jean wrote:

Halachicly I think he’s right.

Then he's dead right... (You know what else it says in halacha? You don't have to support your child once they turn six, etc, etc. and other examples I won't write as not to cause a storm)

It's disrespectful to tell a wife if you need money, ask. It's degrading to ask every time you want something and feel a need to explain yourself.

Nowadays it's very common for couples to do the finances together.

amother

Black

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 8:31 pm

amother Hosta wrote:

Halachikly speaking, I believe that any money brought in by the wife belongs to the husband. However it’s also Halacha that the husband provide the wife with all her needs.

What does that mean?
Never heard or even thought about it.

In our home, we got married - he joined my bank account and we always deposit our money there. There's never a question of 'who' has more say over it. Out expenses are 'our' expenses and we budget for extras together. Why is it his or hers??

amother

Turquoise

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 8:31 pm

Weather money "belongs" to husband or not, you should try to come up with a solution that you and your husband are comfortable with. It's a marriage issue just like any other. You want one thing, your husband isn't comfortable with it. Hopefully with good will on both ends and communication you can come to a decision that you both are ok with.

amother

Jean

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 8:32 pm

Trademark wrote:

Seriously? Did you read the rest of my post? Why are you looking for confrontation?

amother

Hosta

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 8:33 pm

amother Black wrote:

I’m no Rabbi so I can’t answer the “whys.” This is just what I know to be true according to halacha. Ask a halachik authority to be sure this info is correct.

Most couples probably never have this conversation. Most couples seem to treat things like teamwork, not you vs me.

Trademark

Thu, Jan 26 2023, 8:35 pm

amother Jean wrote:

Seriously? Did you read the rest of my post? Why are you looking for confrontation?

Sorry I didn't mean to confront you. It was just a general point about if it's halacha or not, I didn't mean your post specifically.