What to do/send to non-Jewish colleague when parent passes

amother

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 7:34 am

I co-teach with a young woman whose mother is dying. It's brutal to watch the toll it's taking on her. My heart literally breaks for her some days. Being in such close quarters together for so many hours every day, we have become close friends (as much as she can understand our lifestyle and me hers).
My question is what to do when her mother passes. I can't go to the funeral (she will understand) but I would like to send or do something for her to show I care. If it makes a difference, the family has decided on cremation. Does anyone know the appropriate thing to do? I'm not familiar with the social norms outside of the Jewish community in this situation.

singleagain

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 7:41 am

amother Pewter wrote:

You can still send food or flowers

Yup. Food is still quite appreciated.

Comedian Jeanne Robertson told a store about sending her left brain husband to the grocery store so she could make a pound cake, which is what she does when someone is sick or has passed .. but she mentions that her community "takes over food" and in another story she asks her grandson what will happen when Nini passes and he says "someone will bring a pound cake"

So... Yeah food is always a good thing.

I'm also sure that she'll have time off for bereavement leave ... You can offer to visit with her .. maybe take her out for a coffee or something...

Chickensoupprof

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 7:43 am

I also vote for food, u can bake a cake for her or indeed give her flowers. Just be nice non-Jews don't bite.

sequoia

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 8:02 am

Chickensoupprof wrote:

I also vote for food, u can bake a cake for her or indeed give her flowers. Just be nice non-Jews don't bite.

Some do

amother

Clematis

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 8:17 am

In the grocery store a few weeks ago I was at the checkout counter right behind a woman who broke down and told the cashier that her husband of 20 years had died a few days ago. She was crying, and the cashier and I got emotional too.

I was surprised that in the week of a death she was out doing her own groceries. I guess since there’s no shiva rules that can happen…

Maybe find out if you can do an errand run for her in addition to a cake… it might be thoughtful and helpful for her too.

amother

Fern

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 8:24 am

Gift card/voucher for food delivery. A meal is better than a cake and she can use it when she needs it.
You can also donate money to a charity in her mother's honor and they'll send her a card. I did this for a colleague using a local food bank type charity.

amother

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 8:30 am

She just passed 😢. I'm going to get the address and send over a food delivery just so they have something to eat for now first. What type of food place is appropriate?

PinkFridge

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 8:36 am

Chickensoupprof wrote:

I also vote for food, u can bake a cake for her or indeed give her flowers. Just be nice non-Jews don't bite.

Sounds like from her OP she knows that already. Wink

PinkFridge

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 8:38 am

sequoia wrote:

Some do

Oh. Then I sit corrected. But in this particular case, it doesn't seem to be so.
( Wink

)

Chickensoupprof

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 8:38 am

amother OP wrote:

She just passed 😢. I'm going to get the address and send over a food delivery just so they have something to eat for now first. What type of food place is appropriate?

Something pastery/cake like, something warm... You can go to a kosher place give her some chicken soup, and some meat. My grandmother when she was still good always went with a pan of soup and people are still talking about this.

PinkFridge

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 8:39 am

amother OP wrote:

She just passed 😢. I'm going to get the address and send over a food delivery just so they have something to eat for now first. What type of food place is appropriate?

Sorry to hear the news. I hope your colleague is able to get what she needs out of whatever bereavement time she has.

Last edited by PinkFridge on Fri, Jan 27 2023, 8:43 am; edited 1 time in total

amother

Fern

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 8:42 am

If you're specifically sending now, I'd actually recommend using a kosher place that does Shiva trays. No hassle with containers or heating up, it's packaged nicely and can go straight in the fridge after delivery.

vintagebknyc

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 8:45 am

Food or flowers. It's not unlikely they will have people coming over (you may want to drop by, if you can) and a platter of sandwiches is always welcome.

singleagain

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 8:50 am

amother Amber wrote:

https://www.amazon.com/Small-Miracles-Beyond-Dreams-Visions/dp/1454912847/ref=sr_1_1?crid=SCIDCXO8HJ8A&keywords=small+miracles+from+beyond&qid=1674827228&sprefix=small+miracles+from+be%2Caps%2C778&sr=8-1

As a person... I might find that a little insulting... Unless you know it's the type of thing a person will appreciate don't do it.

singleagain

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 8:50 am

amother OP wrote:

She just passed 😢. I'm going to get the address and send over a food delivery just so they have something to eat for now first. What type of food place is appropriate?

Send over whatever food you know she likes... Or if you know she has a comfort food...

PinkFridge

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 8:54 am

singleagain wrote:

As a person... I might find that a little insulting... Unless you know it's the type of thing a person will appreciate don't do it.

I don't know if I'd say insulting, but despite the non-sectarianism we look at this series as having, it could be perceived as religious.

singleagain

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 8:56 am

PinkFridge wrote:

I don't know if I'd say insulting, but despite the non-sectarianism we look at this series as having, it could be perceived as religious.

Me personally.. I would find it insulting. Maybe other people wouldn't. But I was sharing my personal opinion.

amother

Fern

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 8:57 am

I'd never send an inspirational type book to someone dealing with a loss unless I knew them very well and knew they'd be the type to appreciate it.