So upset about splitting the restaurant bill

amother

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:42 am

Relatives asked if we can join them to dine out. We are tight on money. We decided to join but order minimum. We took it a step further and looked at the menu before hand and decided what to order as not to overspend while in the moment. Besides main course Relatives ordered appetizers drinks desserts wine. We did not take from it to show we are not paying for it. Bill came. As I'm dividing the tip and tax relative grabs it and says way easier to just spilt. I said I rather not. Relative says makes no sense. And too much of a hassle . It got uncomfortable and we just split it. Was 85 extra for us.
It's bothering me too much

118

amother

Mistyrose

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:52 am

Wow I would also be so upset
They put you in such an uncomfortable posotion
It was either just split the bill or have to explain that you cant financially

amother

Indigo

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:55 am

Wow, that's upsetting! Can you fill us in in the numbers? I don't see why "it made sense" to split if the was such a large disparity between what you ordered and what they ordered.

How many people were there in total? If it was just 2 couples then for you to have paid an extra $85 would mean that you ordered $100 and they ordered $270 and each side paid $185. That would be ridiculous. Was there many people in the group?

amother

Wine

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:57 am

I would be furious also!

Is either a really bad person or financially stable enough to not even realize that an extra $85 for someone would be something to worry about.

Take it as a lesson to be sensative to others in the future and clearly state how Bill will be paid at the onset of a dinner.

Reality

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 9:57 am

What an embarrassing situation to be placed in! I'm so sorry! These other people seem quite clueless and I'd nix going out to dinner with them anytime soon!

amother

Rainbow

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 10:03 am

OP I would be extremely upset and hurt also. Especially when you were really watching what you ordered. Many times when we go out with family we say in the email, everyone pays for themselves. I assume this was a relative who is not in the same financial place that you are or could care less about other peoples money. Sorry for you.

watergirl

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 10:07 am

amother cornflower wrote:

In the future tell the restaurant you want a separate check.

This. It also eliminates a potential of gineva, which this could be. You told them you did not want to pay for their food, and they strong-armed you into it.

amother

Chestnut

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 10:11 am

I stopped going out to eat with ppl for this reason instead I meet people at the local park. Much easier and no need to explain anything.

imasinger

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 10:13 am

Ugh!

You can also work on being stronger in your response.

"No, this is how we need to do it I'm happy to make it easy for you. Our amount came to X, yours is Y. Do you need me to take out a pencil and paper or phone to do the math, or do you trust me?"

But I'd politely decline any further"invitations " from this relative to eat out.

camp123

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 11:42 am

That's really not nice. It should have been obvious you ordered less then them. What's your relationship like with these people? Are they really that clueless. If you feel you can be honest with them send them a message saying exactly what you said here. Tell them you don't want to hold resentment but they need to understand where you are coming from.

amother

Plum

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 11:47 am

Were these your siblings? My siblings know if I can’t afford something financially or if we are tight and would let me know privately to pay whatever I feel comfortable with and they cover the rest.

asmileaday

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 11:58 am

Interesting that this wasn't communicated beforehand. We go out to eat some times with friends or relatives and before we order we usually decide if we're splitting the bill or each pays their own.
We always end up splitting and everyone tastes from everything. It's so much more comfortable that way.
If money was that tight I'd probably decline eating out with another family and just go myself with dh so we can stay in budget.
I'm sorry for what happened to you that's sounds really uncomfortable and unfair.

Bnei Berak 10

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 12:00 pm

amother cornflower wrote:

In the future tell the restaurant you want a separate check.

This!

amother

Razzmatazz

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 12:53 pm

I’m so frustrated for you. I can really imagine being in the same boat, we seldom eat out because of the cost.

My advice is either:
1. Accept it, and it should be a kaparah.
2. Address them about it, not in a ‘you wronged us,’ type of way, but as a ‘this is actually financially hard for us,’ way (pretty much like you said it upthread here.) Tell them it’s so they know for next time- if they have any social skill at all they’ll reimburse you after hearing that.

Mollie

Sun, Jan 29 2023, 2:47 pm

I’ll be the dissenting voice. Once you are invited out, it’s perfectly within social norms to split the check. I think it’s tacky to take out a calculator and divide to see who had what. If you can’t afford it, you should have made an excuse and declined the invitation.