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amother
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 Sat, Jan 28 2023, 8:35 pm
So money is tight right now. B"H we have what we need, but with inflation the way that it is, we're dipping into savings in a way that really isn't doable long-term. We're working on increasing our hours, earning more money in different ways, but not in a way that's affected the kids at this point.
My oldest is a teenager. We are pretty frugal as a rule, and always have been, with ourselves and with the kids. We've bought my oldest things in the past, though, a couple of times because it was really true that "everyone else" had them and we didn't want him to be the odd one out. Usually we don't, though. Our other kids don't really need this, and he always has needed it more than them, but we've tried to find a balance.
He's now going through a phase where he's constantly asking for us to buy him things. If we say yes ("I need the next size undershirts"), he gets all upset if we don't drop everything and get them for him right away. Saying "I'll order some tonight after the younger kids go to sleep" doesn't help. And if we say that we understand he wants something and he's welcome to buy it with his own money, he gets really upset at us.
We have a million sets of sheets and blankets, many of which are hand-me-downs from a relative who was downsizing. Tonight he decided he needs a better set of sheets. All of our options are ugly. He also needs another comforter -- all of ours are too heavy, he wants a lighter one. I told him that I heard him, and that we're happy with the variety of sheets and blankets that we have, but he's welcome to buy himself the kind that he likes if he wants to.
His response was "You have a LOT more money than I do! Why should I spend my money on stuff like this?"
He has a bunch of money from his bar mitzvah, birthdays, and lemonade sales and things that he made when he was younger. He is also planning on working this summer. He spends virtually nothing, ever.
I responded that "Yes, we have a lot more money, and we also have a lot more expenses than you do, B"H."
But he thinks we're just hoarding our money and refusing to spend it on him. Honestly, if we did have all the money in the world, I don't think I'd spend it on spoiling him. BUt the truth is that we don't, and it's tight right now. I'm not supposed to tell him that, right? Am I?
And I'm assuming this is a normal teenage response? I should just ignore it and smile, right?
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amother
Sand
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Sat, Jan 28 2023, 8:39 pm
| amother OP wrote: | So money is tight right now. B"H we have what we need, but with inflation the way that it is, we're dipping into savings in a way that really isn't doable long-term. We're working on increasing our hours, earning more money in different ways, but not in a way that's affected the kids at this point.
My oldest is a teenager. We are pretty frugal as a rule, and always have been, with ourselves and with the kids. We've bought my oldest things in the past, though, a couple of times because it was really true that "everyone else" had them and we didn't want him to be the odd one out. Usually we don't, though. Our other kids don't really need this, and he always has needed it more than them, but we've tried to find a balance.
He's now going through a phase where he's constantly asking for us to buy him things. If we say yes ("I need the next size undershirts"), he gets all upset if we don't drop everything and get them for him right away. Saying "I'll order some tonight after the younger kids go to sleep" doesn't help. And if we say that we understand he wants something and he's welcome to buy it with his own money, he gets really upset at us.
We have a million sets of sheets and blankets, many of which are hand-me-downs from a relative who was downsizing. Tonight he decided he needs a better set of sheets. All of our options are ugly. He also needs another comforter -- all of ours are too heavy, he wants a lighter one. I told him that I heard him, and that we're happy with the variety of sheets and blankets that we have, but he's welcome to buy himself the kind that he likes if he wants to.
His response was "You have a LOT more money than I do! Why should I spend my money on stuff like this?"
He has a bunch of money from his bar mitzvah, birthdays, and lemonade sales and things that he made when he was younger. He is also planning on working this summer. He spends virtually nothing, ever.
I responded that "Yes, we have a lot more money, and we also have a lot more expenses than you do, B"H."
But he thinks we're just hoarding our money and refusing to spend it on him. Honestly, if we did have all the money in the world, I don't think I'd spend it on spoiling him. BUt the truth is that we don't, and it's tight right now. I'm not supposed to tell him that, right? Am I?
And I'm assuming this is a normal teenage response? I should just ignore it and smile, right? |
He sounds spoiled and entitled. Where did he ever get the idea to expect and get anything he wants?
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mushkamothers
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Sat, Jan 28 2023, 8:40 pm
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You definitely don't tell him that it's tight, even though the comment really hits home because it is. And even if you were rolling in dough, I wouldn't buy every whim and desire, on principle. So your financial situation is irrelevant. If he needs undershirts, it's a necessity and you buy it. If he wants a better blanket, you decide from purely a chinuch perspective if and how you are / are not giving into this. He can spend his own money. He can sell some stuff. He can just manage.
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westchestermom
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Sat, Jan 28 2023, 8:43 pm
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You sound totally reasonable. My oldest child obviously gets mostly new things while my littles wear hand me downs but the oldest one is the only one who thinks of random things to want. I had to find a dark purple comforter because the other ones were childish or too small or too big but I definitely draw the line and tell her we can save some purchases for the next birthday and we're not redecorating or buying all of your wishes on a random Tuesday. If I let her she would empty her bank account too. They don't have to get everything they want.
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amother
Rainbow
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Sat, Jan 28 2023, 11:06 pm
Your son sounds pretty normal to me, yes, some kids don't as for much, doesn't make your child entitled, spoiled or whatever. Good for him that he feels comfortable asking you for what he needs, don't take that for granted.
I tell my kids ( not yet teens) that hashem gives us sufficient $$ for everything we need & for some things we want, & we need to pick & chose our wants carefully since we cannot have them all. I don't have practical advice for teens though.
With the bedding example, I would really listen & acknowledge his concerns, & then say something along the lines of for right now we're not buying any new bedding. Like this he doesn't feel dismissed or ignored but also knows you don't buy unnecessary items at a whim.
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imasinger
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Sat, Jan 28 2023, 11:57 pm
Kids generally work best with structure. How's this?
For the linens: "Even the wealthiest of parents sometimes say no. If we tell you we have plenty of something already, then the rule is, if you want something different, you pay for it."
For the undershirts: "in the richest of corporations, you still have to submit a purchase order even for things that are completely permitted, and let it process. We feel it's an important life lesson for you to wait, as well as the respectful thing to do. If you're worried we'll forget, you can write a note and leave it on..."
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giftedmom
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Sun, Jan 29 2023, 12:15 am
It’s not our job as parents to make sure our kids never get upset.
As long as you’re confident in your decisions on what to get or to not get him, you can empathize with his frustration and stick to your decision. It’s okay. Your child’s emotions aren’t the deciding factor here.
Too many parents rush to fix their child’s feelings to save them from ever being upset or disappointed. It’s okay, really, and very healthy for him to not get a 50th comforter and be upset about it.
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Bnei Berak 10
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Sun, Jan 29 2023, 3:55 am
| amother Bluebonnet wrote: | | Why wouldn’t you tell a teenager money is tight? he’s old enough to understand a budget, why not sit him down and walk through your family’s finances with him? Doesn’t need to be all the gory details, a teenager is old enough to be taught the realities of running a home? |
THIS THIS THIS
I wish my mother ע"ה would have opened up income and monthly expenses as I was a teen and full of complaints 
A teen fast forward is a young adult who will have to deal with bills and expenses.
Its high time to open the accounting books, credit card statements and bills with their due date.
As I say, there's nothing like seeing the real thing hands-on.
I had a friend long time ago when nobody had cell phones. Her brother was living at home and working. He paid the phone bill (Her father had countless fights about high phone bills with son.)
Until today I have much respect for her father's approach and solution.
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Bnei Berak 10
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Sun, Jan 29 2023, 4:07 am
| amother OP wrote: | So money is tight right now. B"H we have what we need, but with inflation the way that it is, we're dipping into savings in a way that really isn't doable long-term. We're working on increasing our hours, earning more money in different ways, but not in a way that's affected the kids at this point.
My oldest is a teenager. We are pretty frugal as a rule, and always have been, with ourselves and with the kids. We've bought my oldest things in the past, though, a couple of times because it was really true that "everyone else" had them and we didn't want him to be the odd one out. Usually we don't, though. Our other kids don't really need this, and he always has needed it more than them, but we've tried to find a balance.
He's now going through a phase where he's constantly asking for us to buy him things. If we say yes ("I need the next size undershirts"), he gets all upset if we don't drop everything and get them for him right away. Saying "I'll order some tonight after the younger kids go to sleep" doesn't help. And if we say that we understand he wants something and he's welcome to buy it with his own money, he gets really upset at us.
We have a million sets of sheets and blankets, many of which are hand-me-downs from a relative who was downsizing. Tonight he decided he needs a better set of sheets. All of our options are ugly. He also needs another comforter -- all of ours are too heavy, he wants a lighter one. I told him that I heard him, and that we're happy with the variety of sheets and blankets that we have, but he's welcome to buy himself the kind that he likes if he wants to.
His response was "You have a LOT more money than I do! Why should I spend my money on stuff like this?"
He has a bunch of money from his bar mitzvah, birthdays, and lemonade sales and things that he made when he was younger. He is also planning on working this summer. He spends virtually nothing, ever.
I responded that "Yes, we have a lot more money, and we also have a lot more expenses than you do, B"H."
But he thinks we're just hoarding our money and refusing to spend it on him. Honestly, if we did have all the money in the world, I don't think I'd spend it on spoiling him. BUt the truth is that we don't, and it's tight right now. I'm not supposed to tell him that, right? Am I?
And I'm assuming this is a normal teenage response? I should just ignore it and smile, right? |
Since your son doesn't spend money on himself in actually think he could become your "good thrifty business partner" in the near future once you open up the expense sheet to him 
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