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Forum -> Relationships -> Manners & Etiquette
What to do/send to non-Jewish colleague when parent passes
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PinkFridge




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2023, 9:04 am
singleagain wrote:
Me personally.. I would find it insulting. Maybe other people wouldn't. But I was sharing my personal opinion.


My point - and I think I should have made it differently - was that insulting or not, you are spot on. It's not appropriate under the circumstances.

And I'm glad amother found it helpful.


Last edited by PinkFridge on Fri, Jan 27 2023, 9:05 am; edited 1 time in total
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vintagebknyc




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2023, 9:04 am
singleagain wrote:
As a person... I might find that a little insulting... Unless you know it's the type of thing a person will appreciate don't do it.


I was given something similar when my father died. I recall throwing it across the room.
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amother
Ruby


 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2023, 9:11 am
No inspirational books please. That’s the last thing I’d have wanted when I was sitting shiva.
A sandwich platter sounded like a good idea. You can add a cookie platter or a cut fruit platter. If you know her you probably know what foods she likes.
It’s the gesture that’s appreciated. I just sent a sympathy card to a non-Jewish acquaintance and I was surprised at how much she appreciated it. She was feeling very alone and even though I only wrote a few words it meant a lot to her. You can find one wherever you buy greeting cards.
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amother
Diamond


 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2023, 9:19 am
In addition to food, when the funeral info comes out often they have a note like "in lieu of flowers make a donation to x organization." If it's not a religious organization then I'll donate to that in their memory and send a sympathy card.
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amother
OP


 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2023, 10:39 am
I ended up ordering from an Italian Grill place a couple of trays of different food, salads, and rolls. When the dust settles the family will have what to eat and they can put some away for tomorrow. Our building is also doing a collection for a Visa gift card to help cover some of the funeral expenses (or to use for whatever the family needs).

How does it work with going to the funeral home for the service? Some of my colleagues plan to go ( they are all non-Jewish) and since there won't be a funeral in a church, I'm thinking I should go as well. What is appropriate to wear, weekday? Black? I've never done this before.

Thank you everyone for your help with this.
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2023, 10:43 am
amother OP wrote:
I ended up ordering from an Italian Grill place a couple of trays of different food, salads, and rolls. When the dust settles the family will have what to eat and they can put some away for tomorrow. Our building is also doing a collection for a Visa gift card to help cover some of the funeral expenses (or to use for whatever the family needs).

How does it work with going to the funeral home for the service? Some of my colleagues plan to go ( they are all non-Jewish) and since there won't be a funeral in a church, I'm thinking I should go as well. What is appropriate to wear, weekday? Black? I've never done this before.

Thank you everyone for your help with this.


My non-Jewish college is saying darker colors are more appropriate it does t have t ok be totally nalc. But like navy blue or charcoal is also okay. It doesn't have to be so formal like a blazer or something. But it shouldn't be showy or anything.

Maybe ask some of your coworkers who are attending more specific questions.
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amother
Fern


 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2023, 10:43 am
amother OP wrote:
I ended up ordering from an Italian Grill place a couple of trays of different food, salads, and rolls. When the dust settles the family will have what to eat and they can put some away for tomorrow. Our building is also doing a collection for a Visa gift card to help cover some of the funeral expenses (or to use for whatever the family needs).

How does it work with going to the funeral home for the service? Some of my colleagues plan to go ( they are all non-Jewish) and since there won't be a funeral in a church, I'm thinking I should go as well. What is appropriate to wear, weekday? Black? I've never done this before.

Thank you everyone for your help with this.

I attended a memorial in a funeral home for a colleague's mother. (It wasn't a service and it wasn't a church.) Business casual is appropriate, subdued colors. It was mostly milling around and sharing condolences.
Be prepared there may be an open casket. (I washed my hands when I got home just like you'd do after attending a levaya.)
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vintagebknyc




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2023, 10:46 am
amother OP wrote:
I ended up ordering from an Italian Grill place a couple of trays of different food, salads, and rolls. When the dust settles the family will have what to eat and they can put some away for tomorrow. Our building is also doing a collection for a Visa gift card to help cover some of the funeral expenses (or to use for whatever the family needs).

How does it work with going to the funeral home for the service? Some of my colleagues plan to go ( they are all non-Jewish) and since there won't be a funeral in a church, I'm thinking I should go as well. What is appropriate to wear, weekday? Black? I've never done this before.

Thank you everyone for your help with this.


Just a dark dress, or shirt and top, is fine.
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amother
NeonBlue


 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2023, 11:05 am
I would appreciate opinions on sending the book Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul, to a friend in a similar situation.
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vintagebknyc




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2023, 11:08 am
amother NeonBlue wrote:
I would appreciate opinions on sending the book Chicken Soup for the Grieving Soul, to a friend in a similar situation.


I wouldn't. Everyone grieves differently.
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CatLady




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2023, 11:12 am
Definitely no self-help or inspirational books. You may want to give them an Uber Eats gift card so they can order something on a night when they're just not up to cooking, or make a donation to the charity they specify in the obituary.
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singleagain




 
 
    
 

Post Fri, Jan 27 2023, 12:57 pm
vintagebknyc wrote:
I wouldn't. Everyone grieves differently.


Agree...unless you know for a fact that they would appreciate it.. err on the side of caution and don't
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