How to raise children to be jealous free

List of Forums + New Post Recipe Box Usergroups Following Log in

Join Now

| | | | |

Forum -> Parenting our children

View latest: 24h 48h 72h

amother

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 10:42 am

How can we raise children to truly be happy with what they have and not be consumed with jealousy and spend a life comparing what they have to what others have?

I can’t relate to these feelings but since I read about 10 posts a day on here by women drowning in jealousy I’m really concerned. I don’t want my children to be a slave to the world of jealousy.

amother

Topaz

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 10:48 am

For some it’s a natural thing they are born jealous and need to work on it.

But I think the atmosphere in the house can also really help or hinder this feeling/ behavior.

I think raising grateful children being grateful ur self and having a happy home is the first ingredient. I also think it dismissing a child’s asks and needs for things is also important, you need to validate their wants,

NechaMom

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 10:49 am

*Teach them from when they eat solids to always “look into their own plate” and be happy with what they have. They’ll get more if they need more, not because their sibling has more.
*Display genuine happiness for others who have more than you. “I’m so happy for the Cohens who bought a new mansion” “I’m so happy the Greens are going to Cancun” “I’m so happy for your classmate who won the raffle”
*Don't make life so “fair” at home. Not everyone needs new shoes, knapsack, toys because one sibling needed. Reinforce the concept that everyone gets what they need when they need it.

amother

Tanzanite

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 10:50 am

I feel I got my jealousy from my parents. If they would always have that attitiude of being gratefull it would have been much more easier for me.

amother

Topaz

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 10:51 am

NechaMom wrote:

I think some of this can make children resentful and not feel heard

amother

Snow

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 10:59 am

Hmm that’s really tough.

I grew up with very little, I didn’t want much but the little that I wanted I was denied.

After my sisters and I got older, made our own money and married we began to have this type of stuff war. Who can get the most pairs of Gucci shoes, nicest wigs, diamonds and biggest homes? I was consumed. Even the kitchen kettle needs to be McKenzie Childs and the kids weekday clothing Wynken ect.

Then I moved away. Far away from the tri state area. To a place where if your kids wear lil legs on Shabbos they are cool. This was a shocker to me. Big time. When my husbands friend made fun of my Chanel shoes I was so shocked they not only he was not impressed he was mocking me for spending on my shoes. That’s when my whole mindset changed. But sadly, I only realized this once I moved out of the cholent. My kids couldn’t care less about these things and I’m happy with my small older house. I still like nice things but I can get nice mid level things that are not ostentatious.

My sisters are still caught up in this war plus they have lots of cc debt.

I actually married into money but my husband is so simple. I need to beg him to go away (all paid for) he prefers to stay home. He got everything he wanted for a a child and therefore he don’t have this desire to fill his life with things. I recognize I have this because I wasn’t given my needs as a child.

Hope I’m making sense.

NechaMom

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 11:01 am

amother Topaz wrote:

I think some of this can make children resentful and not feel heard

No, it actually makes them feel very safe and content.
They know they get what they need when they need it.
The comments about being happy for others is what I say at random times whenever it comes up in a conversation that someone has something exciting. It’s not like they’re complaining that they don’t have and I answer “I’m so happy for the Cohens”.
I try to instill the concept of farginning and being happy for others whenever I have the opportunity. That includes being happy for siblings.

crust

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 11:30 am

What is wrong with being jealous? It's like asking how do we raise children that are never sad angry or boastful?

We are all human and therefore expected to have these emotions.

The focus should be on raising children (and first oneself) to feel their jealousy but not act on it.

Feeling jealousy means;

You are jealous.
You feel it.
You admit it.
You accept that you're human.
You let it move through your body wherever you feel it.
You grieve the unfairness of life.
You might need a good shoulder to cry on.

Then you move on.

It doesn't hostage you.

Acting on jealousy means;

You feel jealous.
You don't admit it.
You deny it even to yourself.
You think it's shameful to be jealous.
You think you're horrible for it.

You start badmouthing the person or behavior you're jealous about.

Talking to people that have so much more than you becomes painful.

You do or buy things in order to fit in so you're not so jealous.

You become bitter.
The jealousy holds you hostaged in some way.

amother

Cherry

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 1:46 pm

It's a very simple rule:
For ruchnius matters: you look at those with more than you and try to be like them.
For gashmiyus: you look at those with less than you and see how you can be of help.

amother

Dimgray

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 1:50 pm

You can strengthen your emunah so they feel it I guess.
But Hashem made a world where we have middos that we need to work on so your kids may have to work on it anyway.

amother

Fri, Jan 27 2023, 2:02 pm

Obviously we are all human and have emotions. I am referring to those that are completely consumed by it and they spend their lives just being jealous of everything. I do a lot of the things people suggested here and so far they seem to be happy with their lot. I hope I can continue on this path. I want them to experience happiness and being happy with the good they have, I don’t want them to have a life of bitterness.

amother

Gold

Sat, Jan 28 2023, 2:11 pm

You can try to talk about ideas, not about stuff. I remember being shocked as a child the first time I was at a shabbos table where the family talked about which neighbors had a new car, and who was renovating, etc.

The thing is that people are different. Some are more jealous than others. I agree that you should acknowledge that you want something and then move on, rather than pretending that you don't care.

Reality

Sat, Jan 28 2023, 3:23 pm

You can talk to your kids about not being jealous from today until tomorrow but if you live your life constantly comparing and commenting on what everyone else has you are wasting your breath.

Live your life being happy with what you have and being happy for other people and most likely your kids will learn from you.

Rappel

Sat, Jan 28 2023, 3:30 pm

Say out loud how thankful/grateful you are for many little things that happen to you throughout your day

amother

Lawngreen

Sat, Jan 28 2023, 6:53 pm

I think some of it has nothing to do with stuff but with feelings of general insecurity. Sometimes it has nothing to do with you or what you did.

amother

Lime

Sat, Jan 28 2023, 7:43 pm

Some people have a bigger tendency for jealousy than others and I believe it’s mostly an inborn personality more than what’s taught at home.

amother

NeonBlue

Sat, Jan 28 2023, 9:41 pm

crust wrote:

Totally agree.

If people didn't struggle with jealousy it wouldn't be one of the aseres hadibros.

It's just one aspect of our character that we struggle with, some more than others.

Remember also that a mitzvah is a nesinas koach. When Hashem gives us a mitzvah He also gives us the strength to carry it out. So next time your jealousy gets activated remember, "Hashem gave us a mitzvah not to be jealous, this means I have the power within me to overcome it."

It's a very unhealthy mind state to always be comparing what you have with others. I think the best way to raise children is just as you said--to teach them that these feelings are okay, we all get unpleasant feelings at times, and we can accept that we have them and move on.

Page 1 of 1